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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29071644">Black and White and Burning Red</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/naybug/pseuds/naybug'>naybug</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blindfolds, Clothed Sex, Consent, Daddy Kink, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Dominant Kylo Ren, Double Penetration, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Force Choking (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of Lightsabers (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, LGBTQ Character of Color, Light Bondage, Lightsaber Used as a Sex Toy (Star Wars), Loss of Virginity, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Original Character(s), Praise Kink, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Smut, Spanking, degradation kink, innocence kink, slow burn?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:35:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>66,046</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29071644</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/naybug/pseuds/naybug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He pulled your hair gently and you moaned unabashedly into him, wanting this to never end. He made you feel alive, electrified. Kylo Ren was your forbidden fruit, the temptation overwhelming. You wanted so badly to lose yourself in him, give yourself mind, body, and soul wholly and completely to him.<br/>But it would be like willingly jumping off a cliff. Exhilarating and breathtaking until your body inevitably crashed and broke against the rocks. You loved every second of it, but you wouldn’t lose yourself for the rush of it all. You couldn’t.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren &amp; Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>188</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Necessary Component</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! This is my first fic and so I am both so excited and nervous to finally take the leap and begin posting.<br/>A few things to note, I love music so I have created a playlist on Spotify for this fic, each chapter will have a song that goes with it that will be posted at the beginning of each chapter. The playlist also includes additional songs that I feel encapsulate the story in general. Because of this I am leaning towards waiting to post the whole playlist until the fic is complete, however it will be a living playlist and added to each time there is an update. Which leads me to my next point...<br/>This is pre-written! So updates will hopefully be consistent. That said, please if there are issues that you find let me know.<br/>My planned update schedule is two chapters posted on both Mondays and Fridays for a total of four chapters a week.<br/>Finally, this will eventually have a copious amount of smut, over 20% of the chapters will include smut and will be denoted by an asterisk* in the chapter title in case you want to skip around ;p<br/>That's it! I hope you enjoy this toxic romance as much as I do!</p><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Song for this chapter: https://open.spotify.com/track/06W9lAkSw72ppybh379fmo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>Happy endings were not meant for a man like Kylo Ren. In fact he usually provided endings for others—and gruesome would be a better adjective for those particular kinds of which he had an affinity for.</p><p>Right now it seemed he was due to deal one to whatever idiot forgot to replace his shampoo in his absence.</p><p>Shampoo, or lack thereof, was not a typical motive for murder—but then again Kylo Ren was anything but a typical man. He was not unfamiliar with killing people for far less. He had arrived at his quarters after a month-long mission thoroughly exhausted, ready to finally relax, an activity that was quite foreign to him. The first order of business before that could occur was getting the layer of filth off of him that still currently coated his body like a second skin.</p><p>The dark-haired man had expected a hot shower, his one and only tangible reward after working so hard for so long. The issue being, of course, upon entering his bathroom, he had turned on the water only to have to promptly turn it back off. Although the man did already have naturally luscious, raven hair, shampoo was a necessary component to the showering process.</p><p>Kylo Ren cursed at the negligent oversight. He took a breath, trying hopelessly to calm down and keep his fury at bay. Kylo Ren thumbed his lightsaber, anger begging to be released. The urge to destroy was like a siren’s call—it beckoned him. These people were idiotic and useless, but, more importantly, they were disposable. His possessions, though few and far between, were less so. Kylo Ren knew what was said about him, felt the judgmental glances, heard the muffled snickers at his inability to control his emotions.</p><p>The man ripped his hand from his weapon as if burned. He sighed, the idea of going back out was not appealing to him, but waiting until tomorrow to wash was even less so. Gathering his resolve, the short-tempered man quickly put his mask back on and stormed off, ready to yell at somebody—anybody—for their carelessness. A few moments later he was forced to slow, realizing he had not the slightest idea of who was in charge of such trivial things as shampoo.</p><p>“You there!” The Commander of the First Order pointed at an on-guard stormtrooper, “who is in charge of restocking items such as shampoo?”</p><p>“That would be the administrator, sir.”</p><p>Not wanting to admit he did not know who that was, let alone even know that it was a position on the Starkiller Base, he asked, “where can I find him?”</p><p>“She’s probably in the female quarters at this hour, Commander. Her door should be marked.”</p><p>The female quarters—the large man was quite familiar with that area. Not bothering to respond he headed out to find this girl who was becoming quite the thorn in his side. Finding the door marked <em>Administrator</em>, and underneath <em>Administrative Assistant</em>, Kylo Ren knocked aggressively, more than ready to unleash his pent up rage on whomever this unfortunate girl happened to be.</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Sienna thank goodness you're back! I can’t get this stupid thing out of—oh!”</p><p>You were stuck in a peculiar position, not at all prepared to meet your Commander. When you were trying to take down your ponytail your hair tie had instead gotten tangled in your hair, leaving you hunched to the side trying to work it out without having to simply rip your hair out.</p><p>On top of that issue, you were in your comfy clothes, wearing nothing but sweatpants and a tank top sans bra. Flushing you realized that Kylo Ren was probably getting an ample view down your shirt from this angle. At that thought he gave a small cough, almost as if he was reacting to your train of thought.</p><p>Embarrassed you righted yourself, crossing your arms over your chest protectively. Taking a steadying breath you said the smartest thing that you could come up with, “you’re not Sienna.” <em>Ugh stupid, stupid, stupid!</em></p><p>“Obviously. Are you the Administrator?”</p><p>Taking note of his clenched fists, you smiled, hoping to put him at ease, this was a question involving your job, that you could do well. “Yes Commander, that’s me. What can I help you with?”</p><p>Voice raising he half-shouted, “are you the one responsible for this negligence?”</p><p>You cowered, you had never been particularly afraid of his modulated voice before, hearing it often enough while you worked, but it had never been directed at you. You could see better now why he was so feared, and revered as well.</p><p>You tried to remain calm, steeling yourself into a mask of pleasantry, “what is it you need, sir?”</p><p>“Shampoo,” he spat.</p><p>You grinned at him, it was slightly amusing that your Commander was so worked up over something so insignificant, perhaps under that imposing mask there was just a man after all. “That I can help you with. Please come with me!” You directed and began to walk into the hallway. Kylo Ren’s gloved hand was suddenly on your bare shoulder, his touch sending shivers down your spine. Odd.</p><p>“I give the orders here. Show me.”</p><p>Trying not to tremble, you led the way.</p><p>
  
</p><p>In tense silence you led him to the storage room. As you walked you became more cognizant of the current general disarrayed state of your appearance, made even worse by your hair awkwardly hanging off the side of your head. <em>Oh well, too late now. Time to fake some confidence.</em></p><p>Once you made it inside the storage room you felt more comfortable and at ease, this was your terrain. He may be your boss, but here Kylo Ren had no knowledge over you, you were on level footing. Confidently you located the shelf of shampoos and grabbed his, handing it to him with a satisfied grin.</p><p>“How did you know which shampoo I use?”</p><p>“It’s my favorite scent sir, smells like cinnamon,” you responded before your face heated, realization setting in. Perhaps you had an itty-bitty crush on your Commander. Something was intriguing about the brooding enigma of a man. Or at least you thought he was a man, a human man that is. Or at least you <em>hoped</em>. Still, juvenile crush aside, he was still your superior even after work hours, you couldn’t talk to him so casually.</p><p>Thankfully he ignored your mortifying statement, “how are you the administrator of this base?”</p><p>You crossed your arms, “what exactly do you mean by that?”</p><p>“I offended you.”</p><p>“Yes you did. Why can't you imagine me being the administrator of such a base as Starkiller?” You didn’t see the point of lying to him, of disguising your annoyance, you were used to being doubted—even so, any criticism still irritatingly got under your skin.</p><p>“You’re young, and…”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>He waited a beat before continuing, “and...pretty. Why don’t I have any idea who you are? Are you new? Is that why this whole oversight occurred to begin with?”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes, “my name is Y/N, and I’m the young and pretty thing that keeps this base running—and frankly sir the very fact that you don’t know who I am means I am doing a <em>good</em> job!”</p><p>“Do not talk back to your Commander, <em>I</em> keep this base running girl. It would be in your best interest not to forget that.”</p><p>“I just don’t appreciate being talked down to, <em>sir</em>.”</p><p>He visibly tensed and you stuck your chin out at him, ignoring the alarm bells going off in your head.</p><p>“Are you trying to get punished, little girl?”</p><p>That shut you up quick. Instead of fear butterflies fluttered in your stomach. You did not have time at the moment to unpack <em>that</em> particular reaction to a clear threat.</p><p>You licked your lips, preparing to fire back.</p><p>“I advise you keep your bratty mouth shut lest you end up getting more than you bargained for.”</p><p>You dropped your eyes to the floor, too infuriated to even look at him. <em>This was not how I imagined my first real conversation with Kylo Ren would go.</em></p><p>“And how did you imagine it, Y/N?”</p><p>You gasped, you had heard rumors of course about his ability to read thoughts, but you didn’t quite believe it to be anything but entertaining gossip until now.</p><p>“Tell me.”</p><p>You bit your lip, face flushing. “Well I guess I thought you’d maybe be...nicer? And you’d say that you appreciated my work and that—well that I was doing a good job.”</p><p>You both went silent and you nervously began yanking at your hair tie.</p><p>“I can help you with that,” Kylo broke the silence.</p><p>You looked at him, surprised, but who were you to deny the Kylo Ren? “Um ok? Just be gentle please it’s really difficult to get out, I’m sensitive.”</p><p>You tensed as he began carefully working at your hair. It felt strangely intimate and you were confused by his sudden change in demeanor as well as the unexpected tenderness towards you.</p><p>The silence felt overwhelming so you murmured, “you should be honored you know.”</p><p>“And why is that?”</p><p>“I don’t often let people touch my hair, especially strange men.”</p><p>You swore you could hear the smile in his voice, “well I often touch the hair of strange women, so you are in experienced hands.”</p><p>You giggled as he finally got your hair tie out. Strangely you felt forlorn when his hands left you, it felt like a grave loss to be deprived of his soft touch.</p><p>You looked at him shyly and reflexively resumed chewing at your lip, not sure what was going on, but the air definitely felt different than when you had entered.</p><p>“Well, Y/N, I got what I needed. Did you?”</p><p>Your mind froze at the vague yet oddly titillating nature of his question.</p><p>He promptly turned to leave, stopping to look back at you, “good job.”</p><p>You glowed at his compliment, but you were left confused, emotions swirling.</p><p>Before you returned to your room an object out of place caught your attention and you grinned mischievously. He had left his shampoo, he must have put it down while untangling your hair. You hadn’t expected to see him again so soon, but you couldn’t deny that it made you excited.</p><p>Perhaps the crush was an itty-bit bigger than “itty-bitty.” Perhaps.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Could Get You in Trouble</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>The song for this chapter is https://open.spotify.com/track/6s8nHXTJVqFjXE4yVZPDHR<br/>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That was certainly not what Kylo Ren had expected when he went out. The girl was...interesting. No doubt about that.</p><p>He shook his head, there was no use keeping with that train of thought—there was no time for such distractions in his life. Even the kind that were very pretty, and intriguingly mouthy. At least he could finally relax. Again he went to his bathroom to shower, and again he was promptly disappointed.</p><p>Although he could go back out again, he resorted to postponing his shower instead, lest he bother the girl again and this time find her in an even worse stay of disarray...her soft locks now free and curtaining her sweet face, her plush mouth that snapped back at him with no regard for her own safety, her tantalizing blush at the mention of punishment. Kylo Ren frowned, trying to rid himself from thoughts of her. However the strange and unwanted hope that she’d notice and come visit him lingered despite his logical objections. </p><p>With a frustrated grunt Kylo Ren resigned himself to his work. He made himself comfortable and focused on being productive, working on plans to crush the Resistance, a growing threat to the power of the First Order, his power.</p><p>He startled at a knock on his door. Unbeknownst to him he had fallen asleep while working and he quickly stumbled to the door, promptly putting his mask back on. He assumed it was General Hux here to pester him as per usual.</p><p>It only crossed his mind that it could be you as he was opening the door. And he realized it might have been apt to get more...<em> presentable. </em></p><p>Even before the door had fully opened you had begun talking, words coming out in a rush, “Commander I’m sorry to bother you but you forgot—<em>oh</em>," you squeaked. Kylo Ren was before you, and it seemed he had neglected to put on a shirt. You took in his broad chest, speckled almost endearingly with beauty marks. And scars, oh so many scars. Your hands ached with unexpected want to explore every inch of his uncharted skin. His robes definitely didn’t do his body justice. He...he was like a sculpture. You lost all grasp of coherent thought, gawking at him.</p><p>“Y/N, what do you need?” </p><p>His voice broke you out of your reverie and your face warmed. “Oh, um sorry sir, you just forgot your shampoo so I thought I would bring it to you.”</p><p>“I had hoped you wouldn’t notice.”</p><p>“Oh and why is that? Didn’t want to see me again?”</p><p>“No, quite the opposite in fact.”</p><p>You stared at him, quiet, unsure how to respond to that.</p><p>“I should put on a shirt.”’</p><p>“No!” you protested. Quickly you looked at the floor, mortified at your outburst.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“Um, you don’t have to do that. Put on a shirt I mean. I don’t mind.” </p><p><em>I</em><em> more than don’t mind, in fact I prefer it. Damn he’s hot. And so insanely large, even his fingers are thick and long. I wish I could see his face, if this is what half of him looks like I wonder what other parts...certain parts look like</em>.</p><p>“It would be best not to let your mind wander so much. Could get you in trouble, little one.”</p><p>Your eyes widened, hands flying to your mouth to smother a gasp, realizing what he’d heard in your mind. The sudden inhalation caused you to start choking, and you struggled to catch your breath.</p><p>“You need water.”</p><p>He led you to the kitchen as your coughs continued. Grateful, you gulped down the glass he handed you, finally regaining your breath. You couldn't bring yourself to look back up at him and so you kept your focus on the floor. “Thank you Commander,” you mumbled out.</p><p>“Consider it an exchange for the shampoo.”</p><p>You bit your lip, the air had changed yet again and you still were unsure as to why. It had the same odd crackling energy from the storage room, it was disconcerting yet somehow also intoxicating.</p><p>Gently he lifted your chin so that you were forced to look at his masked face. His touch sent pleasant tingles through your body. Apprehensive, you stood unbelievably still as he brushed his large thumb over your mouth. “I wonder what this mouth could do,” he stated nonchalantly before quickly removing his hand. “Oh well, another night Y/N. I must attend to my shower.”</p><p>With that he went to his bathroom, closing the door behind him. Leaving you to ponder what the fuck just happened.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Tall, Dark, and Handsome</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Here's a little throwback song for this chapter: https://open.spotify.com/track/07HPV6hzecJmMJwsIX8YVU<br/>I didn't appreciate this song enough as a child! It goes so hard and for what?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After you composed yourself enough to finally leave his room you crumpled against the nearest wall desperately trying to process what had just occurred. It had taken you 20 minutes just to hype yourself up to come visit him. And you definitely were not expecting to have a full conversation with him—let alone for him to be shirtless—and then for him to <em> touch </em> you like that.</p><p>
  <em> What did that even mean? And why do I want to know so badly?  </em>
</p><p>All of it screamed trouble...but your curiosity certainly was piqued. </p><p>Breathing regulated, you made your way back to your room and immediately were jumped on.</p><p>“Babe!” Your roommate and best friend Sienna squealed, “thank goodness you are <em> finally </em> back. You have been gone for like <em> forever </em> and I have so much to tell you.”</p><p>You laughed, gently prying her off of you. You took in the body glitter that now coated your arms, eyebrows raising. Sienna was everything you were not, wild and fun, daring and bold. You took in her appearance with a smile and shake of your head, somehow after all these years she still managed to shock you. She had on a white strip of fabric across her chest as a shirt, if it could be called a shirt—coupled with tight leather shorts that barely covered her ass. That combined with the body glitter and her head of tight curls made for quite a sight.</p><p>“Sienna you look absolutely stunning, I could <em> never </em>pull that off. Where were you at?”</p><p>She smiled, “I was just hanging out with some people, you know me. And you totally could pull this off...that is if you’d ever wear it.” </p><p>You stuck out your tongue before giggling, “so basically you were at a party.”</p><p>“Obviously, but where were <em> you</em>? You aren’t usually out at this hour...or most hours after work.”</p><p>Your face flushed against your will, causing Sienna's jaw to drop. “No <em> way</em>. You were totally with a boy! Oh my gosh, finally the day has arrived!”</p><p>“How do you know I was even with someone? And even if I was, I don’t know why you would assume it was some man.”</p><p>“Girl, it is literally written all over your face.”</p><p>“That’s not true!”</p><p>“Well are you going to tell me that I’m wrong?” She crossed her arms, waiting for you to deny what was glaringly apparent.</p><p>You shrugged, admitting defeat—she could read you like an open book. “Yes I was with a guy. What of it?”</p><p>You winced at her loud squeal. “I knew it! Girl you have to give me all the details! How did this happen? What’s his name? What does he look like?”</p><p>“What’s the passcode to his datapad?”</p><p>She smirked, “could help. Now <em> spill</em>!”</p><p>It was exciting to have something to talk about that was actually interesting for once, but a little nagging voice in the back of your head informed you that it would probably be best to keep the man you were referring to anonymous. But how to describe him without giving his identity away? He was just a tad unique. Best to tell the truth but keep personal details vague.</p><p>“I met him tonight, he needed shampoo and so I helped him with that...and then he helped me get a hair tie out of my hair and he was just so—I don’t know—<em>tender </em> about it? And then he forgot it so I brought it to him and—well did I mention he was shirtless?”</p><p>She shook her head, hanging on your every word.</p><p>“Well he was, and Sienna I can’t even begin to put into words how just absolutely <em> yummy </em> he looked. Like he is that perfect amount of muscular where he looks like he could throw you against the wall and break you in half but also like he could just wrap me up in his broad arms and keep me safe from everything which is just so freaking <em> hot</em>. He is like the definition of tall, dark, and handsome.” You laughed internally at your own little joke. “He is powerful and he <em> knows </em> it,” you took a breath, “so yeah. That’s what happened.”</p><p>Sienna burst out laughing. “Wow girl I never would have pinned you to be one who—what’d you say? Wants to be ‘thrown against a wall and broken?’ Very kinky.”</p><p>“Sienna!”</p><p>“What? It’s true. It’s just like I tell you over and over again, it’s only normal to want a little wild in your life, it would be so boring otherwise.”</p><p>You had to admit wild was beginning to sound a bit appealing.</p><p>“Hey Y/N, I have an absolutely brilliant idea. Why don’t you say this weekend we take our hot selves out? The First Order has some celebration or whatever that they are throwing for everyone. You can even invite your friend,” she winked.</p><p>You sincerely doubted that you could <em> invite </em> Kylo Ren out, but perhaps...perhaps you would get lucky and he would attend. You were vehemently against parties on principle, but somehow things you would usually be against held a lot more allure at the moment.</p><p>“Ok, I’ll go.”</p><p>Sienna squealed again, “you have no idea how long I have been waiting for this!”</p><p>You gave a tight smile, doubts already creeping in. But the curiosity of learning more about your Commander enticed you more than your fears.</p><p>
  
</p><p>You woke up with a grimace, the previous day flooding back to you. Ugh. <em> Did I really agree to go to a party? Did Kylo Ren really...flirt with me? </em></p><p>You were confused by what had happened with Kylo, but you had more important things to focus on. Specifically, work. Always work.</p><p>Rubbing your eyes you tried to refocus.</p><p>Out in the kitchen you found Sienna’s dedicated partner in crime and your other best friend Carlos sitting on the barstool. </p><p>“Good morning sunshine, there’s scrambled eggs on the stove if you want to reheat them.”</p><p>You grinned, “you’re too good to me Carlos.” Heading to the stove you glanced at him, “so...how have you been? I bet the med bay was crazy after that mission.”</p><p>“Ugh don’t remind me, I am still drowning. I think things should start calming down after today though—thankfully.”</p><p>“See any cute wounded stormtroopers without their masks on?”</p><p>“Oh girl you wouldn’t <em> believe </em>it! Honestly I think there must be a rule that if you want to wear a mask on the job you have to be certified hot. Like—I want to read the fine print because it is absolutely all of them I swear.”</p><p>You chuckled, “who knows maybe this weekend you will find a special someone. I think masks will be off at this thing.”</p><p>“You already know that’s the plan!”</p><p>Giggling, you decided to bring up your news. “Well…speaking of—”</p><p>He cut you off abruptly, “oh no.”</p><p>“What?” </p><p>“It’s a boy,” he said with a cringe.</p><p>“How do you know?”</p><p>“I can tell! You have that ridiculous look on your face you get when you start imagining yourself walking down the aisle and well Sienna <em> might </em> have mentioned it. But I want all the details from you personally. Tell me everything, it looks bad, is it bad?”</p><p>“Oh Carlos you wound me! Bad? Why would it be bad? I have definitely never made poor choices when it comes to a boy. Me? Couldn’t be me.”</p><p>He rolled his eyes at your melodramatics, “oh honey, you know I love you. But I just don’t want you to go off planning a wedding after one touch or something.”</p><p>You flinched, he knew you too well. “I will try not to...the celebration this weekend, I am hoping he will be there,” you said with a smile before sliding into the spot next to Carlos.</p><p>“So what's the mystery man’s name?”</p><p>You bit your lip, “I can’t really say.”</p><p>“You can’t tell me his name?”</p><p>“I just...I can’t, ok? I know it’s weird.”</p><p>“You know I just worry that, after last time…”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Listen hun, I know you don’t mean to, but you tend to attract bad men.”</p><p>Groaning you placed your head in your hands, “I know <em> dad</em>. The real issue is that I am attracted to bad men.”</p><p>“Hey what can you do? You like the fixer-uppers.”</p><p>“My stupid savior complex always getting me into trouble.”</p><p>“Is he cute at least?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t say ‘cute.’”</p><p>“Well then why—”</p><p>You fixed him with a look, “he’s stupid hot Carlos.” <em>Or at least half of him is.</em></p><p>He raised an eyebrow, “that hot?”</p><p>“Like my brain goes literally blank just thinking about him.”</p><p>“And I don’t even get to know who he is?”</p><p>“Please, just trust me that it needs to be this way.”</p><p>Carlos gave you a questioning look but luckily didn’t continue to press, “ok love, just be careful. Don’t let him take advantage of you.”</p><p>“Thank you Carlos, I won’t.” You appreciated that Sienna and Carlos cared for you so deeply, but it did make it hard to stick with the plan of anonymity.</p><p>“Oh by the way I am dressing you for the party.”</p><p>“I can dress myself, thank you very much!”</p><p>“Oh sweetie I know you <em> can</em>, the question is if you <em> should</em>.”</p><p>“Hey, I am not that much of a disaster.”</p><p>He raised an eyebrow, “sure hun, whatever you need to tell yourself.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Oh shut up and eat your eggs!”</p><p>You laughed and decided it was best to listen to him. So you shut up and ate your eggs.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just an FYI, there are a few descriptions throughout this fic of an emotionally abusive relationship that in this story, you, the reader, were previously in. The descriptions are brief and extremely vague, but as with anything take care of yourself. And please please please if anything described sounds familiar to a relationship in your own life get out as fast as you can. Manipulation and gaslighting are real and traumatic forms of abuse and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Better?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Song for this chapter: https://open.spotify.com/track/6kcEeXcDca8oe9dlvYeGmI<br/>I hope you are enjoying so far!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next few days left you more and more disappointed as Kylo Ren continued to ignore you. For all the interest he paid you, you might as well have been invisible. Your paths didn’t cross often, but he neither sought you out or acknowledged your presence when he walked by. It was hard not to believe that you had imagined your previous encounters with him.</p><p>You decided today was the day, you were going to get him to notice you—because you <em> hadn’t </em> imagined it and frankly it was unfair that he acted so bizarre towards you and now was pretending it never happened. </p><p>You got up early to shower and get more done-up than you usually would, opting to leave your hair down instead of in its usual bun. Switching out your typical outfit of a  blouse and pants in favor of a practical dress, you completed the look with mascara and lip gloss. You smiled at your reflection, satisfied, you headed out to take on the day.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Hours later you were fully immersed in work, messages had been responded to and questions answered. All housekeepers’ carts had been stocked. Now it was time to take inventory.</p><p>Sienna had left to take inventory of the med bay a while ago and you figured she was most likely caught up chatting with Carlos. Knowing them, they probably were gossiping about you. After <em> him </em> they were protective of you almost to the point of unbearability. It had been quite a while since you had shown interest in anyone, and the fact that you weren't able to tell them even a name was understandably causing them some unease. You wanted to assure them that they need not worry, but if you could not even tell yourself that how could you possibly guarantee them anything?</p><p>Hence, now you were left doing the rest of inventory alone. That didn’t bother you though, Sienna was great at her job. Although you were technically her boss it was not a point of contention between the two of you. You had a mutual understanding that for Sienna her career was more a means to an end, where as for you it was...not. You cared deeply about your work and found pleasure and joy in it, constantly striving to be the best you could.</p><p>You decided to head to the control rooms, perhaps hoping a certain someone would be there. When you reached the command center you hesitated, overhearing two voices in a heated conversation. </p><p>
  <em> Kylo and General Hux! </em>
</p><p>You contemplated whether or not you should enter, but you did genuinely need to finish your job. Using all the skills you had gained at appearing inconspicuous, you entered, making sure to keep your head down and get straight to the task at hand.</p><p>About midway through taking inventory General Hux grabbed your wrist and spun you around to face him.</p><p>“What are you doing here?! Are you some Resistance scum? I knew there was a traitor on board!”</p><p>You trembled—wincing as he forcefully squeezed your wrist. “No sir! I am simply taking inventory, I am loyal to the First Order!”</p><p>He began turning red in his fury, his beady eyes bulging. Roughly he took hold of your other wrist when you tried to push him away, “oh really? Seems awfully convenient to me that you were able to sneak in here during a private conversation!” His hands tightened their grip causing you to release a small yelp of pain.  “Yes seems very convenient indeed.”</p><p>You looked to Kylo, eyes begging him to help you. Surely he couldn't continue to deny your very existence in a moment such as this?</p><p>His mask gave away nothing much to your chagrin, you wanted desperately to know what he was thinking. It was not right that he could scour through your mind and yet you could not even look into his eyes.</p><p>Finally, he responded, “let her go Hux.” </p><p>“Why would I do that? She should be questioned!”</p><p>“I said, <em> let her go</em>. That’s an order,” his words were venomous and wisely General Hux obeyed. “I know her, she works as the administrator. She is harmless. She is not worth our time.”</p><p>Your hands immediately went to your hurt wrists in a futile attempt to soothe them, heart painfully pounding at his words. You were nothing to him, of course you were not worth his time. Your friends were right, it was laughable to think anything else of your brief interactions with Commander Kylo Ren.</p><p>General Hux was still frighteningly enraged, “we are moving this conversation to somewhere more private. I don’t care who she is, I don’t trust her.”</p><p>He walked out and you expected Kylo to follow but he hung back and approached your shaking form cautiously.</p><p>You looked up at him, holding your breath. Gently he grabbed your wrists, rubbing over the painful faint marks General Hux’s hands had left behind. It felt again as if he had flipped a switch, going from painfully harsh to achingly sweet. Your heart began to race at his touch, and you tried desperately to remember to breathe.</p><p>“Better?” He inquired softly.</p><p>“Better,” you whispered back.  </p><p>“If you are wise, little one, you will stop this madness.”</p><p>“Whatever do you mean sir?”</p><p>“Do not play coy with me, I am no fool. This outfit,” he caught a lock of your hair between his gloved fingers, “your hair. I see what you are doing.”</p><p>Your mouth went dry as you stared into the darkness of his mask. “And what if I am not, Commander?”</p><p>He continued to thumb at your hair as if he was transfixed, “are not what?”</p><p>You swallowed thickly, “wise.”</p><p>He moved so he was by your ear, his body tantalizingly close to yours as if he meant to share a secret. “Then you shall learn what happens to little girls who play with fire.”</p><p>He quickly backed away so he could follow General Hux. He paused at the door, speaking so hushed you questioned if you heard him right,  “good work here Y/N.”</p><p>Oh how you wished to burn.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Self-pity Party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I decided to make a living playlist and will add to it each chapter instead!<br/>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Song for this chapter: https://open.spotify.com/track/5q5gzmbBS5yQzos2BvVr1t</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It looked like a natural disaster had torn through your bathroom.</p><p>The destruction caused by the chaos that was two girls getting ready for a night out was evident over every inch of the bathroom. Makeup spread across the counter, bottles spilled, used makeup wipes strewn about.</p><p>Generic dance music blared as Sienna finished up her own makeup. You sat on the floor, as she had already finished her work on yours. Distraught, you cradled your head in your hands, careful not to smear your makeup but desperately trying not to let yourself be dragged further into the whirlwind of self-deprecation and negativity going on in your mind.</p><p><em> What if he is not there? What if he </em> <b> <em>is</em> </b> <em> there? That’s basically worse! I don’t know how to handle myself at parties! I shouldn’t be going at all. I will just embarrass myself. </em></p><p>You groaned and looked to Sienna, who was working on her eyeshadow. The only colors you were allowed to wear in the First Order were black, white, and red. This rule always struck you as weird, but you had to admit that it did ensure that everyone always looked cohesive. Sienna, however, loved loopholes and rule “bending” and always managed to get away with adding color into her makeup. Tonight she wore all white with warm yellow eyeshadow.</p><p>She whined as she continued working on her look, “ugh I wish I could actually wear yellow. It’d look so good with my complexion, you see how amazing my eyes look? Imagine if I could wear a whole yellow outfit!”</p><p>“I think it’s the universe's way of humbling you slightly,” you laughed, “you’d be too powerful otherwise.” Then you sighed, <em> she is just so stunning in every way. </em></p><p>“Sienna, I can’t go. I am just going to make a mess of everything. Besides, what’s the point? One look at you and he will forget I even exist! I am just going to make a fool of myself.” The words came out panicky and rushed.</p><p>Sienna didn’t even bother to look at you, “Y/N. Stop it. This self-pity party is so not cute.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“No buts. I get it, you are nervous and feeling self-conscious. That’s fine, fake it till you make it if you have to.” She finished her mascara and turned to you, her voice becoming gentler, “but honey, if he likes you, he likes you. And he won’t look my way if that’s true. And if he does—then he’s a dick and well?” She shrugged, “then at least you know.”</p><p>You bit your lip, “I guess you have a point. But you’re just so—<em>you</em>, and I’m just so blah.”</p><p>“Do not talk about my friend that way! You’re banging and super smart to boot. Besides, you have known this man for what—a week? For all you know he could have a terrible personality and a tiny penis. So there’s that.”</p><p>That made you smile, and she did have a point. </p><p>“Can you at least put on a bra before we go? Your nipples are going to poke an eye out,” you joked, taking in her highly revealing outfit, that somehow managed to be more scandalous than if she just showed up in the nude.</p><p>“That’s the goal!”</p><p>“Endangerment?”</p><p>“If the stormtroopers can bring their weapons I can bring mine.”</p><p>She turned back towards the mirror, laughing, “now let me finish up in here, Carlos is waiting for you.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>Carlos had laid a couple different outfits ideas out on your bed and made you model each one.</p><p>“Do a twirl for me babe.”</p><p>You obliged him, giggling as your skirt flared out.</p><p>“Yep, that’s it. A hundred percent. It is the perfect amount of ‘I am sweet’ but also screams ‘I am incredibly naughty.’”</p><p>“Carlos!” You squealed, but were inclined to agree.</p><p>“Now we just have to see if the little kitten actually has some claws.”</p><p>You clawed at him playfully.</p><p>The top you were wearing was one you had purchased on a whim but had never worn—it was much more revealing than you’d typically wear so you never had an occasion for it. It was one of those purchases you made late at night, when you impulsively buy clothes for the woman you want to be instead of the woman you knew you were. But perhaps tonight you could be her. The top was a maroon, long-sleeved, wrap-around shirt. It came together with a knot in the front, plunging low on your chest. Paired with a high-rise, leather skater skirt you even showed a thin line of midriff, which never happened. </p><p>You chewed your lip, “Carlos I don’t know…”</p><p>“Oh shut it, you look hot!”</p><p>“Do I really? I feel like an imposter!” You frowned, trying not to tear up and ruin your makeup. You knew rationally that this was stupid, you didn’t need to feel so down on yourself, but you couldn’t help it—all of your insecurities were rearing their ugly heads and you needed reassurance.</p><p>Luckily, your friends knew this about you.</p><p>Carlos put his hand on your shoulder. “I know this isn’t your comfort zone, but this is good for you. You are allowed to feel pretty and to dance and to feel stupid for having a crush on some anonymous man. Let yourself have some fun for once—you deserve it.”</p><p>“Is she throwing herself a self-pity party again?” Sienna called out from the bathroom.</p><p>“Working on it!” Carlos called back.</p><p>You walked to the mirror, and were shocked at the person who stared back at you. You barely recognized yourself, Carlos and Sienna really were magical. The person in the mirror looked confident and sexy. You just wished your inside matched the outside. But they were right—fake it until you make it. And even if Kylo Ren wasn’t there or didn’t pay attention to you, well then that was <em> his </em> loss.</p><p>Sienna emerged from the bathroom, “alright folks are we ready to go?”</p><p>You smiled, “as ready as I’ll ever be!”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you enjoy Sienna and Carlos as much as I do. I know OCs can be controversial but I figured even in space you deserve good friends!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Plaything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/3zSCNTXI7Ed0PiidZVmzIe</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The three of you laughed and chatted as you walked to the celebration.</p><p>“So Carlos, expecting a big boom in the delivery unit nine months from now?” You joked.</p><p>The First Order rarely let loose, so when it did people tended to go a bit wild. It was a well-known joke (and fact) that these celebrations led to a spike in babies nine months later.</p><p>Carlos chuckled, “absolutely! What do you think, Sienna? Any conception going on tonight?”</p><p>“No way am I ready to be a mom! Besides my plans for tonight would make it a bit hard to know who the father was.”</p><p>That caused you and Carlos to crack-up.</p><p>“Sienna you’re crazy.”</p><p>She put an arm around you, “and that’s why you love me!”</p><p>Your smile quickly faded when you realized that you had arrived.</p><p>The booming bass rattled you, the vibrations digging almost painfully deep into your chest. You gulped, taking in the flashing lights, <em> this is big girl stuff</em>.</p><p>“No turning back now!” Carlos cheered.</p><p>Sienna grabbed both of you by the hand, “come on bitches let’s get drunk!”</p><p>With that you let her drag you to the bar.</p><p>“Hey bartender!” Sienna called out to one of the droids tending the bar. Immediately she got their attention and a droid came over promptly. <em> Even droids aren't immune to her charm. </em></p><p>“Yes miss, what will you have?”</p><p>“I’ll have whatever the special tonight is, make that three. And a shot!”</p><p>“Three Death Stars and a shot it is. Would you like that to be a single or double?”</p><p>“Uh, double—duh!”</p><p>You let her order for you, knowing arguing was pointless.</p><p>“Who’s the shot for?” You inquired.</p><p>“You of course!”</p><p>“Just for me? I’m not doing it alone!”</p><p>“Carlooooos!” Sienna whined.</p><p>“Yes dear?”</p><p>“You need to do a shot with Y/N, you know how much of a lightweight I am!”</p><p>“Haha, ok. But make it two shots for me!”</p><p>You giggled but were also a bit panicky. Your friends were evidently planning on getting very drunk tonight, and really wanted you to as well.</p><p>The shots arrived and you winced at the sight, “I don’t know about this. It looks kind of weirdly brown—and not the good kind.”</p><p>Carlos stretched out his arms, twisting them back and forth dramatically, “I’ve always preferred the term caramel actually, which I suppose is just a glorified term for brown but—”</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “I’m talking about the drink you idiot.”</p><p>“Ah yes the drink well,” he held up his glass, studying the contents with a pinched face, “no one is quite the shade of whatever greenish-brown this shit is.”</p><p>The three of you shared a nauseated look.</p><p>“Well, it is in fact alcohol...though it’s hard to be certain of the fact,” Sienna shrugged, “bottoms up bitches!”</p><p>All three of you clinked glasses, cheering your respective drinks. You took it back, flinching at the astringent taste but enjoying the warmth in your chest after it went down.</p><p>“Surprisingly good,” you commented, “though certainly no <em> caramel</em>.”</p><p>Carlos playfully swatted you, “shut up!”</p><p>You ruffled his dark brown curls good-naturedly.</p><p>“Alright babes now it’s time to fucking party!” Sienna dragged you both onto the dance floor.</p><p>Quickly, they started bumping and grinding against one another, trying fruitlessly to get you to join. You instead swayed to the beat, nervously sipping your drink and taking in the crazy world around you.</p><p>On the off chance you did go to a party you weren’t one to be on the dance floor. But you were trying to branch out more and get out of your comfort zone.</p><p>It was odd, it was mainly women who danced while the men sort of stayed on the perimeter, watching. Like some sort of mating ritual.<em> I guess we really aren’t so evolved. </em></p><p>As you took in the festivities your eyes landed on a man at the food station who couldn’t seem to stop throwing glances at Carlos. “Who’s that dashing man eyeing you while cutting meat?”</p><p>Carlos looked where you were staring, at the well-built man preparing food for the party guests.</p><p>He shrugged, “I’m not sure. He’s pretty cute though.”</p><p>Sienna scoffed, “cute? I wouldn’t mind being the hunk of meat he’s slicing open if you know what I mean.”</p><p>You gave her a side-eye, “we all know what you mean Sienna.”</p><p>“Slicing me open with his own hunk of meat,” Carlos added.</p><p>“Oh good one!” Sienna chirped.</p><p>You rolled your eyes, shaking your head with a fond smile.</p><p>The alcohol began to take effect and you started moving more, inhibitions lowered. Everything began to take on a sort of sheen, like a layer of film over your eyes. Two pairs of brown eyes looked at you, glittering with mirth. You giggled when Carlos gently grabbed your waist and began to grind on you from behind, Sienna taking that as her cue to grind on your front, effectively sandwiching you. <em> This is kind of fun! </em></p><p>Carlos had a point too, without your coworkers wearing masks there was a plethora of attractive men and women.</p><p>You finished your drink and got more invested in dancing. Laughing and genuinely enjoying yourself.</p><p>Suddenly you felt a presence, as if you were being watched.</p><p>You glanced around the room, trying to find the culprit. That’s when you noticed Kylo Ren leaning on a column. Even with his mask on it was undeniable that he was staring directly at you. Watching.</p><p>You gasped in surprise, causing yourself to choke. He seemed to have that effect on you.</p><p>Your friends stopped dancing, concerned.</p><p>You tried to catch your breath to no avail and instead chose to run to an isolated corner to escape your embarrassment.</p><p>“Drink this.”</p><p>You looked up, tears streaming down your face, and found Kylo Ren offering you a glass of water.</p><p>You shook your head rapidly.</p><p>“That was an order Y/N.”</p><p>Tentatively you accepted it from him and sipped slowly. Finally calming down.</p><p>Your choking stopped but your embarrassment remained in full-force.</p><p>“Thank you Commander,” you mumbled with eyes glued to the floor.</p><p>“You need a real drink. Follow me.”</p><p>He didn’t give you a chance to answer before walking towards the bar.</p><p>Shaking your head, you followed him.</p><p>Kylo skipped the line, every droid abruptly ready to serve him.</p><p>“I need a shot for the girl.”</p><p>Your mind began to whirl. <em> Is he paying for my drink? No that’s stupid he probably gets them for free. Is he offering to not pay for a drink for me? What is going on? </em></p><p>He handed you the shot and you looked at him inquisitively, noticing he hadn’t gotten anything for himself.</p><p>
  <em> Oh no. Maybe Sienna was right. Isn’t this what bad people did? Got girls drunk so they could get them into their beds? </em>
</p><p>You were only slightly drunk. And liquid courage did sound appealing. But everything was just so confusing. He was the one who warned you to stay away, and yet here he was.</p><p>“I want to talk!” You shouted over the music and Kylo walked you back to the isolated corner.</p><p>“Speak your thoughts Y/N. They’re giving me a headache.”</p><p>“What’s going on here Kylo? I don’t know what you want from me! Do you want to date me, or to be my friend, or make out, or I don’t know use me as some <em> plaything </em> and forget me?” The words came tumbling out.</p><p>“That sounds about right to me.”</p><p>You cocked your head, “which one?”</p><p>He gently lifted your chin and you stared into his eyeless mask. “You have intrigued me, and clearly lack a sense of self-preservation. If you want to be my ‘plaything,’ as you so colorfully put it, I’ll be in my quarters,” he announced with little flourish before walking away.</p><p>You were left fuming. <em> How dare he say that and simply walk out! He can’t just keep dropping bombs like that and leaving you before he explained himself! </em></p><p>Before you could doubt yourself you took the shot and took off to find your friends.</p><p>You found Carlos making out with some guy against a wall.</p><p>“Um Carlos?”</p><p>He stopped kissing for a pause, “a little busy here!”</p><p>“I know I’m sorry I just wanted to let you know I’m heading out and not to worry. Do you know where Sienna is?”</p><p>Carlos took a look at you and pried himself of his current boy toy. “She left a while ago with some people. You know how she is. Is this about the boy?” He stared into your eyes, searching.</p><p>“Yes it is, but I’m ok I’m just going to get some answers.”</p><p>“Ok,” he said warily, “just be careful love.”</p><p>You gave him a quick hug, “thank you Carlos I will! You have fun.”</p><p>He smiled and returned to making out.</p><p>Taking off in a sprint, letting emotion fuel you, it took only moments for you to find yourself at Kylo Ren’s door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's about to go down! And once it starts it doesn't really stop :P</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. What Do You Consent To?*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/5D2mYZuzcgjpchVY1pmTPh<br/>Just a reminder that the asterisk* signals NSFW material. Also please note the tag of a degradation kink. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea so just be mindful :D<br/>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You stood trembling, now that you were here you weren’t quite sure what to do. Alcohol could only take you so far.</p><p>There was also the problem of not knowing how to announce your presence. Knocking felt wrong but how <em> else </em> were you supposed to be invited in? Before you could reach out your fist the doors slid open, revealing an empty corridor.</p><p>His quarters were oppressively silent so you timidly tiptoed in. The next room you entered was the kitchen.</p><p>“Eager are you?”</p><p>You jumped as if you’d been caught somewhere you shouldn’t be. Cautiously you turned to face him, feeling suddenly very unprepared and ridiculous. </p><p>“I was expecting a much longer wait, perhaps more of an ethical dilemma,” his deep voice sent shivers down your spine.</p><p>Kylo took a step towards you, reflexively you took a step back.</p><p>It went like this until inevitably you bumped into a wall. He loomed over you and you stared into the void where his eyes should be, heart racing.</p><p>You were never quite sure where things would go with Kylo Ren, and you both were insanely terrified and desperate to find out.</p><p>But the truth of the matter was that you hadn’t really done, well, anything. All the experience you had was from a couple years ago, with that boy, and that was barely noteworthy—though at the time it felt like proof of his love. You’d given him a few handjobs which barely lasted a minute, and a singular blowjob which went on for a bit longer but was practically torturous for you. He liked to palm your breasts through your shirt, and the one time he’d fingered you he performed so poorly you had to pretend to cum just so that he’d stop. Other than that singular time nothing else had really happened for you down south, and certainly not with anyone but yourself. <em> I am so out of my league here</em>.</p><p>Kylo’s voice was uncharacteristically gentle as he laid a gloved hand tenderly on your cheek, “you’re scared.”</p><p>It was both a statement and a question so you gave a small nod.</p><p>“What do you consent to?” He stated so bluntly you furrowed your eyebrows.</p><p><em> What kind of question is that? </em> </p><p>“Despite what you may have heard Y/N I am not a complete monster. Not in this at least.”</p><p><em> That’s a relief</em>. You bit your lip...thinking, “we could, um, kiss?” That’s something you could easily do, wanted badly to do.</p><p>“No. Think of something else.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>He leaned in closer, effectively pinning you, “consent works both ways little one, or did you forget?”</p><p>You flushed, ashamed. Though frankly if he wanted to fuck you—which seemed pretty evident—you didn’t understand the big deal about a <em> kiss</em>.</p><p>Pondering for a moment, the answer suddenly hit you over the head. You looked up at him, smirking, “well...you did want to know what my mouth could do.”</p><p>Kylo let out a small cough, and you desperately wished you could see his expression, pretty sure you’d caught him off guard with your sudden bold outburst. </p><p>Instead, he placed a large hand on your head and gently pushed, “on your knees, slut.”</p><p>You obeyed but couldn’t help objecting, “I am <em>not </em> a slut.”</p><p>“Oh really?” He moved to take out his already very hard dick, “practically running after me just so you could beg your Commander to fill that little mouth of yours with his cock? And after I warned you not to.”</p><p>“You asked me to!”</p><p>“And you came. You had a choice.”</p><p>Yet again he caused you to flush with embarrassment, he wasn’t wrong. Fortunately, you didn't stay embarrassed for long, distracted by his member which was now in front of your face. Your eyes widened, you hadn't experienced much but certainly his length and size weren’t...<em>average</em>. </p><p>Involuntarily you licked your lips.</p><p>He chuckled darkly at that, “and you certainly wouldn’t be looking at me like you had been previously starved.”</p><p>That made you giggle but also reminded you that you had basically no idea what to do. <em> It couldn’t be too hard though… </em></p><p>Trying to appear confident, helped with alcohol and adrenaline running through your bloodstream, you grabbed him in your hands, momentarily mystified by how small he made your hand look. You started by simply pumping him before steering yourself to lick his length. You gave a long lick, running your tongue from the base to tip. He rewarded you with a moan that made you tingle all over. Emboldened you opened your mouth and wrapped your lips on his cock. </p><p>At that, he took over, wrapping his hands in your hair, guiding you while you bobbed on his dick.</p><p>He suddenly pulled you deeper and you choked, gagging. You began to freak out, tears streaming down your face, <em> I can’t breathe! </em></p><p>He must have heard you because he abruptly stopped, pulling out. You knelt, staring at the floor. You didn’t like failing at any job. </p><p>“Y/N?” he whispered and you looked up.</p><p>“Yes, sir?”</p><p>“You don’t have to be scared, I won't hurt you more than you like.”</p><p>You fidgeted at the reassurance coupled with the glaring promise of what would come. </p><p>He leaned down and started working on the knot that held your shirt together. You froze, “what—what are you doing?”</p><p>“This will make it better, trust me little one.”</p><p>Your heavy breathing was amplified by the silence as you allowed him to open your shirt. Very gently he worked to move your breasts out of your bra, leaving them bare and on display. You fought every instinct to cover yourself. Instead focusing once again on the floor. Goosebumps immediately covered you as your bare skin adjusted to the cold air, yet you felt as if he had set you on fire.</p><p>You stayed still as Kylo began tracing the skin along your clavicle, his gloved hands drawing shivers from you. Lazily he made his way to your areola before finally flicking your nipple. Reflexively you squeezed your thighs together. He continued to caress your exposed breasts until you let out a small mewl. Immediately he pulled his hands away, leaving you pouting. He ignored your protests, simply ordering, “open.”</p><p>Under his spell you opened your mouth, letting him guide you. At this point you were incredibly aroused and thus much more enthusiastic. Crazy how being horny made having your mouth full seem much more appealing.</p><p>He began moving a bit faster, forcing you deeper. “Yes Y/N, I knew you had an inner slut in you the moment we met.”</p><p>You hummed around him, not questioning why such a dirty word sounded like such high praise.</p><p>At this point he was fucking your face, but you were much more prepared, gagging on him gleefully.</p><p>“What a deplorable thing you are, just a whore wanting to choke on her Commander.”</p><p>Tears streamed down your face from his rough treatment. Yet again, you had totally lost control and you were loving it.</p><p>Kylo was moaning and it was because of you. </p><p>“Now you’re going to be a good little girl and swallow for me, every last drop. And you’re going to love it.”</p><p>He grabbed the sides of your head, moving like a piston, in and out of your throat. Your face burned from lack of air and then suddenly he came into your mouth. Without hesitation you swallowed it down. </p><p>You had surprised yourself, you thought this part would be gross but bearable, however instead you had slightly <em> enjoyed </em> it?</p><p>You didn’t think about it for too long because Kylo Ren had placed a finger under your chin, forcing you to look up.</p><p>“Rise Y/N.”</p><p>You obeyed, body ablaze at his touch and attention.</p><p>He wedged a finger into your mouth, “bite.”</p><p>Using your teeth he pulled a glove off, without breaking what would have been eye contact if you could see his eyes, he ran his bare hand down your body, and then switched to running up your thigh, under your skirt. </p><p>Lightly he dipped under your underwear and ran his large finger along your slit, causing you to shudder.</p><p>Without saying a word he used his other hand to remove his glove from your mouth, where it had stayed, hanging. He replaced it with a glistening finger, and gently rubbed your juices on your waiting lips. Not needing a command you licked it off.</p><p>“So perfect.”</p><p>You glowed at his praise, satisfied. </p><p>He backed away from you, leaving you in a daze.</p><p>“Get dressed and get some rest, Y/N.”</p><p>He retired to his bedroom, leaving you thoroughly hot and bothered in the Commander’s kitchen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Any feedback is welcome, I would love to hear what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Dirty Little Secret</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1JAnC4VkVIbO7C6Vislnue</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You stumbled, still in shock, back to your room. Your brain could barely process what just happened so you decided not to think about it. You just prayed that Sienna was not awake so you didn't have to talk. Even more so, you hoped that you didn’t walk into some kind of orgy, knowing Sienna you were just waiting for it to eventually happen. </p><p>Luckily, all you walked into was a dark room. It seemed Sienna was still out. Even though you had showered before the party it felt like you needed to again. This time under icy water. Stripping out of your clothes you couldn’t help but remember Kylo Ren’s touch and reality came crashing down on you.</p><p>You had sucked his dick. Given your Commander a blowjob. <em> Holy hell</em>, <em> what has happened to me? I can’t believe I lost my resolve. I came to him for answers and instead he ended up cumming in my mouth!  </em></p><p>At that thought you started to giggle which turned into a full blown laugh attack. For some reason being bad felt so good. You didn’t try to deny it, you loved every moment of the encounter. You had never been called those dirty names before and thought if you ever were you would fight against it, but instead they felt like the highest praise you had ever received. You had always been an over-achiever and people pleaser—constantly seeking out validation. Being praised for your sexual prowess was something you never had even considered. But you liked it, and you wanted more. And it seemed like you were going to get a lot more.</p><p>Smiling and still wildly turned on, you decided to make good use of your detachable showerhead. </p><p>
  
</p><p>You spent the next day resting, as Kylo had ordered. The moment you walked out to finally get something to eat Sienna pounced on you. “Oh my gosh Y/N you will not <em> believe </em>the night I had!”</p><p>“And I am guessing I get to hear every gruesome detail?</p><p>“Oh absolutely! Get some food and settle in.”</p><p>You listened as she regaled you with every detail of last night's exploits.</p><p>“And then I am there with a cock in my ass and another in my pussy and this girl is making me eat her out on top of it all. I am telling you it was the best sex of my life, and I have had a lot of sex.”</p><p>“You can have...someone do that to your...ass? And at the same time?”</p><p>She giggled, “sometimes I forget how innocent you are. How do you think Carlos has sex silly?”</p><p>“Sienna! You know that’s not what I meant!”</p><p>“Isn’t it?”</p><p>Sweetly, you gave her a vulgar gesture, to which she stuck out her tongue.</p><p>“Speaking of Carlos I invited him over to watch movies with us, he should be here soon.”</p><p>You nodded, thinking about what she said. <em> Innocent? Would someone who is innocent choke on Kylo Ren’s dick on his kitchen floor? </em> </p><p>But you kept your mouth shut. You didn’t really know why but you did not feel like telling your friends what had happened. It was hard enough keeping him anonymous, but trying to explain to them how someone they saw as sweet and naive could end up in the position you'd been in felt complicated. You liked your image being pure, and what you had done had been nothing of the sort. Plus right now it was your private dirty little secret, and you wanted to hold onto it for a while longer. Once you shared it no longer was just yours.</p><p>“Think you might see any of them again? Or was it just a one night thing?” Sienna, for all her effervescence, was not very good at letting people in. </p><p>“Well, the girl did ask me to dinner. But I don’t know.”</p><p>“You should! What does she do?”</p><p>Sienna fidgeted and you raised a brow. “She is an engineer.”</p><p>“Cute?”</p><p>“Very cute.”</p><p>Carlos burst in the door, he knew your code by heart at this point, “oh my gosh girls you will not <em> believe </em>the night I had!”</p><p><em> Here we go again. </em> You smiled to yourself, <em> little do they know I have a wild sex story of my own.  </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Inkling of Attention</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=939653233a124450<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/5qOmZ8D5KueySUYqkyYypI?si=01923a161d9845d5</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A couple days had passed and you were back to feeling frustrated and ignored. You weren’t used to not having control. Your life was organized and balanced, and you were completely content with that. But now that Kylo Ren had come into your humdrum life and made a mess of it you thought at the very least he owed you some consistency. So you decided today was officially the day that you would take back some of your power.</p>
<p>As with all good things, that started with your clothes. Unfortunately for you, as well as the state of your bedroom, that meant pulling seemingly every article of clothing out of your closet. Nothing had stuck out to you, no article of clothing striking inspiration. </p>
<p>You sighed, tempted to give up and give in to cocooning yourself in the pile of fabric on the floor. It really should not be this hard, you only had three color options and it was not like you had tons of different kinds of clothes to begin with. Yet, somehow Kylo Ren had left you a bumbling mess of insecurities. All you wanted was for him to be direct, to tell you exactly where things stood, what he wanted from you, what you could expect from him in the future. If it was going to be a once a week arrangement and ignoring your very existence in between—that was fine with you. It was the not <em> knowing </em> that was stressing you out of your mind. You didn’t like games, you wanted clear communication. Was that so much to ask?</p>
<p>“Hey Sienna? What is the best outfit to get a guy to notice you?” You called out from your room.</p>
<p>She walked in to answer, “hm, notice you in what kind of way?”</p>
<p>You tilted your head, drawing your eyebrows together.</p>
<p>She shook her head with a smile, “I mean notice you like make him imagine you walking down the aisle or like make him imagine taking you over a table?”</p>
<p>You just started blankly at her. She never ceased to shock you with her bluntness.</p>
<p>Waving her hand she declared, “doesn’t matter! It’s the same look for both. White dress, something conservative but not all covered up.”</p>
<p>“Really? I get that it’s bridal...but why would that make a guy want to ‘take me over a table’ as you so delicately put it?”</p>
<p>She shrugged, “guys love the whole innocence act. Makes them want to take it or whatever. What can I say? Men are disgusting.”</p>
<p>You laughed, “Sienna <em> you’re </em>disgusting!” But you couldn’t argue with her. She had a point, and luckily you had just the dress.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Later on, you were engrossed in your work and were busy taking care of little tasks around the base. Unexpectedly a shiver raced down your spine, your subconscious noting a presence behind you before your mind could catch up. You did not even have time to turn before Kylo Ren’s voice crackled over your body in little sparks. “You smell nice,” he remarked huskily before continuing on his way.</p>
<p>You could not believe that he had said that so nonchalantly. As if he did not just derail your whole day with that one little comment.</p>
<p>His voice combined with three simple words, that’s all it was. And yet you wanted to charge him for arson, the way having his attention ignited you. You both loved and hated that the slightest inkling of attention made you weak in your knees.</p>
<p>It wasn’t fair that he had the upper hand in every single way. <em> I want some control too! </em>Obviously the dress had worked, but it wasn’t enough.</p>
<p>Emboldened, you quickly finished your to-do list, a wicked idea formulating.</p>
<p>Later that day the housekeeper who was in charge of tending to Kylo’s room stopped by for his cart to be restocked.</p>
<p>“Anik, I have something new for you. Please place this on the Commander’s kitchen table.”</p>
<p>He looked at what you gave him incredulously, “a bottle of perfume? Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Yes I’m sure,” you shrugged, “maybe he has a new lady friend?”</p>
<p>“Whatever you say Y/N, anything for you. But it’s your neck on the line, you know that.”</p>
<p>You smiled, “you’re the best! Thank you.”</p>
<p>This was the perfect plan. You had considered asking Anik to put it on the kitchen floor by the wall where everything had happened but decided that would be even harder to make it seem like a believable request.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>After that you had gotten back to work, practically forgetting what you had done, so you were shocked when the door to the storage room swung open as you were just closing for the day.</p>
<p>Kylo Ren loomed over you, blocking the exit.</p>
<p>You bit your lip, all your earlier confidence immediately fizzling away. <em> Maybe that wasn’t the best idea, he seems pissed. </em></p>
<p>“You expect you can just flounce around like a little tease and not get punished?”</p>
<p>“No—no Commander. I just…”</p>
<p>“I don't want to hear it. I hope you’re happy to know that my housekeeper is suspended for that little stunt you pulled.”</p>
<p>You frowned, you didn’t want Anik to get hurt in this dumb, flirtatious crossfire. “No sir please, it wasn’t his fault.”</p>
<p>“And who’s fault is it?”</p>
<p>You looked at the floor, ashamed, “mine sir, it’s my fault.”</p>
<p>“And how should you pay for this?”</p>
<p>You wracked your brain for an appropriate response before it dawned on you. You had hoped your actions would lead to more, maybe this was your chance to get it. You took a steadying breath before looking up at him with a smirk, “I think I should be punished, Commander.”</p>
<p>The sexual tension was so thick you found it hard to breathe.</p>
<p>“My room, eight o’clock. And Y/N?”</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Wear that ridiculous dress.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I Said to Count*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/24sta0vD8EdPYKNlyS14bA?si=abb425fbf8f74d28</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You spent the three hours before you were supposed to meet Kylo pacing. You had tried to distract yourself, tried to eat and relax but you couldn’t calm down. You were anxious but deliciously excited as well. All you had been wanting for days was <em> more </em> and you were finally getting it.</p><p>Five minutes to go, you decided it was time to head out. Just before leaving your room you slipped off your panties on a whim. You hoped you wouldn’t be needing them.</p><p>Too soon you were outside his door, doubting your choices. But you didn’t have time to back out as the door flew open for you, just like it had the last time.</p><p>This time you found Kylo Ren in what you assumed was his bedroom. It was sparsely decorated, and a very dreary gray which you supposed was his version of colorful. It appeared all black was his general aesthetic. He was still fully dressed, mask and all. But it was the sight of his bed that made your heart race.</p><p>He turned to look at you, not saying anything. The awkward silence was pressing in on you so you decided to break the tension.</p><p>“I’m, uh...ready for you to fuck me now.”</p><p>Kylo chuckled at that, “little girl do you really believe you’re ready for that?”</p><p>You bit your lip, you thought you were. <em> Wasn’t that what he summoned me here for? </em> “Well...I—“</p><p>He stepped closer to you and gently caressed your arms. You closed your eyes, melting into his touch, sending shivers down your body. “You really think you’re ready for me to destroy you, ruin you completely, make you utterly mine?”</p><p>
  <em> Yes, yes please. That sounds like exactly what I want. </em>
</p><p>“Eager little thing, I know you want it. And you’ll get it—but not now.”</p><p>You frowned, “but I want you!” You exclaimed, desperate for relief.</p><p>“I forgot just how much of an absolute slut you are for me. Don’t worry little one, there are other ways to relieve the ache between your thighs. It’s time I repaid the favor. But first your punishment.”</p><p><em> Oh shit, I thought my punishment was sex. </em>Although, you supposed that was not really punishment being it was what you wanted so badly.</p><p>He sat down on the edge of the bed, “come here.”</p><p>You moved to sit next to him but stopped when he shook his head.</p><p>“No Y/N, lay over my lap.”</p><p>You looked at him, genuinely confused, yet, like before, you felt compelled to obey him, and so you did. </p><p>Roughly he flipped your dress up, revealing your bare ass. You blushed fiercely. </p><p>“What do we have here? Really Y/N you are absolutely deplorable. It seems your naivety is simply an act, you came here <em> wanting </em>this, didn’t you? I bet if I checked you’d already be wet for me. Such a naughty girl.”</p><p>You could only hang your head in shame. Your bare ass was willingly on his lap, you <em> did </em>want this.</p><p>“I can’t wait to mark you all over. We shall start here though, count for me,” he said, pulling off his gloves.</p><p>You screeched as his large hand came down on you. The reality of your situation hitting you over the head. You were going to be spanked by your Commander.</p><p>“I said to count, bitch.”</p><p>“One!” You somehow managed to gasp out.</p><p>And so it went, his hand coming down on you again and again, flesh against flesh creating a cracking sound. His hands were just so damn <em> large</em>. Each forceful slap drew out a yelp from you, followed by a moment of reprieve as he drew back to only hit you again, each strike hurting more than the last. Yet, you could not deny the ache it was creating between your thighs. Each harsh smack left behind perplexingly pleasant stinging and tingling in its wake. </p><p>And so it went, his hand coming down on you again and again.</p><p>“Ten!” you shouted, beginning to cry. </p><p>Suddenly his touch turned gentler, and you sighed as he caressed and soothed your burning ass. Abruptly his hand moved to your aching pussy and you let out a moan. He dipped a finger into you and you clenched around him. This felt <em> way </em> better than the other time you had been fingered.</p><p>“Just like I suspected, soaking wet for me. You’re a little whore for pain, aren’t you? I think a thank you is in order.”</p><p>You moaned as he slipped another finger into you, “yes, thank you sir,” you breathed, letting the pleasure wash over you.</p><p>“For what Y/N?”</p><p>“Oh, please sir, don’t stop, thank you for punishing me. I am sorry I was such a bad little girl.”</p><p>His fingers stopped moving and you whined, “why’d you stop?”</p><p>“Be quiet, I’m admiring my pet.”</p><p>Promptly you shut up, <em> how am I supposed to respond to that? </em></p><p>His fingers began to pump again and you delighted when he brushed over your clit. But you wanted <em> more</em>. “You know Commander, I wouldn’t quite say you’ve repaid my favor. Don’t I deserve to see what your mouth can do?”</p><p>“Little one you are all levels of filthy...” his hand stilled as he pondered, leaving you waiting with bated breath, hoping your cheekiness would be rewarded instead of punished this time. “But I suppose it is only fair. Get off my lap and lay face up on the bed.”</p><p>Scrambling, you obliged, scared and excited. Sienna had told you this was the best but you had never been able to test for yourself if that was true. </p><p>You watched as Kylo headed to his dresser, pulling out what looked like a long black ribbon. <em> What is that for?  </em>Your questions were quickly answered as he laid it over your eyes, lifting your head to tie it in the back.</p><p>All your senses were heightened and you heard the hiss of what you assumed was him taking off his mask. That turned you on even more, you just wished you could see his face. Then it went pressingly silent. Your heart raced in anticipation. Abruptly, you let out a scream as your ankles were pulled, dragging you to the edge of the bed. He roughly bunched up your dress to your waist, wasting no time. Quickly, your unease turned to pleasure as Kylo began lazily licking your inner thighs. His tongue lavished you, taunting you by working closer and closer to where you needed it most, but never quite making it there. You squirmed, body on fire. </p><p>“Be a good girl and ask for what you need little one.”</p><p>“I need you Kylo, please!”</p><p>“You have me, be more specific,” he murmured against your thigh before suckling the tender flesh in between his teeth.</p><p>Underneath the blindfold you squeezed your eyes shut, tears threatening to come out. You were overwhelmed at the sensations and how much you <em> wanted</em>.</p><p>“I want—I want—”</p><p>What did you want? You did not even know where to begin in order to articulate everything you <em> wanted</em>, everything you <em> needed</em>.</p><p>You let out a whine, desperate as his tongue once again reached so close to where the fire was.</p><p>“Just tell me where you want my mouth little one, that’s all you have to do.”</p><p>“Everywhere Kylo, I was it everywhere!”</p><p>“Right now?”</p><p>“My clit Kylo, inside of me please,” you breathed out, his ministrations pulling the answer from your wound up body.</p><p>Finally, he gave a long lap over your slit and began tracing his tongue over your clit. “Oh Kylo please, <em>more</em>.”</p><p>He obliged, easily slipping two fingers into you as he suckled your clit. That sent your body into overdrive and you started writhing, “don’t stop!” You moaned wantonly.</p><p>All logic left you and you reached down to push him further into you. Your brain registered the feeling of soft long hair and you felt him moan into you. Spurred on you wrapped your hands into his hair, holding him against you. He began pumping faster in you, and you felt your orgasm rising quickly, “Kylo I am going to cum!” Just as you reached the edge he plunged a third finger into you, causing you to instantly orgasm, pleasure rolling through you from your head to your toes. Bathed in the afterglow your body took over and you promptly sat up to find his face with your hands so that you could pull him to your lips, crushing him in a kiss. He froze and you backed off sputtering, “I’m sorry Kylo I—” Then his lips were on yours again and you immediately responded to him. Remnants of your pleasure remained smeared on his face, but that just made it hotter, tasting yourself from his lips. Wishing you could see him you settled with running your hands through his hair as he pushed you back into the bed, deepening the kiss. It felt both like seconds and years had passed when you’d stopped. You could feel him laying at your side so you turned towards him. You wanted to <em> see </em> him, but you knew better than to remove your blindfold. Tentatively you reached out to touch him. He didn’t stop you as you explored his face gingerly with your hands, using touch and imagination to fill in the details. <em> Hm, large nose, sharp jawline</em>. You passed over his lips with your fingers, <em> very plump, very kissable lips—but that I already knew</em>. You continued, feeling every part of his face. Satisfied, you resumed playing with his hair, it was apparent to you that he enjoyed that, as he leaned into your touch, and you did too. </p><p>“I’m sorry about the kissing...that was wrong of me to do after you had asked me not to.”</p><p>He sighed, “Y/N if I truly wanted you to stop you’d be forced to stop. But let’s try to respect boundaries.”</p><p>You whispered meekly, “ok, I am really sorry though...I am curious though, why did you let me?”</p><p>“I wanted to, and you’re different.”</p><p>“If you say I’m ‘not like other girls’ I’m going to throw up.”</p><p>He chuckled and for what felt like the millionth time you yearned to see him.</p><p>“Kylo?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“What color is your hair?”</p><p>“My hair is black.”</p><p>“And your eyes?”</p><p>“Brown.”</p><p>“What kind of brown?”</p><p>“The brown kind.”</p><p>You pouted, “that is not very descriptive. I will imagine they look like dirt unless you tell me something better.”</p><p>“Imagine whatever you would like princess.”</p><p>You scowled, “light or dark?”</p><p>“Light.”</p><p>“Fine, if that is all you will give I will pretend they are like honey. That sounds nice.” You smiled as you completed his image in your mind, “you are very handsome.”</p><p>He gently pried your fingers out of his hair. “You can’t possibly know that,” he whispered.</p><p>It surprised you, this side of him. He was almost vulnerable? “I think I can see enough to know. Though I would like to see...for real?”</p><p>The tone changed quickly, “get up Y/N, it is time for you to leave.”</p><p>You felt him leave the bed and heard the tell-tale sound of him putting his mask back on. Immediately you felt the void where he had been. More upsetting was you could physically feel him close off from you. He ripped off the blindfold and you blinked as the world came reeling back into focus. “But Kylo, I thought we could—”</p><p>He whirled to look at you, anger radiating off of him in waves, “you thought we could what? Cuddle?”</p><p>That hurt you, and you became angry yourself, “I guess! Is that so revolting to you?”</p><p>He shook his head, “don’t expect to be coddled, it is unbecoming. I thought I told you to leave.”</p><p>You looked at him, tears beginning to well up in your eyes. Dejected, you turned and ran back to the safety of your own bed to sob.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>He is definitely in the wrong but I can't help but love moody, sensitive Kylo &lt;3<br/>I would love to hear what you think so far! Any feedback is welcome.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. I'm Starving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I am excited! We are like really in it now :D<br/>I forgot to say earlier that I tried to be really conscience of how I was writing "you." However, I am not perfect so if something I say pulls you out of the story because it doesn't fit you please let me know and I will do my best to rewrite it. Additionally, any feedback of any sort is welcome.<br/>Ok, that's it! Enjoy!<br/>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=b72a318660b74353<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/2fZQIJew3nkNe99s2PKzul?si=328a01be8f7c41e9</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had resigned yourself to spending the weekend moping around wrapped in a blanket feeling sorry for yourself. You didn’t know what had gone wrong. It was going so well with Kylo, he had been so tender with you before he kicked you out. Against your better judgement you had started developing feelings of attachment. But that was hopeless, he never seemed to care about anything before.</p><p>However, Sienna had different plans for your Saturday. At noon she barged into your room, ripping the blankets off of you.</p><p>“Hey what was that for?!”</p><p>“Get your sorry ass out of bed and get ready to go. We are going to the market.”</p><p>You could feel tears begin springing up. Sienna sat down next to you and wrapped you in a hug. That broke you, and you fell into her chest sobbing. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>You shook your head against her chest. “Ok then love, you don’t have to explain. I know boys can suck, but don’t waste your tears on him.”</p><p>At that moment Carlos walked in, he took in the situation and immediately came over to join in holding you. <em> What would I do without these people? </em></p><p>The three of you sat in silence for a bit before Carlos decided enough was enough. “Alright babe you need some fresh air. Sienna and I will help fix you up and we’ll have a nice outing, I know you can’t resist street food!”</p><p>Still buried in Sienna you mumbled, “I do like food.”</p><p>“Perfect! Alright you are coming with me so I can fix your face. Carlos, pick her out something cute.”</p><p>Within minutes you looked like a brand new person, a person who didn’t spend the better part of the last 24 hours bawling. You checked yourself out in the mirror, “I swear you guys are too good to be true.” </p><p>“We know!” They chimed back, smiling at you. </p><p>“Alright, let’s go then!”</p><p>
  
</p><p>It had been awhile since you had gone anywhere off base and it felt good to leave. The three of you boarded a ship to visit a near planet that was known for their street market, a group favorite. </p><p>You breathed in the scent of the market, trying to remember when you last ate. “Gosh everything smells delicious!”</p><p>“Then let’s get some food!” Carlos exclaimed.</p><p>The three of you spent hours going from food stall to food stall, snacking your way through the market. That was the routine, it was rare when one of you bought something that couldn’t be immediately consumed. </p><p>You had briefly broken off from them to grab a drink when you heard a familiar voice. </p><p>“Y/N!”</p><p>You turned to find Anik, Kylo’s housekeeper. “Anik! So good to see you!”</p><p>He beamed at you and you suddenly remembered his suspension. “Anik I am so incredibly sorry about your suspension I never meant for—”</p><p>He cut you off, placing a hand on your shoulder, “don’t worry about it Y/N, it was only for a week. Besides you are so incredible at your job I figured you had your reasons.”</p><p>You grinned at that. <em> He thinks I am incredible at my job? </em></p><p>“Hey Y/N what do you say I get you some blue milk and we can hangout for a bit?”</p><p>You hadn’t ever spent much time outside of work speaking with Anik but you thought it could be fun, a welcome distraction. “Ok, I just need to let my friends know so they don’t worry.”</p><p>Together you found Sienna and Carlos and you let them know you were going to hangout with Anik for a bit. Both of them raised their eyebrows at that, taking in Anik. He was an attractive man, tall with skin the color of coffee and dark curly hair. You hadn’t really thought much of that before, but after seeing your friends’ faces you couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was. </p><p>Sienna gave you a knowing look, “ok, we can meet back here in an hour. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”</p><p>“Or me!” Carlos piped. </p><p>You laughed, calling back to them, “that doesn’t leave much off limits!”</p><p>“Well,” Anik began, “what would you like to do?”</p><p>You bit your lip, thinking, “honestly I usually just eat when I am here.”</p><p>Anik burst out laughing at that. </p><p>“What?” you asked, slightly offended, “it is just the truth.”</p><p>“No, no I am not laughing at you Y/N, I also like the food here. Let’s get you fed then.”</p><p>The laughing didn’t stop from then on out. Anik and you ate and ate and ate, chatting all the while. </p><p>Finally you stopped to sit and relax for a bit. “So Anik what’s your story?”</p><p>“Want my tragic backstory huh?”</p><p>You giggled, “please indulge me.”</p><p>“Oh you know how it goes, the First Order came, threatened to kill my family unless they gave me over to them. The usual. They wanted to make me a Stormtrooper—but you know I couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone a person.”</p><p>You were appalled, “Anik I had no idea! I am so sorry.”</p><p>“It’s alright, I have come to terms with it. I can only control so much in my life. What about you?”</p><p>“You are so sweet, I never would have guessed how much you’ve suffered. I suppose I was one of the lucky ones, I was born into the First Order. I have never known anything different.” You looked down, feeling ashamed.</p><p>“Hey no need to feel sad for me Y/N, the past is the past. So you truly like it here?”</p><p>You cocked your head, people did not typically ask questions like that. “Yes...I like it enough, I guess? And you?”</p><p>“Enough.”</p><p>You bit your lip, nervous at this kind of talk. The First Order expected loyalty and obedience wholly and completely, there was no tolerance for just “enough.”</p><p>“Are you hungry?”</p><p>You began to giggle, “I’m starving.”</p><p>While you were walking you stopped to admire some flowers that were for sale. You rarely got to see plants at all, especially ones this lovely. </p><p>“This is for you,” Anik said softly, handing you a stunning red flower.</p><p>“Oh Anik it’s so beautiful, thank you!” Excited, you wrapped him in a hug. </p><p>As you pulled away from him something caught your attention. There was a flurry of black and then it disappeared in the market. You could have almost sworn that was—</p><p>“Y/N? Everything ok?”</p><p>You went back to looking at Anik, “yeah, I just think I am finally full.”</p><p>“I thought that would be impossible,” he joked, “let’s go meet up with your friends then.”</p><p>“Sounds good,” you smiled and gazed into his beautiful brown eyes. A strange sort of sadness washed over you as you realized there were another pair of brown eyes you wanted to see more. And no matter how hard you tried, all the food in the galaxy couldn’t fill the emptiness of what you truly hungered for.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Recipe For Disappointment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/4Ce37cRWvM1vIGGynKcs22?si=d33225124f764ad4</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The feeling of emptiness followed you as you returned home from the market. You had such a good time up until the very end. But you were determined not to let Kylo Ren ruin your day anymore than he had. Anik was kind and objectively handsome. He was interested in you, interested  in talking to you, interested in getting to know you for who you truly were. Kylo was undoubtedly interested in you for one thing and one thing only.</p>
<p>Besides, Anik had a point, you could only control so much in life, and you <em> could </em> control your feelings. You were a hopeless romantic, but stupid you were not, and you knew developing any attachment to Kylo Ren beyond sexual was a recipe for disappointment and heartbreak.</p>
<p>And yet...as crazy as it was you felt like you truly saw through him. The way he reacted to you suggesting he could be beautiful...his apparent fear of a true connection. You saw him for what he was, underneath all the power and mask, just a scared little boy pretending to have it all together.</p>
<p>And something about that called to you, for weren’t you just a scared little girl?</p>
<p>Are we not all just scared little children pretending to be grown? Do we ever really grow-up? Does the world ever become less frightening?</p>
<p>“What would you two say to a movie?” Carlos inquired as the three of you began walking towards the living quarters. </p>
<p>“I’m in!” Sienna chimed, “Y/N?”</p>
<p>You smiled, these were the people you should spend your energy on. “You don’t have to ask me twice!”</p>
<p>When you got home the three of you immediately snuggled into the couch and turned on a movie. After it ended you stayed up late chatting and laughing. </p>
<p>Carlos stood up, “any of you want some snacks while I am up?”</p>
<p>You groaned, patting your stomach lovingly, “I love food but I am still stuffed from today”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Sienna sighed, “everything was so delicious.”</p>
<p>He quickly came back with a bowl of chips, which you and Sienna immediately descended upon.</p>
<p>Carlos just shook his head good-naturedly, he knew the two of you well enough at this point to have expected this outcome.</p>
<p>“Carlos, I’m sorry I didn’t ask sooner, but whatever happened to that guy you were kissing at the party?” you asked. Usually you were such a good friend, and you were upset at yourself for neglecting them.</p>
<p>“Well...we have been talking since then, and we actually have a date set-up! Can you believe it?”</p>
<p>“Oh that’s fabulous! You deserve it.” Sienna exclaimed and you nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>“Is it that chef who was ogling you?” You inquired.</p>
<p>Carlos sighed, “unfortunately no. That man was so dreamy but he never made a move, not even when I got food and flirted with him!”</p>
<p>“Maybe he’s shy?” Sienna offered.</p>
<p>Carlos pursed his lips with a shrug, “maybe.”</p>
<p>“Hey, he is missing out if he doesn’t pluck up the courage and talk to you Carlos,” you said.</p>
<p>Sienna reached to teasingly squeeze Carlos’ bicep, “and with these you are practically irresistible!”</p>
<p>“You noticed!” Carlos said with a grin.</p>
<p>You giggled, giving air punches, “boy has got some ammo!” </p>
<p>“I have been working out a lot,” he admitted.</p>
<p>“Let’s see the results boy, take off your shirt!” Sienna demanded with glee.</p>
<p>“I am not talking off my shirt Sienna.”</p>
<p>“C’mon Y/N help me convince him!”</p>
<p>“Take it off! Take it off!” Sienna and you began to chant, laughing all the while.</p>
<p>“Fine, fine, you two are heathens. This is harassment you know,” Carlos rolled his eyes, standing up to pull his shirt off.</p>
<p>“Ooo Carlos! Look at those abs!” You remarked, enjoying Carlos’ grin at the compliment and attention.</p>
<p>“Do a twirl for us babe,” Sienna ordered.</p>
<p>With a flush Carlos obliged as you and Sienna cheered.</p>
<p>“Ok girls take your last eyeful, show’s over.”</p>
<p>Sienna feigned a pout, “boo!” </p>
<p>He flopped back onto the couch, beaming.</p>
<p>“Now what about you Sienna?” you asked, “anyone in your life?”</p>
<p>She laughed, shaking her curls, “consistently? Never. But I can always find someone if I get cold at night.”</p>
<p>“I think you mean horny!” Carlos joked and the three of you broke into fits of giggles.</p>
<p>“What about your girl Sienna? A certain ‘cute’ engineer?” You pressed.</p>
<p>Her face flushed, “nothing about my girl.”</p>
<p>“Aw you’re blushing!” Carlos squealed.</p>
<p>“Am not!” Sienna protested.</p>
<p>“Sure, sure,” Carlos said, “are we ever going to get a name?” </p>
<p>Sienna crossed her arms, “if Y/N can have her mystery man I can have my mystery woman.”</p>
<p>“What?” Your prodded, “afraid we will embarrass you?” </p>
<p>“Oh I’m petrified,” she responded dryly. “What about you Y/N?”</p>
<p>“Yeah that Anik guy was really sexy,” Carlos added.</p>
<p>You groaned, “please don’t even get me started, I do <em> not </em> feel like talking about my love life right now.”</p>
<p>Thankfully, they didn’t push you. It was hours before you returned to your room, and it was only when you got into bed that you noticed something on your dresser. You investigated, curious. Gasping, it took you a moment to comprehend that it was a bouquet of white flowers. You read the note that accompanied them:</p>
<p>“<em>These reminded me of your dress. Sleep well, little one.</em>”</p>
<p>Against your better judgement butterflies started fluttering in your stomach as you buried your face into the flowers, inhaling the sweet scent. </p>
<p>Mind racing you laid down on the floor. Maybe you were stupid, maybe this was just a recipe for disappointment.</p>
<p>You turned your head at a knock to find Sienna standing in your doorway.</p>
<p>“Come in.”</p>
<p>Without a word she laid down next to you and took your hand, giving it a supportive squeeze.</p>
<p>You laid there together for a long time, breaths eventually synchronizing.</p>
<p>Finally you spoke, “I like him.”</p>
<p>She waited for you to continue.</p>
<p>“But I can’t.”</p>
<p>You sighed, tapping your free hand’s fingers on the ground.</p>
<p>“I can but I can’t. I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt, that I’m going to get my heart broken. I don’t want to feel that way ever again.”</p>
<p>Tears welled in your eyes as you scanned the ceiling for cracks.</p>
<p>“And I already know what you’re going to say, ‘you’re never going to love ever again because you got hurt once?’ and the answer is I don’t know. How can I know? I barely recovered the last time. How can I willingly do that to myself again?”</p>
<p>She gave your hand another reassuring squeeze.</p>
<p>“And yes I know that you’d just tell me that all good things require some risk and uncertainty and that I can’t live a full life without the possibility of pain and sadness, that that’s a part of life even though I don’t want it to be and blah blah blah.”</p>
<p>Sienna turned her head to face you with a smile, “wow, the me in your head is extremely wise.”</p>
<p>“What should I do Sienna? I’m so torn!”</p>
<p>“I don’t know on this one hun, I think this is something you have to decide on your own.”</p>
<p>“But what’s the right choice?”</p>
<p>She sighed, “sometimes there is no right or wrong, it’s just a choice, plain and simple.”</p>
<p>“That’s not very helpful.”</p>
<p>She gave a soft laugh, “no, I suppose it isn’t. But I know you Y/N, you’ll figure it out. And I’ll be here to pick up the pieces with you if he breaks your heart. <em> If</em>. But I’ll be here too if he’s your happily ever after.”</p>
<p>You squeezed your eyes tight, “but I’ll never get either ending if I don’t see it out is what you’re trying to say.”</p>
<p>Sienna grinned, “I said nothing of the sort.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t have to, the ‘you’ in my mind is very loud.”</p>
<p>“That’s how I like it!”</p>
<p>You bit your lip, the late hour suddenly catching up with you, “should we just sleep on the floor?”</p>
<p>“As fun as that sounds we’d hate ourselves come morning.”</p>
<p>“But I don’t want to move,” you whined, “morning ‘me’ can deal with the consequences, now ‘me’ wants to stay on the floor.”</p>
<p>She stood up, offering you a hand to pull you up. “C’mon, to bed with you my little over-thinker.”</p>
<p>You groaned, allowing her to help you up and usher you into bed.</p>
<p>In the dark you stared at the bouquet, pondering. Maybe you wanted the heartbreak and pain. Maybe you wanted to know how it felt to burn.</p>
<p>You slept better than you had in a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for lack of Kylo in these two chapters, I have to have story and character development boo :P<br/>So I don't feel like I am screaming into a void perhaps leave a comment? Tell me what you are thinking! Any predictions? Tell me about your day! Do you have friends like Sienna and Carlos? Do you have a partner like Kylo? Give some criticism if you have some!<br/>I'm all ears, er, eyes in this case.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Beautiful</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=e8addc94163e4921<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1LoriJC05IrHIDwj3q0KC1?si=0fcc298899ca4745</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waking up you immediately checked your dresser, afraid that it had been a dream. But the flowers were still there, lovely and vibrant.</p><p>It made you smile. It was a sweet gesture, and further added to the enigma that was Kylo Ren. Astounding how easily he could go from demeaning you and throwing you out to calling you pet names and giving you flowers. </p><p>You rubbed your temples. You were not dumb, or too caught up in the good to not see the bad. Realistically, these were crystal clear signs of the beginning of an abusive relationship. You weren’t delusional enough to think it couldn’t happen to you, it already had. It could happen to anyone.</p><p>But it did put you in a difficult position. </p><p><em> Is he being cold and guarded or is he truly cruel? Is there really that much of a difference? </em> That was the real question.</p><p>You spent the day pondering these questions, rolling them around in your head, trying to see them from all angles. <em> Would it really be that bad to be just used for sex? I am enjoying it too, there is no inequality in orgasms, and Sienna does say that is key in casual relationships. But can I personally do casual? Am I willing to?  </em></p><p>With <em> him </em> you had thought it was love. <em> He </em> had treated you ridiculously well...until he didn’t. <em> He </em> lied and manipulated and gaslighted. <em> He </em> made fake promises, while Kylo told you exactly what this relationship was going to be. Though brutal, at least Kylo was honest. Better harsh truths than pretty lies.</p><p>You sighed, a headache developing. All of the fun of whatever was going on between Kylo and you was being sucked out by your overthinking.</p><p>You groaned, frustrated. <em> I wish I was sucking something else</em>. That thought caught you off guard, and you were struck with a moment of pure clarity. You had made up your mind. You might regret it, but you’d regret it more if you didn’t even allow yourself to see what would happen.</p><p>Decision made, you got ready quickly, not fussing too much over your appearance with the hope that your hair, makeup, and clothes would be messed up by the end of the night anyways. </p><p>You made your way to Kylo’s door, heart pounding as it slid open for you.</p><p>As if he had sensed your impending arrival you found him sitting on his bed in his full glory. Draping ropes hid his body, leather gloves obscured his hands, and his helmet covered his face. And yet, even with no skin showing, you were drawn to him, attracted to this overbearing, dark man.</p><p>You wet your lips as you stared and stared at him, drinking him in. “Thank you for the flowers.”</p><p>Not wasting any time with pleasantries he demanded coolly, “tell me what you are here for Y/N, I need to hear it. I need to know you want this, and that you understand what this will be.”</p><p>You searched for words, nothing sounding right. “I am here...I am here for you Kylo. I want more. I want to know more. I want you to show me more. I want you.”</p><p>He gave a slight nod. Satisfied with your answer, he stood.</p><p>You held your breath as he moved to take off his helmet. Heart racing, time began to stand still. For all you knew he could be repulsive, not that looks really mattered, but you had pictured him in your head so many times and the thought you could be so wrong was somewhat frightening. Panic struck you, <em> what if he is an old man? </em> Kylo scoffed as his helmet hissed free, at a painstakingly slow pace he finally removed his helmet.</p><p>You gasped, eyes widening as you took him in.</p><p>Looking at him was as blinding as staring at a star, as captivating as looking into an abyss. Somehow he was even more attractive than your imagination could possibly have come up with, worlds more attractive. There was something unconventionally enticing about him.</p><p>His dark hair contrasted with his pale skin and amber eyes. Your hands itched to run your hands through those beautiful locks, to lose yourself in those eyes, eyes that drew you in, eyes that made a person contemplate their place in the universe. The most striking part of him was his nose, which perched over plush lips. It was an asymmetrical nose, large and out of the ordinary, it did something to humanize him, an endearingly unique feature. Every part of him was intriguing, and pulled you in, including the speckling of freckles and moles. He was a work of art, a masterpiece. He was <em> beautiful</em>.</p><p>As if under a spell you moved towards him, compelled. Reverently you tucked his hair behind his ear. His ears made you grin, they were hidden by his hair, and they were very large, just like the rest of him. You tried to hide your thoughts, sure hearing you call him adorable wasn’t what he needed right now.</p><p>You knew this was a big step for him. It was an honor that he was showing you himself, this part of him. It was glaringly evident to you that the helmet, the robes, the gloves, the whole ensemble—and his entire persona really—were ways to guard the man inside. His own personal armor. You thought he wore it to protect himself, but now you saw his need for protection went past skin-deep. <em> I wonder what has happened to him that makes him think he needs to hide? </em></p><p>His hand reached up to yours, holding it gently against his face before removing your hand.</p><p>Piece by piece he continued to bare himself to you as you stared in silent awe at him. Your previous appraisal was correct, he was like a statue, the perfect amount of muscle. And he was huge, all over. His hands, his freaking damn hands alone turned you on. But coupled with his stunning face and carved torso it was almost too much to take in at once. As if you would be blinded by beholding Kylo Ren in his full radiance, in his truest form. And his thighs! Why were his thighs so insanely large? Your brain felt like it was short-circuiting from simply looking at him.</p><p><em>Beautiful</em>.</p><p>It suddenly struck you that this would be enough, just this, standing here, drinking him in, breathing his air.</p><p>But this was simply a transactional meeting, and you were here with a goal in mind—you weren’t about to be deterred by a broken boy with soulful eyes.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Make Me Yours*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>IT'S HAPPENING!!!<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6oVxXO5oQ4pTpO8RSnkzvv?si=0bb2b608477f419c (I am a huge Swiftie so her songs of course have to make an appearance)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>This time you knew it with full certainty. You were about to lose your virginity to Kylo Ren. </p><p>“Before we begin I have some preliminary questions.”</p><p>“Um, ok?”</p><p>“Are you on birth control?”</p><p>You blushed, it was a valid question but it made the gravity of what was about to happen so painfully clear, “yes.”</p><p>“Are you clean?”</p><p>“It’s almost impossible that I’m not...”</p><p>“I am as well, but if you’d like me to get retested or if you want to see the results I can make that happen.”</p><p>You stared at him, not sure if he was serious.</p><p>He continued, “I prefer not to wear a condom and to have the option to cum inside of you, is that something you’d consent to or would you be more comfortable with something else?”</p><p>His bluntness was slightly intimidating, but it also was incredibly arousing. He made you feel special and taken care of, and most importantly, safe.</p><p>“That’s ok with me.” You gulped, “isn’t it...isn’t it going to hurt?”</p><p>“It shouldn’t, especially if you are properly prepared.”</p><p>You whispered, “I’m scared Kylo.”</p><p>He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, and you gazed into his honey eyes, still in awe that you really got to see them. “Don’t fret little one, I’ve got you.” He said it with such conviction that you did not doubt his words.</p><p>You were caught by surprise as he leaned in to kiss you. Being so wound up with nerves, it took you a few moments to respond and start kissing him back. It felt so nice to just enjoy him freely like this.</p><p>“You are still too tense, pet. I know what you need, strip and lay face down on the bed.”</p><p>You didn’t know how getting naked would help you calm down but you followed his orders. When it came to pleasure, you hadn’t been disappointed in Kylo yet. <em> I wonder how he knows all of this stuff? </em></p><p>“I don’t think you’d like the answer to that question. Now stop thinking so much and breathe.”</p><p>You dragged your focus to your breath and gasped when you felt warm oil begin to drip on your bare back. It was almost comforting in a way, but it didn't feel as good as what happened next. Kylo’s hands began rubbing and kneading the oil into your skin, massaging your pent up tension away. “Oh Kylo, that feels decadent.”</p><p>He continued working on your knots, even making his way to massaging your ass, which you didn’t realize could get so tense. “You work too much, Y/N.”</p><p>You mumbled into the sheets, “so do you, keep massaging.”</p><p>“Turn over now.”</p><p>You rolled over and fought hard against the urge to cover yourself. Instead you decided to close your eyes.</p><p>“Open your eyes little one, I want to see how good I make you feel.”</p><p>You slowly peered up at him, letting out a whine as he poured more oil on you and worked it into your breasts. You began to feel warm and fuzzy, pure pleasure taking over you, turning you into putty beneath his strong hands. </p><p>“Don’t get used to this treatment, this won’t happen again. After tonight you will be my personal fucktoy. A means to an end devoted to <em> my </em>pleasure.”</p><p>The words barely registered, you were too at ease to care. Instead you smiled drowsily up at him simply enjoying his face. <em> He is so beautiful, I could look at him for eons and never tire of it, I just want to drown in his eyes.  </em></p><p>He smiled at you and you opened your mouth in awe. You had never seen him smile, you were not quite convinced that he could. His smile was like a star, and it warmed you from your head to your toes. You couldn’t help but notice though that it didn't quite reach his eyes, <em> how sad</em>. “Don’t dwell on it pet, I believe I told you to stop thinking so hard.”</p><p>It was hard to dwell on anything when his hands began moving lower down your body to start kneading your inner thighs.</p><p>You mewled as he got closer and close to touching your clit and you contemplated just shoving his face into you. Heat began to grow from your core, your clit aching to be touched. There wasn’t any doubt in your mind that you were soaking wet.</p><p>“Patience, little one, the torture is part of the pleasure.”</p><p>So you waited, your temperature and need rising. Finally, <em> finally </em> he moved his hands to your weeping slit and you let out a moan. You were already close to cumming just by the excitement of the anticipation. At an aggravatingly slow pace he rubbed your clit. “Please Kylo, you’re tormenting me!” </p><p>Thankfully he began to move faster, easily slipping two fingers into your eager cunt he began to eat you out. Confused as why he wasn’t fucking you but too immersed in pleasure you screamed and writhed on his tongue. Within moments you came intensely. You couldn’t believe it, it must have been only a minute of direct contact with your pussy and you orgasmed. <em> What is he doing to me? </em></p><p>You thought you were done but you felt his fingers leave you and be replaced with something <em> much </em>thicker. You propped yourself up on your elbows to look, eyes widening at the shock of his length nestled against your opening. Fear began racing through you again but you calmed as he resumed rubbing your clit, pleasure starting to outweigh the nerves. </p><p>“I need you to trust me Y/N,” he said huskily, obviously restraining himself. </p><p>Because of that, you did. He was taking care of you. You <em> did </em> trust him, as insane as that was, you did. Resolving yourself you locked eyes with him, “I’m ready, make me yours.”</p><p>At those words you saw a glimmer of emotion in his eyes, but you were quickly distracted as he began to sink himself into you. You kept your focus on his eyes as he moved slowly, giving you time to adjust to his large member.</p><p>You could tell he was watching your reactions, letting you guide his pace. </p><p>He finally bottomed out and you let out a moan. He was so <em> deep</em>. Surprisingly it didn’t hurt, it just felt different than anything you had ever felt before. </p><p>“You are so fucking <em> tight</em>,” he groaned. “How does it feel, little one? Is it ok?”</p><p>You bit your lip, flushing, “it’s more than ok, I feel wonderful Kylo.”</p><p>That spurred him and he began to move, slowly at first, letting you acclimate.</p><p>Swiftly, pleasure began to take over your body. “Oh Kylo, <em> yes</em>, take me. Please just give me <em> more</em>!”</p><p>“Tell me how it feels to be such a slut, letting your Commander take your virginity?”</p><p>Somehow you felt yourself get wetter, feeling confident you smirked, “it feels so damn good Commander.”</p><p>Reacting to your enthusiasm he started thrusting faster, “you like being a whore for me? I bet you <em> love </em>it, such a filthy little girl you are.”</p><p>“<em>Yes, yes,YES </em>! I’m a slut for your cock Commander. I need to be punished, fuck me harder!”</p><p>He again slowed his thrusts and you desperately tried to push yourself into him, whining.</p><p>Kylo leaned down to your breasts, suckling at them. He moved back and forth between each breast, speaking softly. Punctuating each word as he switched between nipples; “oh—my, little one—thinks she likes it—rough, does she?”</p><p>You moaned, wiggling on and milking his cock, hoping to get him moving. “Stop teasing me already!” You cried out, distressed. “<em>Please </em> just <em>fuck me </em> and let me cum!”</p><p>He leaned near your ear, whispering, “I like when you beg.”</p><p>He grabbed your shoulders for leverage and began roughly thrusting into you, pulling you down onto him. You shrieked at the abrupt change in pacing, and began climbing to your orgasm. </p><p>“Fuck me harder, Kylo! <em> Harder</em>!”</p><p>He moaned, “I am going to make you cum all over my dick like the cockslut you are. I knew you wanted this from the moment I touched your hair. I bet you’ve been dreaming about this for weeks.”</p><p>“I have been dreaming about this since I began working on this stupid ship!” </p><p>“You’re a whore Y/N.” </p><p>“At least I am your whore.”</p><p>“Mine,” he growled.</p><p>He continued roughly fucking you and began groping your tits as well. A mysterious force began rubbing your clit and your orgasm rapidly grew.</p><p>“Kylo I’m going to—” </p><p>“Cum for me, little one. Cum for your Commander.”</p><p>The orgasm hit you like a ton of bricks, and you moaned as he pulled out of you, choosing to ejaculate on your breasts.</p><p>You were left a mess, sweating and panting—heart racing. You had never had such an intense orgasm. </p><p>Tenderly Kylo kissed you on the forehead, “you were such a good girl for me.”</p><p>You beamed up at him, thoroughly satisfied.</p><p>After a couple of moments Kylo gently picked you up, carrying you to the bathroom so you could both clean up. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Woo! Please let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Hold Me*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=35f6ae48266f489c<br/>Song: https:https://open.spotify.com/track/1u6GCyU5atrzrAqwC55og1?si=cb6b81297d2f47c1<br/>Filth and more filth with some sweetness I suppose</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things were steamy in the shower, and not just from the hot water. You could not believe you just had sex with Kylo Ren. You could not believe you were now naked in the shower with him. And you could not believe how incredibly <em> horny </em> you still were despite the slight soreness.</p><p>You had thought that finally having sex with Kylo and getting to see him would scratch the itch that had consumed you for the past few weeks, would douse the fire he had set inside of you. But it turned out that getting to truly be with him was simply more kindling.</p><p>Feeling bold you grabbed the soap and began to lather it on his chest, keeping eye contact as your hands drifted further and further down. “Still not satisfied, pet?”</p><p>Your hands finally reached his cock, “I don’t think I will ever be satisfied after that.” He hardened at your touch, “and from the feel of it, neither are you.”</p><p>He moaned as you pumped him, and you decided it was time to take it up a notch. Moving to your knees, you quipped, “I think there’s a part of you that needs extra cleaning, Commander.”</p><p>Kylo chuckled, amused at your pitiful attempt at being seductive, “oh really, darling? What did you have in mind?”</p><p>Glowing you took him into your mouth, eager to please him. He had never called you <em> darling</em>.</p><p>You bobbed your head on his dick, feeling proud as he elicited a moan. You started to move more, taking him deeper down your throat. You hummed happily as he played with your hair while you worked.</p><p>“I’d like for you to always be like this, on your knees submitting to me. You look so perfect.”</p><p>You looked up at him, making eye contact.</p><p>That caused him to begin moving your head and start fucking your mouth. “Yes little one, just look at yourself, in your Commander’s shower with his dick in your mouth minutes after it being the first one to ever fuck you. You just can’t get enough of this cock can you? You want to be fucked again already?” </p><p>You moaned around his length, choking on him. <em> Yes, please take me again. I need you, I want you</em>.</p><p>Hearing your thoughts he pulled out of your mouth. “Put your hands down, ass up.”</p><p>You followed what he said eagerly, the tile biting into your hands and knees.</p><p>Without any warning he plunged into you, pulling your hair back as he took you from behind.</p><p>“Kylo!” you squealed, unprepared for him to start fucking you so roughly.</p><p>“No more gentle fucking Y/N, it’s about me now. But knowing what a whore you are you might get lucky and enjoy it too.”</p><p>Warm water poured onto your face, obstructing your view. Deciding to close your eyes you let the pain turn to pleasure as he began roughly slapping your ass on top of the hair pulling and hard thrusting. </p><p>Against your better judgement you found you <em> did </em> want this. You did want to be a “fucktoy” a “plaything.” You elicited a moan almost against your will, <em>why do I like this? What’s wrong with me? </em></p><p>“All that’s wrong with you is that you’re a filthy slut. I knew you would like it, you wretched girl.”</p><p><em> So much for darling</em>. You couldn’t speak with the water flowing over your face, which abruptly stopped as Kylo instructed you, “please yourself with this.”</p><p>He handed you the showerhead, and you obeyed. The overwhelming sensations of everything caused your body to go limp, held up only by Kylo pulling your hair back. You moaned wantonly as wave after wave of an orgasm flew over you. You didn’t know when one started and one ended. </p><p>Before you had time to register it, he lifted you up and forced his cock into your mouth, filling it with cum instantly.</p><p>“Swallow, bitch,” he ordered. You complied, swallowing every last drop. Completely drained he helped you up before pulling you close against him. You smiled into his chest, satisfied and content. The two of you stayed like that for a few moments in warm silence.</p><p>He finally turned off the water and wrapped you in a fluffy towel.</p><p>Shrieking with delight he scooped you up, towel and all, to plop you on his bed. You couldn’t stop stupidly smiling at him, and suddenly his demeanor changed from light to extremely dark.</p><p>“Well Y/N I think it is past time that you go.”</p><p><em> No way, not tonight</em>. <em> He is not kicking me out like I didn’t just let him take my virginity. </em> You stood up from the bed and looked him in the dead in the eyes before pulling off your towel and dropping it to the ground.</p><p>He gulped, taking in your naked body. You loved that even after seeing you naked moments before you still had that effect on him. Walking to the side of the bed you got in and promptly snuggled into the sheets. </p><p>“Y/N what are you—”</p><p>“Shh, just stop thinking. I’m naked and in your bed. Don’t ruin this.”</p><p>“But—” he started to protest but you cut him off again.</p><p>“Kylo just let me have this, let <em> yourself </em> have this. Come hold me, just for tonight.”</p><p>You watched his internal battle flicker across his face. Finally he turned off the light and joined you.</p><p>After a few moments of him just laying there you gently guided him, “hold me Kylo.”</p><p>You felt him shift before his strong arms wrapped around you. Sighing blissfully you snuggled in closer, enjoying the warmth and safety of your Commander. You felt him tense and you whispered, “just relax Kylo, enjoy just <em> being</em>.”</p><p>Eventually, you felt him loosen and begin to breathe slowly. He cuddled you close and you smiled into the dark before drifting off, tranquil in his arms.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Insatiable*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/5ACLhZ2tV7NT18Eyct5sMP?si=3f8189339f88455f</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You woke up slightly confused to why you weren’t in your own bed. Last night’s event came flooding back to you and you smiled, stretching in contentment. Your smile quickly turned to a frown when you realized you were all alone. You sighed, <em> I suppose it would have been too much to expect him to stay long enough for me to wake-up next to him</em>. </p><p>Nevertheless, with no one there to make you leave you snuggled in, inhaling his intoxicating scent which clung to the sheets. A distinct scent of cinnamon, but also notes of leather and smoldering embers. Underneath it all you caught a whiff of something comforting and sweet, but couldn’t quite detect what it was. All together it was addictive. You had never remembered enjoying the smell of someone so much before. <em> How strange</em>. </p><p>A few minutes had passed of this before Kylo emerged in the door frames, dressed for the day minus his mask. You couldn’t help grinning stupidly at his appearance, feeling slightly giddy.</p><p>“I believe it is time for you to go,” he said coolly.</p><p>You silently obeyed, knowing you had already pushed your luck. You hurriedly dressed, your face flushing as you took note of Kylo leaning leisurely against the door, observing with eyes full of hunger.</p><p>Ready to go, he followed as you walked to the door. Thankfully it was still early, meaning you could sneak back to your room pretty easily. </p><p>Before you left you gave him a final glance, butterflies fluttering in your stomach.</p><p>He stared back at you, “this will not happen again.”</p><p>“I know,” you whispered and with a burst of courage you stood on your tiptoes to give him a final peck on the lips.</p><p>Enjoying and capitalizing on his look of surprise you ran out before he could chastise you. <em> I don’t want to hear it! </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>You practically skipped back to your room, on cloud nine. For just one second you tried not to be practical and instead let yourself be carefree and enjoy the feeling. </p><p>Realistically, this could not work. <em> The only way this could end is in heartbreak, most likely for me and not for him</em>.</p><p>You shook your head, trying to shut down those thoughts. You did not want to listen to your brain or heart at the moment, so you decided to instead listen to another valuable body part. Currently it felt sore but satisfyingly so. <em> Damn, last night was hot, I will not regret my first time being with my Commander. However I don’t know if anyone else could ever compare now. </em></p><p>You had reached your room and flopped into your bed, Sienna was still fast asleep. </p><p><em> Too bad Kylo wouldn’t let me stay this morning—I could go for another round</em>. That thought made you blush, which was silly because it’s not like anyone could hear you...right?</p><p>You supposed your thoughts were not quite your own anymore, but you were not really sure how that worked with Kylo. <em> Can he always read my thoughts? Does it have a distance limit? Does he have to be trying? </em></p><p>
  <em> Can he hear me...right now? </em>
</p><p>You decided to test it out. <em> Kylo? Commander? </em></p><p>That made you giggle, besides, how could he even respond?</p><p>Satisfied with his radio silence you let your thoughts drift once again to sex. It was strange because typically you rarely had dirty thoughts, but it was like they were backlogged before and now were spamming you.</p><p>There was no way you were falling asleep before work today. Especially when you were this revved up and sexually charged.</p><p>Shedding your clothes you laid back down and let your hands drift over your naked body. You closed your eyes and tried to imagine they were someone else’s hands, someone’s <em> much </em> larger and more experienced hands.</p><p>Imagination quickly took over and you secretly hoped Kylo could hear you, the idea of teasing him in this way turned you on even more. </p><p><em> Oh Kylo, I wish you were here so you could touch me in the way that I need</em>. You tried desperately to visualize his face, those amber eyes that set you ablaze, moving your hands down to your mound. You hissed as you gently stroked your clit, <em> Kylo that feels so good, but it would be even better if these fingers were yours</em>.</p><p>You began to gradually increase your pace, climbing towards orgasm. You didn’t bother with any fingering, knowing after experiencing Kylo’s your own fingers would be like trying to go back to fake sugar when you had tasted the real stuff. Torturous and wholly unsatisfying. </p><p>
  <em> Kylo I am going to cum, I am almost there! </em>
</p><p>Kylo’s voice then came into your head clear as day and sensual as velvet—<em> naughty little one. You are insatiable.  </em></p><p>You pulled your hand away as if you’d been burned. <em> Kylo! You can hear me! </em></p><p>His smirk translated into his voice, <em> you are rather incessant it seems.  </em></p><p>Absentmindedly you began to swirl your finger on your clit again.</p><p>Kylo’s voice filled your mind again, <em> tell me. </em></p><p>
  <em> Tell you what? </em>
</p><p>His light laughter filled your brain and you flushed. </p><p>
  <em> What are you doing little one? Describe it to me. </em>
</p><p>Your blush deepened, <em> I’m—I’m touching myself. </em></p><p>
  <em> Are you nice and wet? </em>
</p><p>You slipped a finger inside yourself before responding, <em>I’m</em> <em>dripping.</em></p><p>
  <em> Filthy girl, I wish I was there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Mm what would you do if you were here? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> First I would put my lips on your beautiful breasts and suck on them until they were nice and perked for me. </em>
</p><p>You squirmed, allowing your fingers to roam to your sensitive nipples. <em> And then? </em></p><p>
  <em> Once you were wriggling underneath me I would make you beg for it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oh Kylo. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Do you want to touch your poor pussy? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yes! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Beg then. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Please Kylo, please I need it! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Go ahead, little one. </em>
</p><p>You whined as your hand once again made contact with your swollen nub, body taut with need. </p><p>
  <em> Tell me how it feels. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It feels good… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But it’s not enough. What would you do next? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I’d get my mouth on that sweet pussy and feast. Fuck, you taste so good. </em>
</p><p>You moved to fucking yourself with two fingers, other hand continuing to tease your breast, <em> would you finger me? </em></p><p>
  <em> I’d fill you up.  </em>
</p><p><em> Not enough, </em> you whined, orgasm fast approaching, <em> need you! </em></p><p><em> I think it would do you some good to practice patience today. You may not cum without my permission</em>.</p><p>Your heart stuttered, <em> what does that mean? </em></p><p>
  <em> No cumming for you. Not until I can be the cause of it myself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But Kylo I— </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Be a good girl and do as I say. I will make it worth it for you. </em>
</p><p>That made you shiver, but it was going to be extremely difficult, currently you were on the brink and the thought of not finishing was punishment in and of itself.</p><p>
  <em> What happens if I don’t agree? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You will be punished. </em>
</p><p>You smiled wickedly to yourself, <em> what if I want that? </em></p><p>He didn’t respond.</p><p>
  
</p><p>You were well engrossed in your work later that day when Kylo’s silky voice took over your mind yet again, <em> you will meet me in my quarters at seven this Friday</em>. <em> You will </em> <b> <em>not</em> </b> <em> cum before that time</em>. <em> Be a good girl for me Y/N. </em></p><p>You grinned before responding, <em> as you wish, Commander</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Quick and Dirty*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=e675c10630b14670<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/04KTF78FFg8sOHC1BADqbY?si=6786cef4ce664ff9</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A couple days passed, a couple of torturous, horny days. Just like most things, the second you are told you can not have something you want it even <em> more </em>. </p><p>Luckily this week was proving to be very busy, you tried not to pay much attention to the ins-and-outs of the First Order, preferring to keep your head down and just do your job. However, you were responsible for responding to messages and taking calls. You had gleaned from that that the Resistance was gaining traction, and there were plans in the works to strike back. </p><p>You were not one to question the ethics of either side.</p><p>That being said, lots of people onboard were on a quick-fuse. Tensions were high, and everyone was feeding off of the anxious energy that seemed to be swirling around.</p><p>You were kept occupied in your office, desperately trying to keep up with the flood of messages, all labeled “urgent.” A creak notified you that the door had been opened but you didn't bother to look up, expecting Sienna. </p><p>Only when you heard the unmistakable sound of the lock did you check to see who was there.</p><p>“Oh!” Your jaw dropped slightly at the sight of Kylo once again garbed in his full glory. His presence was so...commanding.</p><p>“I only have a few minutes.” His hand quickly released his helmet and you gaped in awe as he shook out his hair. <em> Why is he so hot, it isn’t fair</em>.</p><p>Smirking, he laid his helmet on your desk with a resounding thunk. Still, you sat paralyzed in your chair, surprised at his sudden intrusion. You yelped when he grabbed you by your shoulders, yanking you up and crushing his mouth to yours. Quickly your body began to respond, pent up as it was.</p><p>Your hands began roaming until you were able to wrap your hands into his hair, pulling him closer. He growled and pushed you onto your desk roughly.</p><p>“What is this?” He hissed in frustration, hands on your thighs.</p><p>“Um...they’re pants?” </p><p>He frowned, “get rid of all of these, I only want you wearing skirts and dresses from now on. Preferably in white.”</p><p>“Kylo, I am not getting rid of my pants. And I don’t have the funds to just frivolously buy dresses and skirts just for you!”</p><p>“Fine, don’t get rid of them, just stop wearing them. Don’t concern yourself with the cost, I will cover it,” he stated as if that was a trivial offer to make.</p><p>“Kylo I can’t possibly—”</p><p>“I want you to be accessible to me at all times. Whenever and wherever I please. This will make it easier for me.”</p><p>You didn’t know how to respond to that. It was definitely turn-on to feel so wanted, but you also had a lot of questions. It was obvious that he liked you in white, whether that was because it represented innocence or just was the complete opposite of his love of black you didn’t know. But you decided to keep your mouth shut, by now you had come to realize that certain times were better than others when broaching personal questions with Kylo.</p><p>He shook his head, his eyes still wild with pure lust, “Fuck Y/N you don’t know what you do to me. You drive me wild.” Quickly he spun you around so that your head was now facing him, he began to undo his pants enough to reveal his very hard member. “Luckily I haven’t made any promises, only you can’t cum. I suppose you will just have to continue with your lesson in patience.”</p><p>He pulled you closer, so that your head hung off the desk, “open your mouth slut.”</p><p>It was all happening so fast, reflexively you obeyed and abruptly were choking on his dick. This time was definitely not about your pleasure, you were simply a vessel providing a service. </p><p>He moaned as he fucked your mouth harshly, “what a little cumslut. So filthy letting her boss use her on her very own desk. Would you just look at yourself?”</p><p>Of course that was a moot point, you could not even if you wanted to. All you could see was the happy trail leading to Kylo’s dick through tear-filled eyes. This was going to be quick and dirty. You were just along for the ride.</p><p>To your horror you felt a fire begin to lick at your core, and wetness start to coat your underwear. Kylo had awakened something in you, something dark and sinister, but you couldn’t convince yourself that you should be afraid, even as he gagged you on his cock.</p><p>“That’s my good girl, get ready to swallow.” You desperately tried to gulp it all down before he flipped you over and gave you three hard slaps on your ass causing you to shriek in surprise. </p><p>Then he readjusted himself, replacing his helmet upon his head. “I will see you on Friday Y/N, I expect my request for your wardrobe to be followed by then.”</p><p>He left and you buried your head in your hands. Your body was on fire, your throat ached from the rough treatment while your pussy was screaming, desperate. <em> How can I possibly wait until Friday? </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Caveat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/7pVsiUizQkLhEXcC6UArpC?si=8b4751bd8ded401b<br/>I don't know if anyone is listening to these, but it makes me happy anyways :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Even though you were eager for Friday night, as it creeped closer and closer the feeling of guilt began to overwhelm you.</p><p>It wasn’t like you owed Carlos and Sienna a description of every detail of your life but big things were happening for you and it felt wrong to not involve them. Not only that, but you could feel the worry oozing out of them. They did their best to respect your boundaries, and you could not be annoyed with them for caring about you. The only question was <em> how </em> to tell them without <em> telling </em> them.</p><p>On Thursday during work you let them both know you needed to chat after you got off.</p><p>That was hours ago, now you were all on the couch eating dinner chatting about frivolous things as you tried not to let your anxiety show.</p><p>“Huh?” You asked, vaguely registering your name.</p><p>“I asked what this is about?” Sienna replied, her and Carlos both fixing you with concerned and questioning stares.</p><p>You absentmindedly pulled at a loose thread on your sleeve, gathering your thoughts before letting out a sigh, “I have some big news, but there is sort of a caveat.”</p><p>Carlos and Sienna exchanged a glance, “what sort of caveat?” Carlos asked.</p><p>You bit your lip, “it has to do with that guy I have been talking about...I just still can’t tell you who it is.”</p><p>Both focused their attention on you eagerly, prompting you to continue. “Well...we had sex. And have done some other...um...sexual things? And well I guess we are kind of in a relationship of sorts?”</p><p>You watched them try to reel in their emotions before speaking. “What kind of relationship, exactly Y/N?” Sienna asked gently.</p><p>You couldn’t look them in the eyes, “I don’t really know...obviously a sexual one. But, well I know it sounds silly, but I just feel a connection. But really it just has to stay sexual, which I am ok with.”</p><p>In tandem they raised their eyebrows. You sighed, “ok, I <em> think </em> I am ok with. Pretty sure.”</p><p>“Y/N, we love you but that is an insane amount of red flags,” Sienna stated.</p><p>“And extremely worrisome!” Carlos said.</p><p>You nodded in agreement, “I know it is, I do. It’s not like me at all and it is probably a really bad idea.” You took a breath to resolve yourself, “but I am liking being a bit unlike myself right now, and that’s why I am telling you guys. I feel like I can trust you more than I can trust myself, and you both have much more experience when it comes to these things.”</p><p>They both seemed at a loss on how to respond so you kept talking, hoping to get them to see where you were coming from. “It may seem crazy, but I am feeling really happy and excited—even if it is foolishly so,” you released another sigh, “even if it is definitely foolishly so.” You squeezed your eyes shut, “just please help me navigate this, I can’t do it alone.”</p><p>You peaked your eyes open and studied your friends’ faces, Carlos seemed at a loss while Sienna looked slightly...perturbed? <em> Not good</em>.</p><p>Carlos sighed, “ok, so you have obviously had sex at this point and I assume that isn’t what you are curious about.”</p><p>You shook your head, “Sienna please talk to me, I can tell you are upset.”</p><p>She huffed before speaking, words rushing out, “I am not upset Y/N, I am frustrated that you didn’t tell me sooner. I am concerned you are going to get yourself hurt. I am excited that you are happy. I am ecstatic that you are getting some....<em> finally</em>.” You smiled as she continued, “I know you are competent and I trust you and your judgement, I do. But you also see the best in people, what they <em> could </em> be with some love and support versus what they <em> are</em>. It is one of your best qualities, but I am worried it can be weaponized and used against you if you aren’t wary.”</p><p>There wasn’t an adequate response to that so you instead moved couches so you could wrap your arms around Sienna and cuddle her. </p><p>After a bit you finally gathered your thoughts, “I will be wary, and I won’t hide this from you anymore. Promise.”</p><p>“Well whoever he is he seems to have you enchanted, so that begs the question—just how big <em> is </em> he?” Carlos stated bluntly, causing you all to burst into childish giggles.</p><p>“Carlos, you wouldn’t <em> believe </em> me if I told you.” </p><p>That set off another round of laughter.</p><p>Finally you all caught your breath.</p><p>“So what kind of questions do you have for us?” Carlos inquired.</p><p>It was a question you had attempted to tackle for the whole week. “Well, he doesn’t really express a lot of emotions. And I would like to simply get to know him better, you know, beyond physically, but I don’t know how to do that with him.”</p><p>“Hm,” Sienna hummed, “what kind of man are we dealing with here?”</p><p>“I guess sort of a tortured soul, alpha male kind?”</p><p>“Dominating?” Carlos asked.</p><p>You blushed furiously, “you could say that.”</p><p>“Ooo, kinky. Nice,” Carlos grinned.</p><p>“I know the type,” Sienna said, “and I know exactly how to deal with them. The key is to act like they’re in control but in reality—you are. They just can’t know that. It has to be subtle.”</p><p>“Subtle?”</p><p>“Definitely or else it won’t work. It mustn't appear calculated, just innocent. It’s best to catch them off guard. Do something unexpected that drives them wild enough that they can’t help but listen to you.”</p><p>Carlos nodded, “she is right.”</p><p>“Like I am ever wrong?” Sienna retorted.</p><p>“Do either of you have an example?”</p><p>“Simple,” Carlos replied, “men like that want you to be submissive, they want to feel in control and like caretakers as well. Do something dumb like drop something and crawl to get it. Eat something vaguely phallic in a sly, seductive way. Trip and fall! Anything that seems perfectly harmless and coincidental, not intentional, should do the trick. All of the sudden you have their guard down and their focus solely on you. That’s when you talk.”</p><p>“I think I can do that, I am—” you bit your lip, “well I am seeing him tomorrow night.”</p><p>Sienna had finally let her excitement trump her worry, she squealed, back to her bubbly self. “Yes! Our little Y/N finally breaking loose! I thought we would never see the day!”</p><p>Carlos chuckled, “I am still uncertain this is real. Could be a prank.”</p><p>“You did want to have sex with him, right?” Sienna questioned, worry once again lacing her voice.</p><p>“Yes! Very much so,” you assured her.</p><p>Sienna gave you a loving squeeze, “you know I am all for having as much or little sex with whomever you want, I just wanted to make sure that you have no ulterior motives when it comes to having sex with this <em> particular </em> guy.” </p><p>You winced, bracing yourself for the inevitable lecture.</p><p>“Contrary to popular belief women don’t have magical pussies that can fix men,” Sienna stated.</p><p>Carlos fixed you with a withering look, “you know that though by now, I am sure.”</p><p>“Yes,” you squeaked out.</p><p>Carlos giggled, “very convincing.”</p><p>“I will keep it in mind! Gosh you two make up for my parents insufficiencies by leaps and bounds,” you whined.</p><p>“Well maybe if you didn’t act like such a <em> teenager</em>,” Sienna smiled.</p><p>You stuck out your tongue subconsciously, doing nothing to contradict her point.</p><p>“Next thing we know you will accuse us of ‘ruining your life,’” Carlos chuckled out.</p><p>“That remains to be seen,” you smiled and shook your head. “On that note friends I think I need to get some rest...I am not planning to tomorrow!” You flushed as Carlos and Sienna doubled over in laughter. </p><p>Telling them was the right thing to do. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always I am open to feedback of any kind! I love seeing comments :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Feed Me Then Fuck Me*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=f1396e3b332f48dc<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1ExN8iVQIqf0LUb2F151wo?si=66acfe40760141ca<br/>Hopefully this makes your Monday a little better!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On Friday work was even more insanely busy than the rest of the week had been, to the point where you headed from work straight to Kylo’s chamber.</p><p>Before you went you gave a quick glance into a reflective window, suddenly overwhelmingly nervous again. Image blurred, you tried to smooth down your hair and wrinkled dress to no avail. You let out a sigh—<em> oh well</em>. <em> This is it Y/N, remember what Sienna and Carlos said. I am in control. I can do this</em>.</p><p>Again, Kylo’s doors opened for you, as if they could sense your presence, and you entered into the silence, heart racing.</p><p>Before you could register what was happening, he was on you, mouth crushing yours as he pinned you against the wall. He was acting like a man starved, which made you feel validated. You weren’t the only one desperate for this.</p><p>As he attacked you with kisses you began to feel very woozy, so you turned your face to the side to catch your breath, leaving your neck exposed.</p><p>Electrified, he nipped at your ear before trailing more kisses down, stopping at your neck to take your delicate flesh into his mouth, sure to leave a mark.</p><p>He caught you as you fell forward into his arms, “Y/N? What is wrong?”</p><p>You smiled at his concern, “sorry I just came for work and I haven’t eaten dinner yet so I am a bit dizzy.” Then you realized this was a perfect “subtle” situation. “I don’t think my body can handle any vigorous activity on an empty stomach.” You tried to flutter your eyelashes innocently up at him, still entrapped in his strong arms, “will you feed me then fuck me?”</p><p>Tenderly he tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, “I will order something, can’t have you pass out without me being the cause.”</p><p>You giggled, “that would be a shame.”</p><p>Righting you, he went to go order the food through his comm, while you took a seat at the table.</p><p>Almost immediately the food arrived and was placed before you. Sniffing, you delighted in the delicious smells. Now this was service. Food was one of the most direct ways to your heart, and it was clear Kylo had a very refined palate. Your inner hopeless romantic was fighting to come out and you tried uselessly to squander it. There was no room for those kinds of feelings when it came to Kylo Ren. </p><p>Kylo poured a glass of some red wine for both of you before taking a seat. Starving, you dove into the food.</p><p>“I expect a thank you Y/N. Or do I have to teach you some manners?”</p><p>Instead of thanking him you got up from your seat. Holding his eye contact you unzipped and slinked out of your white dress, revealing a modest matching set of lacy, white underwear. </p><p>Continuing your stare into his eyes you reveled in the look of lust he swept over you, drinking you in, his amber eyes turning molten.</p><p>You let him gaze salaciously at you for a moment before sitting and resuming your eating. “So, Commander, how has your week been?”</p><p>His eyes narrowed, “why are you asking?”</p><p>“Just making conversation!”</p><p>He sipped his drink, fixing you with an intense stare. You let the tension build while you ate, waiting to speak.</p><p>You rose an eyebrow, “well if you are not going to answer aren’t you going to ask me how my week was?”</p><p>He pursed his lips.</p><p>“<em>Aren’t </em> you?”</p><p>You smiled as he let out a sigh. “How was your week, little one?”</p><p>“My week was crazy. Super busy, I have been barely able to catch my breath. Everyone seems so tense!” You grinned, leaning back and crossing your arms, “ok your turn now!”</p><p>“Y/N?” Kylo asked darkly.</p><p>“Yes?” You squeaked, feeling like you were in trouble.</p><p>“Be a good girl and shut up and eat.”</p><p>Feeling bold and <em> not </em> liking being told to shut up, you dipped your spoon into some sort of white chowder he had ordered for you. “What if I,” you raised the spoon to your mouth, purposefully sucking off the chowder suggestively, “just like to,” you swirled your tongue along the tip of the spoon, watching his movements closely, “<em>savor </em> my meal?”</p><p>You barely finished what you were saying because he had moved incredibly fast, pulling you out of your chair. “That’s enough food, it’s time for me to eat now,” he growled, sending shivers straight to your core.</p><p>You shrieked and flailed as he hauled you over his shoulder, taking you to his bedroom before tossing you on the bed.</p><p>“You want to be a little tease do you?”</p><p>You shook your head as he worked to disrobe, his body looming over the bed. </p><p>“It didn’t seem like a ‘no,’ you petulant girl. Don’t lie to me.”</p><p>You audibly gasped as you took him in again, as thrilled as the first time, taking a moment to fully appreciate this work-of-art of a man. It was like he was carved or divinely designed. For some reason you had a strange desire to lick his abs, so you decided to not question it. </p><p>He smirked at you, allowing you to crawl towards him before running your tongue from the base of his cock to his bellybutton.</p><p>Suavely he undid your bra, releasing your aching breasts, before yanking your hair to force you to look up at him. “My poor slutty pet, you have been so good this week. I think you might deserve a reward.”</p><p>You nodded rapidly, his hands still wrapped in your hair.</p><p>“Please sir, I have been a good girl.”</p><p>He smiled wickedly, “tell me what you want.”</p><p>You gulped, “I want you to do anything Kylo, <em> anything</em>, I just need you to satisfy me.”</p><p>“Anything?”</p><p>You nodded again, desperate, “please Commander I am here for you, I only crave you. Just make me cum!”</p><p>He pushed you back onto the bed, giving your poor weeping pussy a quick smack before ripping your underwear off. “Pitiful little one, dripping already. Open your mouth.”</p><p>Obeying, he forced your underwear into your mouth, you found that he wasn’t lying, you were soaked.</p><p>On a clear mission, he ran his hands down your body, fondling your breasts before diving into your waiting slit. You shuddered, already feeling your long awaited orgasm building. In paradise, you pushed him into you, holding onto his hair for dear life.</p><p>“Yes Kylo, yes! Please don’t stop!” You cried out wantonly, voice muffled by your underwear. </p><p>In the midst of your impending orgasm, he lifted you off the bed and stood all the way up, holding you to his face by supporting your thighs. Legs thrown over his shoulders you screamed and moaned as he attacked your cunt like an animal.</p><p>The novelty and slight fear of the situation sent you going at full-speed to orgasm. “Kylo, KYLO, yes yes YES. I am going to cum!” You felt your body tense before finally having that sweet release, but Kylo didn’t let up for one second.</p><p>Practically twitching he laid you back on the bed. He looked wild, lust clouding his eyes and your juices glazing his face. “I missed that delicious cunt of yours, little one.”</p><p>Your pussy was still throbbing. “<em>More</em>,” you rasped out, voice thick with need.</p><p>He rubbed his dick along your slit, making you mewl. “Don’t fret, we are far from done.” At that he plunged into you, immediately setting a fast pace. You let out a yelp as he pistoned in and out of you. “Kylo!”</p><p>“That’s it baby girl, I know what you need.”</p><p>“Yes Kylo please fuck me harder!”</p><p>He obliged and you moaned as he had his way with you. “You’re so <em> tight</em>, it’s like you were made for me. You love this cock.”</p><p>You couldn’t disagree. “Say it Y/N. Tell me you love this cock.”</p><p>“I love your cock Kylo!” You screamed, pleasure taking over as you approached orgasm number two.</p><p>“Yes cum on my cock, who does this pussy belong to?”</p><p>“Yours! Yours! Kylo I am going to cum!” Your body shook as the orgasm ripped through you, and you fought to stay in your body, the pleasure intense.</p><p>He stopped long enough to flip you over onto your stomach. Shoving your face into the mattress, he took you from behind. Immobilizing you, he placed his knees on the outside of your legs, bent his calves inward, and used his feet to spread your legs apart, his weight keeping you trapped.</p><p>In this way he was in complete control. You were sensitive after two sequential orgasms, pussy overworked. “Kylo I can’t!” You screeched, face pushed into the sheets.</p><p>“You can and you will.”</p><p>“It is too much I think you need to stop!” Panic began to take over you. You couldn't take any more, could you?</p><p>He began to move faster, “be a good girl for me Y/N, relax and take it. You <em> will </em> cum for me again.”</p><p>You tried to wiggle your way out, overwhelmed, but he had you completely pinned. Just when it became truly too much you felt a force working on your clit which drew out a guttural moan from you.</p><p>“That’s it my greedy slut. Do you want me to fuck you harder?”</p><p>You whimpered in pleasure and dismay that you <em> did </em> really want that still, somehow. “Yes Kylo please!”</p><p>You protested as he stopped his movement. “Kylo! Fuck me right fucking now I <em> need </em>you to fuck me!”</p><p>Thankfully he obliged, pounding you relentlessly, “that’s my little one, listen to yourself, I have absolutely <em> ruined </em>you. I own this cunt,” he moaned.</p><p>“Yes Commander, ruin me! I want to be yours!”</p><p>“Then cum for me.” </p><p>This time you did leave your body, blacking out, only vaguely aware of the sensation of Kylo cumming into you, which only caused your pleasure to heighten. </p><p>You sighed in contentment as he pulled out and held you close. Exhausted you limply laid on his chest, allowing him to support you. </p><p>Gently he stroked your hair, “that’s my good girl.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Conditions to Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6AeQlMyRzvSl1nkFztZyKl?si=7c889d6c930c4177</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once you had regained the ability to move and think, you went to the bathroom to wash up. When you finished you noticed one of Kylo’s black t-shirts crumpled haphazardly on the floor. Sienna’s words about subtlety rang in the back of your mind. This would appear perfectly innocent, and, when it came to Kylo, there wasn’t room for much overthinking or hesitation. You had willingly thrown yourself into the mouth of the beast, it was either think fast or be devoured. But you could not deny that it felt good being wild and spontaneous, losing control, the complete opposite of your day-to-day life. So before you could change your mind you toweled off and slipped on his shirt. His smell clung to the fabric and enveloped you. You breathed it in, spicy cinnamon, earthy leather, and smoky embers. And then there was that warm, divine, honeyed undertone. It reminded you of home, not your childhood one or one you had ever lived in, but the one you wanted and often dreamt about.</p><p>Proudly you checked yourself out in the mirror—it was ideal. The shirt made you appear small and helpless, paired with the damp hair you had a feeling this would feed right into Kylo’s possessive nature in the best way.</p><p>You walked out and relished the expression of bewilderment in Kylo’s eyes, he seemed unable to form a coherent thought so you continued on, pretending to be none the wiser.</p><p>He was lying on his bed so you crawled up next to him to rest your head on his chest. Sighing happily you began to lazily draw patterns on his bare skin. </p><p>“Y/N what do you think you are doing?”</p><p>“I’m enjoying myself.” You looked up to find him cocking one eyebrow at you curiously. “I am enjoying myself…” you brought your lips to his skin, lightly pecking kisses along his chest, “by enjoying you.”</p><p>You felt him tense beneath you and dared a small smile. You tried to keep your thoughts blank and continued to push your luck. This was definitely working!</p><p>“So Kylo, tell me about yourself.” Immediately you felt his energy begin to close off so you quickly backpedaled. </p><p>“Fine I will start,” you continued to caress him gently, keeping your eyes on your hand for courage. “I grew up in the First Order. This is all I have ever known. My parents were ok, I guess. They provided food and shelter and occasionally love, but it only was given as a reward—never freely. I suppose that is why I am the way I am, always striving to do more and be better. Sienna and Carlos always say I am too uptight and I should just relax a little...they are probably right. But it is all I know how to do. If I don’t work hard then what do I have to offer? I guess I just worry that if I am not providing something, if I am not productive, that I have nothing of worth—that I will never be enough just as I am.” You began to choke up, realizing that the hurt that you tried to ignore was still deeply rooted in you. Your voice broke as you whispered, “there are always conditions to love.”</p><p>The silence filled the room and you curled inward on yourself, hating the feeling of vulnerability, it made you feel too exposed. </p><p>Kylo broke the silence, “how’d you meet your friends?” You shivered as he started to play with your hair, causing you to relax again.</p><p>“They kind of found me actually, they were a duo beforehand. I was the kind of kid who did my assignments instead of playing, didn’t talk much to anyone. All I wanted—all I still want if I am honest with myself—is approval. I could attain that in school by being the best in my class. One day Sienna and Carlos approached me and invited me to play. I didn’t know how to respond so they instead sat with me and worked on their own assignments, laughing and chatting with each other. After weeks of this I eventually laughed at one of Carlos’ jokes and the rest is history. I still don’t know what compelled them, but I owe them so much.” Talking about your friends made you happy. <em> They really are the best. </em></p><p>“I understand what you mean.” Kylo’s voice surprised you. He sounded quieter and more unguarded than you had ever heard him speak. “I understand that, there always being conditions—wanting to be the best and gain approval.” </p><p>You couldn't help it, he pulled on your heartstrings, he sounded so <em> sad</em>. You hated when people were hurting, it made you physically hurt too. You wanted to take away his pain, and so you gently held his head, pressing your lips to his brow tenderly, his eyes clouding with too many emotions to name. </p><p>You returned to his chest, nestling in, “can I ask you a question?”</p><p>“Do I have a choice in the matter?”</p><p>You stuck out your tongue before once again turning somber, “have you ever slept with Sienna?”</p><p>“Your friend?”</p><p>“Yes, my friend, you must know who I am talking about?”</p><p>He furrowed his eyebrows.</p><p>“You know, dark-skin, tight curls?”</p><p>His eyebrows deepened in confusion.</p><p>You rolled your eyes, “amazing ass?”</p><p>His eyes finally widened with recognition, and you stifled a laugh. Sienna would love that her differentiator was her ass.</p><p>“No I don’t believe I have, why?”</p><p>“I just assumed being that you’ve slept with so many people...”</p><p>“Have I now?</p><p>“Yes you have.”</p><p>He chuckled, “you certainly think highly of me.”</p><p>“Of course Commander, hold you in the highest esteem.”</p><p>“Evidently,” he dead-panned. “So you assume because of this that I would have slept with Sienna?”</p><p>“Yes,” you mumbled.</p><p>“And why is that?”</p><p>“Um maybe because she’s easily the hottest person aboard the base? Debatably in the entire galaxy?”</p><p>He cocked an eyebrow at you, “she is?”</p><p>You nodded fervently.</p><p>“And why is that?”</p><p>“Have you seen her?”</p><p>“Her looks? Is that all?”</p><p>“Well, and, there’s—“ you sputtered. In truth it was everything that Sienna was that made her so stunning.</p><p>“Seems my little one is a tad insecure.”</p><p>“I just worry that...well that certain parts of me are...” you winced.</p><p>“They are perfect.”</p><p>“You don’t even know what parts I am referring to.”</p><p>“Little one, your body is just a vessel—although it is nevertheless a beautiful one—there is no part of you that is too much or too little to my liking. There couldn’t be, because you are you. And I like you.”</p><p>“But don’t you think, I don’t know I always thought that my breasts—“</p><p>“Are wondrous.”</p><p>“But my stomach—”</p><p>“Ideal.”</p><p>“And my butt—”</p><p>“Only improved by my handprints all over it.”</p><p>“I just fear that—”</p><p>He moved so he could take your hands into his, “my darling, you are what and who I want. The worth of you cannot be measured or weighed. All this is—” he ran his hands along your body with an affectionate touch, “is just a home for who you are. And that is what matters to me.”</p><p>Your eyes filled, lip quivering with the sincerity of his words, “truly?”</p><p>“Truly. As beautiful as she may be, I don’t want Sienna, I never will. I want you.”</p><p>Knowing your time and his patience were most likely running out, you decided to take your leave. You wanted to maintain control, it would hurt less that way. Besides, you had more than achieved your goal. “I guess I should probably be going…” You left the bed, picking up your clothes, fully intent on keeping his t-shirt. </p><p>“I want you to sleep here from now on.” His voice had gone back to normal, all the gentleness from before disappeared—turning once again cold and commanding.</p><p>“I’m sorry, what? Are you...are you asking me to move-in with you?” You sputtered in disbelief, completely caught off-guard.</p><p>“I want access to you at all times, this will make it easier.”</p><p>“Kylo, that is a big step...I don’t know.” You said hesitantly, still not sure if this was a trick. It would do no good to get hopeful. Hope led to hurt.</p><p>“It’s trivial, you can sleep in the other bedroom, that way I can have easy access.”</p><p>His flippant attitude caused your eyes to narrow, “easy access?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“You mean so that I can be your personal fucktoy, something to use at your leisure and forget about until it's <em> convenient</em>?”</p><p>“That is one way to put it.”</p><p>“Kylo you realize how fucked up that sounds? I am a human being, not just an object for your pleasure!”</p><p>“I thought my intentions about this arrangement were clear.”</p><p>You sputtered, furious, “they were! They are! But I can’t even sleep in your bed with you? You can kiss me and have sex with me but what physically <em>sleeping </em> together is what...too—too <em> intimate</em>?”</p><p>“These are my conditions.”</p><p>“Well then no, I won’t ‘move-in’ with you. Thank you so very much <em> Commander</em>.” You were seething, <em> how </em> <b> <em>dare</em> </b> <em> he</em>.</p><p>“Ah I see the issue.”</p><p>“Please enlighten me oh mighty one,” you said through gritted teeth.</p><p>“My little one has developed <em> feelings</em>. How pathetic.”</p><p>That set you off. “How dare you! How <em> dare </em> you Kylo.” You stomped up to him shoving your finger into his chest. “You do <em> not </em> get to call me pathetic for having feelings, you do not get to belittle me. I am so sorry that you think it is so utterly <em> repulsive </em> that someone could actually <em> care </em> for you. But that’s not my problem, that’s <em> yours</em>! So don’t act like I am the crazy one here.”</p><p>“I am simply calling it as I see it.”</p><p>“What happened to you ‘<em>liking’ </em>me?”</p><p>“How tragic, I may have overestimated you.”</p><p>You felt your throat begin to constrict as tears welled up. He <em> knew </em> that failure was your crutch and he threw it back in your face with seemingly no regard. Letting the tears flow freely you choked out, “you’re just lashing out because—well because...you just can’t stand to be vulnerable and you don’t know how to react, that’s why you’re saying these ridiculous, hurtful things.” You tried miserably to rationalize his cruel behavior.</p><p>At these words he seemed to deflate. Tears and snot running down your face you appeared woeful dressed only in his t-shirt, hair still slightly damp. </p><p>“I—” he moved towards you but you shook your head vigorously. Not wanting to expose yourself to more pain you took off, running once again back to your quarters. </p><p>You opened Sienna’s door, waking up from the noise she asked groggily “Y/N?”</p><p>Not trusting yourself to speak you collapsed into her bed sobbing. Blessedly she asked no questions, instead, she scooped you into her arms tenderly, and in the dark and quiet you cried yourself to sleep on her chest.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. No Expectations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=78521276bbea40ac<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/7KkENQzyZNyvJnvV3xvG3N?si=90032082104343de</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The weekend passed in a blur. You mainly stayed in bed and cried while Sienna and Carlos cuddled you and turned on various movies for you. On Monday you woke up startled, it was <em> way </em> after you were supposed to be at work. You found a note by your nightstand from Sienna, letting you know she turned off your alarm and to take the day off. You figured this was probably for the best, considering you were still an absolute mess and even the thought of seeing Kylo or hearing his voice while working made your stomach turn and eyes well-up with tears. </p><p>Fortunately, today you were feeling more numb and detached from everything versus raw and exposed. Mindlessly you watched more movies, cancelling out the world, barely paying attention to anything.</p><p>A knock on the door brought you back to reality. <em> Who could that be</em>? Even though you haven't changed or showered in three days you trudged to the door.</p><p>Opening the door, you were surprised to find Anik standing there, soup in hand. “Y/N! I heard you weren't feeling well so I brought this for you. I know how much you love food so…” he grinned, “I thought I would bring you some!”</p><p>This simple, kind gesture made you smile for the first time in days, and it felt good. It felt <em> really </em> good, like sunshine breaking through dark clouds.</p><p>“Anik, that is so sweet and thoughtful!”</p><p>“It was no problem really…”</p><p>You found all of the sudden you were desperately craving company, the thought of once again being left alone terrifying. “Do you want to come in? I am not sick or anything, swear.”</p><p>“That’d be great, if you’re up for it. I don’t want to encroach.”</p><p>“Nonsense! Please come in, I could use a friend.”</p><p>You led him to the couch and you both sat down. Tucking your legs under yourself you prepared to dig in. Just the smell of it made your stomach growl ravenously. <em> I can’t remember when I ate last… </em></p><p>“Are you ok Y/N? I can’t recall you ever taking a day off—it worried me.”</p><p>You looked at him, his brown eyes reminded you of a steaming cup of coffee, and they were full of concern, concern for <em> you</em>.</p><p>You sighed, “it is a little hard to fully explain. Well not hard, just hard for me to talk about right now. I just got hurt by someone—emotionally—and am trying to process and figure some stuff out.”</p><p>“Would you like to talk about it?” He asked gently.</p><p>“I...I do,” you gave a small frown, “but I also don’t if that makes any sense.”</p><p>“It makes perfect sense to me!”</p><p>“Sorry I am no fun right now.”</p><p>“That’s alright, we can talk when you’re ready. I am a pretty good listener.”</p><p>“That means a lot, seriously.”</p><p>“Want to maybe take a walk?”</p><p>You pondered for a second, “actually that does sound really nice. Can you give me a few minutes to make myself somewhat presentable?”</p><p>“Take as much time as you need!”</p><p>
  
</p><p>Going for a walk was the right decision, you reflected as you and Anik chatted. It was helping your mind clear and helping you sort out your emotions.</p><p>Slowly the light left the sky, twinkling stars being revealed. You shivered, the temperature quickly plummeting on the snowy planet.</p><p>Anik immediately shrugged off his jacket, holding it out to you, “here.”</p><p>“Oh no I couldn’t—”</p><p>“I insist, I am not going to just let you freeze.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Just take it, I run warm.”</p><p>Finally you gave in, grateful to wrap yourself in something warm and soft.</p><p>“What do you say? Have we done enough walking? Shall we sit for a bit?” Anik inquired.</p><p>Nodding in agreement, the both of you plopped to the floor.</p><p>You sighed happily, it was the perfect place to look out at the stars.</p><p>“Y/N?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I know that this might not be the right time...but do you think there could be an us...like more than this, ever?” He looked so hopeful and nervous.</p><p>A part of you knew this was coming, he wasn’t really hiding his feelings. You had just hoped to avoid this conversation for a bit longer.</p><p>You massaged at your temples, “listen Anik...I like you, I really do. But I am kind of going through some stuff right now and can’t offer anything beyond friendship...I am sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear.” You frowned, not daring to look at him in those lovely, warm eyes.</p><p>“Y/N, I don’t expect anything from you. I like you, and would like to get to know you better. I liked that day at the market—it was fun. I liked being with you today too. Of course I also think you're insanely cute, but we can just hangout. No expectations.”</p><p>You smiled, “no expectations?”</p><p>“No expectations,” he confirmed and you breathed a sigh of relief.</p><p>You gently laid your head on his shoulder, finally breaking the awkward tension and distance between you two. “Anik?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“You’re a good guy, you know that?”</p><p>“You’re not half-bad yourself I guess.”</p><p>That made you giggle, and finally a course of action became clear to you.</p><p>
  
</p><p>You knew that you couldn’t just call it quits so easily with Kylo. If you could you would have thrown yourself wholeheartedly into Anik’s arms. But you needed clarity, you needed <em> answers</em>. You could not keep running away every time your feelings were hurt. You needed to actually have a real conversation and express yourself. And if it did come down to this being the end of whatever pseudo-relationship you and Kylo had you most <em> definitely </em> needed better closure.</p><p>Late that night you snuck out to Kylo’s quarters, adrenaline pumping. Frustratingly, the doors didn’t open for you this time. Stubborn as you were, you resigned yourself to sitting outside his doors until he let you in. At some point you must have fallen asleep so when you felt Kylo scoop you into his arms you let him bring you to bed and tuck you in, much too drowsy to protest. As you slipped back into a deep sleep you heard the faintest whisper, “sweet dreams, little one.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Renegotiating the Terms</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/26wLOs3ZuHJa2Ihhx6QIE6?si=5c92de601ea14a7b</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You woke up feeling deeply content—that is until everything came flooding back. You had fallen asleep outside Kylo Ren’s door and now you were in his bed and in his shirt. Well, not exactly his bed. <em> This must be the other bedroom he referred to</em>. Just like his own room it was devoid of color and decor. However, this room had a fresh bouquet of white flowers on the dresser. This sight alone made your heart swell with confusing emotions ranging from wildly happy to furiously angry. Throwing the covers off you marched to the kitchen, prepared to go to battle. Instead you were thrown off by the sight of Kylo Ren <em> cooking</em>. Making breakfast (a delicious breakfast if the smell was any indication) and looking devastatingly handsome and domestic. Seeing him like this you were able to appreciate him in his natural state, which appeared to be heart-wrenchingly soft and warm. </p><p>Fighting off the urge to wrap your arms around him you instead wrapped them around yourself, trying to hold yourself together. Clearing your throat, he flinched, startled. <em> Interesting, he usually is much more aware of my presence</em>. </p><p>Kylo looked at you and swallowed, “I am somewhat distracted.”</p><p>You were determined to hold onto your anger, even when his stare made your knees weak. You opened your mouth to begin speaking but he beat you to it, “Y/N, sit down. You need to eat.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Eat first, talk after. I know you haven’t been eating.”</p><p>You decided to pick your battles, and this wasn’t the one you were here for. Plus you were genuinely hungry. Perturbed you stalked to the table, slouching in your seat, arms still crossed. You slightly perked when he put a very full plate of food in front of you, but quickly grew annoyed again when he sat across from you.</p><p>You decided to focus on your food, savoring the taste and imagining what it would have been like to wake up to this situation under different circumstances. Bliss.</p><p>Both of you ate in silence, when you were finished he cleared your plates. You waited for him to finish cleaning them before he sat back down and fixed you with a stare. “So…” you started.</p><p>“I know what I did was wrong.” </p><p>You opened your mouth and closed it a couple of times. Reclining in your chair you waved your hand, “elaborate.”</p><p>You saw him swallow thickly again, <em> is he nervous</em>? It seemed he chose to ignore hearing that thought because he continued on, “I let things get out of control. I promised you one thing and gave you another, and then lashed out when you developed feelings I did nothing to quell.”</p><p>You blinked slowly, processing his words. “But I did develop feelings, and Kylo...so did you.”</p><p>He raised his voice slightly, “no.” </p><p>You shook your head at his blatant denial. “So where does that leave us?”</p><p>“Obviously this has to end. Permanently. For your own sake.”</p><p>“<em>Obviously? </em>Kylo, I am a big girl. I can make my own choices, thank you very much.”</p><p>“You deserve better than this...than <em> me</em>.”</p><p>“Excuse me? You do not get to decide what I do and do not deserve. That is <em> my </em> choice.”</p><p>“You...want to continue this arrangement?”</p><p>You bit your lip, somehow you still did want to continue this, needed to see where it went. But you also had to protect yourself too, and two could play the denial game. You looked up into Kylo’s amber eyes, they were revealing more emotion than he had ever previously shown, and it looked like he was genuinely distraught. Against your better judgment, you nodded.</p><p>Relief washed over him, “do you accept my apology? Do you—do you forgive me?” He whispered the last part, his words coming out breathy and rushed.</p><p>You crossed your arms yet again, “hmm, that’s a good question Kylo. What do you think?</p><p>“I—“</p><p>You cut him off, still angry, “sure I accept your apology but you are far from forgiven. Words are nice and all but I need to see it in your actions.”</p><p>“How can I show you?”</p><p>You were surprised he was even letting you talk back to him this much. “I want time!” </p><p>He cocked his head, “time?”</p><p>You blushed, “yes, time. Together. Without having any...um...sexual contact.”</p><p>“What would we do then?”</p><p>You scoffed, shaking your head, “normal things like talk and eat. Maybe watch movies. Possibly cuddle?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>You raised an eyebrow, “no?”</p><p>“That does not fit into our agreement, you’re to be my personal fucktoy. A vessel for my pleasure.” His voice had gone back to his usual confident and cocky tone.</p><p>“Well I am renegotiating the terms. And I would argue that heightened emotional intimacy leads to greater physical intimacy...so it does add to your pleasure Commander.”</p><p>He went silent, pondering, “And if I refuse?”</p><p>“You can of course...but then you’re also choosing to lose me.”</p><p>“I can easily find a willing hole to fuck.”</p><p>“Oh I know that,” you rose from your chair slowly, making sure his eyes were on you, “and I am sure I can find a willing dick to fuck.” Still in his shirt you sauntered over to him, relishing that he nervously gulped when you came closer, you leaned next to his ear and whispered, “but you know and I know that you want it to be <em> me </em> and <em> only </em> me. Don’t pretend.”</p><p>“I should haul your ass over my lap for that sort of commentary.”</p><p>“I bet you’d like that…” you stroked his cheek tenderly, “such a pity you can’t. But...if you just agree to my terms then this ass is yours once again.”</p><p>You could see his resolve wavering, but he was stubborn. “No. Absolutely not.”</p><p>You shrugged, backing away. “Your choice! Guess I will get dressed and leave then.” Boldly, in the middle of his kitchen you stripped off his shirt, tossing it at him before heading to the bedroom. It took about five seconds for you to be abruptly thrown over Kylo’s shoulder as he growled “fine,” and rapidly turned to take you to his bedroom instead. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope everyone has a great weekend! And yay for more smut to come! ;p<br/>Let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Use Your Nice Words*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=f83b55b84c024c75<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/56cswAa9WdFBsjsTyPBAKA?si=e9c3d379890d4f00</p><p>I think these two chapters might be my favorites, we finally are making emotional progress yay!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As turned on as you were the logical part of you screamed that having sex right now would not be the wisest move. You both had just had a big breakthrough after all.</p><p>He threw you onto the mattress haphazardly, “hey Kylo we should definitely not have sex right now.”</p><p>He didn’t respond, instead choosing to sit on the end of the bed. Roughly he grabbed you and made good on his threat to haul your ass over his lap. “Kylo!” You protested even as you felt your body betray you, “this will just further complicate things.”</p><p>“We don’t <em> need </em> to have sex. You <em> do </em> need to be punished. Running your little whore mouth like you are the one in charge here.”</p><p>You shrieked as he landed a hard slap on your bare ass.</p><p>“Count.”</p><p>He had only gotten to three when you felt your resolve begin to crumble. Roughly he pushed you off of him. You were surprised at the small number of spanks you had received. <em> Honestly that felt more like a reward than a punishment</em>.</p><p>“Don’t test me little one, that was just a taste of what I have in mind to make you repent for your bratty behavior.” </p><p>You smiled at him sheepishly, heart racing in anticipation. </p><p>“Lay on the bed, spread eagle for me,” he ordered.</p><p>Scrambling into position you obeyed. He pounced, quickly roping your wrists and ankles to the bed posts with deft hands. He stood back, looming over you, eyes grazing over your body. You had never felt so exposed or so admired. </p><p>A couple minutes passed with only the sounds of your breath indicating the passage of time. Still he looked on at you, “you look exquisite.”</p><p>You wiggled at his compliment, thrilled. “What now, Commander?” You questioned, voice wavering with excited apprehension.</p><p>His eyes darkened, “now begins your real punishment.” </p><p>You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion as you watched him reach to his side to unsheathe his lightsaber. <em> Maybe he is just putting it away for safe-keeping? </em></p><p>He laughed wickedly, “oh sweet thing I forget how innocent you are. Now hold still.”</p><p>Nerves began to rise as he placed the hilt directly on your clit, the cold drawing out a yelp from you.</p><p>He placed a hand on your thigh, “you are going to be a good girl for me, right little one?”</p><p>You nodded enthusiastically. At this point you were so wrapped around his finger that he could ask you of anything and you’d go willingly wherever he took you—you were just glad that he didn’t seem to have realized that yet.</p><p>Luckily Kylo had a hand on you because when he turned on his lightsaber you reflexively flinched, pulling at the ropes. He barely prevented you from burning your inner thighs on the plasma energy that jutted out from both sides of the saber. “<em>Kylo!</em>” You whined, trying not to tremble and wishing you could grab onto him for support. </p><p>“Just breathe, I got you.” </p><p>You tried to follow his advice. The fear and shock faded into pleasure as the lightsaber’s hilt crackled against your most sensitive parts, sending delicious vibrations throughout your body. You felt your orgasm begin to climb, but Kylo must have sensed this too because he pulled away right before your climax. You pouted like a toddler who has had its toy taken away, lower-lip pushed out in annoyance. </p><p>“You like that you naughty girl?”</p><p>You glared at him. </p><p>“I would suggest using your words if you want something from me, Y/N.”</p><p>You rolled your eyes and he took you off-guard when he placed the handle back on your hypersensitive nub. Again your pleasure began to skyrocket. You moaned out, quickly you were ready, once again, to cum. You cried out and Kylo pulled away yet again.</p><p>You whined, a sound you hadn’t made since you were a young child. Honestly, you were ready to throw a full toddler-esque tantrum if you did not get your release soon.</p><p>“Such a greedy slut. What makes you think you deserve to cum after you have been nothing but an ungrateful bitch? You better fix your attitude and use your nice words if you want something from me. I can do this as long as necessary.”</p><p>You knew he wasn’t lying but you were feeling spiteful and would <em> not </em> give in. Instead of answering you simply turned your head to the side and huffed. Back again the lightsaber went, but this time Kylo also pushed a finger into you. You moaned out as he began fingerfucking you, soon adding a second and third finger. </p><p>“Your body betrays you little one, just give in and I might give you what you need.”</p><p>You couldn’t help yourself, you began thrashing, the lightsaber lightly singing your thighs, causing you to shriek in pain and twisted pleasure. </p><p>“Just give in to me, I know you want to.”</p><p>Suddenly he ceased all contact and you began to shed real tears of desperation.</p><p>“<em>Beg</em>.”</p><p>“Kylo, I can’t wait please fuck me!” You cried wantonly, throwing all logic and spite to the wind. You pulled against the ropes in anguish. “Please Commander I will be a good girl, I am a good girl please, <em> please </em> just take me, I need you to fuck me.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“I am sorry for being a bad girl. I will listen better if you just fuck me now.”</p><p>He wasted no time sinking his full length into you. You moaned as he growled “god I missed you.”</p><p>You delighted in his remark. In his current state he seemed to forget to hide his true emotions. He began to move, wasting no time speeding up, taking your hard and fast, just like you needed.</p><p>He let out a groan and you strained against the ropes, “see what happens when you use your words like a good little slut?”</p><p>“Yes Kylo, yes.” You bucked against him as he groped your breasts, adding to your pleasure.</p><p>You felt so close to cumming but weren’t getting all the way there. In your sex-hazed state you yowled, “Kylo, your lightsaber, use the lightsaber <em> now</em>!”</p><p>Smile full of sin, he wasted no time in placing the hilt back on your clit and activating it. “Kylo!” You screamed out as the sides singed you yet again, pushing you over the peak. Your body was overtaken as you came, and soon after you felt Kylo finish in you as well. Carefully he removed the lightsaber, turning it off before falling onto you. </p><p>You sighed in contentment. Finally Kylo undid the ropes, gently massaging each joint after release. You smiled as he laid back down and pulled you close, kissing your forehead. </p><p>Realizing it was way past your start time you commented nonchalantly, “guess I am missing another day of work…”</p><p>“Don’t worry, your boss has approved the time off.”</p><p>You giggled and snuggled in close, feeling safe in his arms once again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And yes that is an intentional nod to Fix Your Attitude :P<br/>Which you should 100% read if you haven't yet!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Fever Dream</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/2Y36tgwhi4gykzF0jXwYH2?si=4ae6ae2b2e2c4afd</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time passed like this for the next couple of weeks. Lots of mind-blowing sex but also some time together that was simply friendly.</p><p>It became typical for you to come from work on Fridays to eat dinner with Kylo, who turned out to be a talented cook. He seemed to pick up on your adventurous and refined palate and you appreciated that he spoiled you with good food. It was nice, it was comfortable. Sometimes you could even delude yourself into thinking it was a real relationship. </p><p>Your routine broke however on one eventful Friday.</p><p><em> I need to talk to you</em>.</p><p>Minutes later he burst into the storage room where you were meticulously organizing new supplies. “What is wrong?”</p><p>You flinched, “nothing is wrong, I just can’t come tonight, or this weekend.” You tried to say it callously, but you imagined if you could see his face that confusion would be written all over it.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because I have plans,” you shrugged, turning away from him so you could continue working on placing the items.</p><p>He grabbed your outstretched wrist and quickly released it, as if scalded. You cast your eyes down, caught.</p><p>He ripped off a glove and cupped your face before putting the back of his palm to your forehead, “little one, you are burning up! Why are you working?”</p><p>You shook your head, “never mind that, I am fine. But that is why I can’t come over.”</p><p>“You are absolutely coming over, in fact I demand that you go lay down right now.”</p><p>Probably a wise idea, but you did not like his tone. “You don’t demand me of anything, and no, I am not going.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>You scrunched your face, rolling your eyes at him, “I can’t have sex, ok?”</p><p>He let out a scoff, “don’t be ridiculous.”</p><p>You put your hands on your hips, “I am not going to have sex.”</p><p>He let out a sigh, “darling, I am not a complete sadist. I know that.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Is Sienna going to take care of you? Or Carlos?”</p><p>You shook your head, “don’t want to bother them.” In fact, you hadn’t told them, hiding it well. Sienna had a date this weekend and she was actually <em> nervous</em>. You would not burden them.</p><p>He gave another sigh, “stubborn girl. Now go to my room and sleep.”</p><p>“No! I am working.”</p><p>“You are sick!”</p><p>“I am fine!”</p><p>“That is an order Y/N.”</p><p>“Too bad, you aren’t the—”</p><p>“Boss of you?”</p><p>“I—” </p><p>“You should know under this mask I am raising an eyebrow right now.”</p><p>You were about to yell but he must have seen it because his voice dropped to a hush, pleading, “please little one. You need to rest.”</p><p>You clenched your teeth, “but—”</p><p>“<em>Please</em>.”</p><p>“Fine,” you sighed, giving in.</p><p>“Fine?”</p><p>“Yes, fine. I am going.”</p><p>“Do you...do you need help getting there?”</p><p>You gave him a pointed look.</p><p>“I got it, leaving now. But I will check on you soon.”</p><p>Obediently you left work and headed to his room. You were still conflicted with being ordered to do so, but a part of you was swooning. He cared. Not only did he care, but he was <em> worried</em>. </p><p>Immediately you stripped out of your sweat-soaked clothes. Shivers raced down your spine. <em> Shoot, I am sicker than I realized</em>. Delirium started to set-in without the distraction of work. Carelessly you rifled through Kylo’s closet, sighing happily when your hand reached one of his ostentatious cowls. You giggled, ripping it out and cocooning yourself in the swathes of black fabric. Thoroughly content, you bundled yourself further by snuggling under his sheets, letting his scent surround you, settling into your soul like a balm.</p><p>
  
</p><p>He woke you with a kiss to your sweaty brow. </p><p>You felt like you were set on fire yet also left out in the snow. </p><p>A flash of pain crossed Kylo’s face as he took in your pitiful state, uncontrollable shivers wracked your body and your hair was plastered to your face.</p><p>“Hey little one, I would ask how you are feeling but I think I can tell.”</p><p>You let out a sharp laugh, sanity lost. “What time is it?”</p><p>“Sometime after midnight, I had to work late...if you feel like eating I made some soup for you.”</p><p>You couldn’t help it, you stared at him, trying to deduce if this was a fever dream. And then suddenly you were crying, big, gasping, snotty sobs.</p><p>“Hey, hey,” he cooed, “it’s ok I am here, you are ok.”</p><p>You wailed, you were in pain and confused, and he was being so sweet, and your body could not mentally, physically, and emotionally handle it all.</p><p>“Let’s get you out of all these layers and into a bath.” He raised an eyebrow upon discovering your use of his clothes but thankfully kept his mouth shut, peeling his cowl off of your clammy skin and casting it aside.</p><p>You went limp in his arms, still whimpering as he carried you to the bath. </p><p>“This might be unpleasant, but it will help.”</p><p>You were too tired to fight, but still let out a yelp as cold water hit you, restarting your wailing.</p><p>Kylo simply gently rubbed your back as the water filled, waiting for you to calm. “I need to get ice now Y/N, are you going to be alright here?”</p><p>You sniffled, giving a weak nod.</p><p>Soon ice joined the tub. Kylo sat beside you, spoon feeding you soup. You smiled stupidly at him, too exhausted to care about how you appeared. He gave a small smile back, shaking his head at you.</p><p>
  
</p><p>The whole weekend he doted on you, checking your temperature hourly, spoon feeding you and forcing fluids down your throat. Placing fresh cold washcloths on your head. It was a blur for you, time spent mostly sleeping, but whenever you managed to open your eyes he was there. Through it all he was there.</p><p>And then as quick as it came it was gone, in the wee hours of Sunday morning your fever broke. You woke up sweating and feeling much, much better. And again, he was there, head finally clear, you took note of how haggard he looked. “Have you been sleeping?”</p><p>He let out a relieved chuckle, quickly taking your temperature to check. He let out a shaky breath before pulling you in close.</p><p>“Can I ask you about something?”</p><p>He grinned, “barely a minute of being somewhat well and your mind is already whirring. What is it?”</p><p>“You know I’m not really any of those things right?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Any of those things you call me. I’m not...I’m not a slut.”</p><p>“This is what is weighing on you right now?”</p><p>“It has been...I just...I don’t know. I just need to know right now that you know—ok? I am not a slut.”</p><p>“You certainly are for me.”</p><p>He must have sensed your discomfort for he softened his voice to speak again, “little one, of course I know you’re not a slut, or a cocktease, or a whore—not that it’d matter if you were. But you are to me, I like that you are to me, do you understand?”</p><p>You nodded.</p><p>“But I can use different words if you don’t like them.”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>He lifted an eyebrow. “No?” He lifted your chin, huskily he murmured “you like being a little cocktease don’t you? Like belonging to me—perfect little fucktoy.”</p><p>You keeled over in laughter, “wow and for a second here I thought you were nursing me back to health because you <em> cared</em>.”</p><p>“I do care!”</p><p>“‘My perfect little fucktoy?” You let out another giggle.</p><p>“You’re my perfect...um...you’re my perfect…”</p><p>You narrowed your eyebrows.</p><p>“Just...you are perfect.”</p><p>Your eyes widened and he fidgeted. “I...I didn’t mean—” he sputtered.</p><p>Sick no more you decided to shut him up with your lips.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Aw I love soft boys. Let me know what you think of doting Kylo in the comments:D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Seducing Your Boss*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=cf8a022321f44867<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/3mRLHiSHYtC8Hk7bzZdUs1?si=c7fbbafa1acf4ab6</p><p>I had to do it, those hands are just too scrumptious not to</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your thoughts were on Kylo as you returned to the storage room. All your new sexual escapades meant that you were often left horny at inopportune times. In a lust-driven haze, it slipped your mind that Kylo could hear you until he gruffly pulled you into the storage room, locking the door behind you.</p><p>“Kylo!” You squeaked as he hastily removed his helmet before pushing you against a wall, hands immediately exploring your body as his lips caught yours.</p><p>His mouth moved urgently to your bare neck, suckling on your flesh to mark you.</p><p>“This fucking dress, do you even know what you do to me?” He breathed into your skin.</p><p>You let out a whimper. </p><p>“You have to be silent, little one, can you do that for me?”</p><p>You nodded fervently, eager to have him and eager to please.</p><p>“Spread your legs baby.”</p><p>As soon as you obeyed he pulled your panties aside with a possessive growl.</p><p>He rubbed your sensitive nub, his body pinning you to the wall. You realized with a start that he had neglected to remove his gloves, and you arched at the new sensation. “Fuck little one, that’s it.”</p><p>He easily slid a finger into you, clamping his other hand over your mouth as you let out a wanton moan, the smell of leather filling your nose. His mouth continued to latch onto your delicate skin, the dress leaving your clavicle vulnerable to his devouring. “You are so wet for me my naughty girl,” he whispered against your skin.</p><p>You whined into his gloved hand as another finger entered you. </p><p>“I could hear all those dirty thoughts you were having, little slut, turning me on while I am trying to work.”</p><p>He began to move into you faster, adding a third finger. </p><p>“Are you going to cum for me little one?”</p><p>You nodded, eyes wide as you chased your release.</p><p>“What a bad girl, seducing your boss. Prancing around in this dress like a little tease, making everyone on this base want what’s mine.”</p><p>You started hyperventilating, his salacious words upping your pleasure.</p><p>“Such a whore, turning me on like that. Interrupting my work.”</p><p>On the edge, a phantom hand started rubbing your clit.</p><p>“And now you are going to cum on your Commander’s fingers—during work hours no less.”</p><p>That pushed you over, causing you to clench on his leather-clad fingers. He removed his hand slowly while you slumped against the wall, eyes-closed.</p><p>“Open your mouth little one.”</p><p>Not bothering to open your eyes you dropped your jaw. Instantly his fingers were in your mouth, the taste of you meshing with the earthy leather.</p><p>“Good girl, are you ready to be fucked now?”</p><p>“Yes Kylo.”</p><p>“Ask me nicely.”</p><p>You pouted, “please Kylo, please fuck me.”</p><p>He grinned before quickly adjusting himself so that his cock sprung free. In the clarity of the afterglow you observed that, aside from his helmet, both of your clothes remained on. Somehow it aroused you even more.</p><p>He lifted your leg, holding you open for him. Without being asked you pulled your panties to the side, allowing him to bump against your clit. You mewled, his free hand abruptly silenced you.</p><p>“You going to be good for me and keep quiet?”</p><p>You didn’t have time to answer as he pushed into you, filling you inch-by-inch, stretching you until you wailed. You were glad for the glove, it was impossible to be silent when being impaled by your Commander.</p><p>He nestled his head by your ear, “good?” Kylo moved his hand so you could respond, cradling your chin so you could gaze into his burning eyes.</p><p>“Yes Kylo, I’m good.” You breathed. “You can move now.”</p><p>Permission granted, he rutted into you, palm swallowing your yelp at the sudden change of pace.</p><p>His hot breath tickled your ear, “such a good girl. My perfect girl.”</p><p>You moaned, delighting at his praise.</p><p>“Taking my cock so well, hot little cocksleeve. Sweet little slut.”</p><p>His words were driving you wild, as you ground your hips into him in order to meet his thrusts. Again you found yourself on the precipice.</p><p>The door knob jiggled and you both froze.</p><p>“Y/N are you in there?”</p><p>“Shit it’s Sienna,” you mumbled into his glove.</p><p>“Why is the door locked?” Sienna shook at the knob again.</p><p>Seemingly unbothered at the prospect of being caught in such a compromising position, Kylo resumed his thrusting.</p><p>“<em>Kylo</em>,” you hissed against his hand, giving him a frantic look of warning. He ignored it, instead beginning to work your clit, pulling from you a muffled cry.</p><p>“Oh my gosh Y/N are you...are you fucking mystery man in there right now?” Sienna asked, shock lacing her voice.</p><p>Kylo increased the pace and your face heated knowing that the cause of the noises of your bodies slamming together was evident to anyone who could hear it.</p><p>“Fuck yes!” Sienna squealed, “that is so hot! Get it girl! Ok I’m leaving now, be safe you two sluts!”</p><p>Kylo let out a groan, “did you like that naughty girl? Do you want to get caught?”</p><p>You shook your head, but your pussy clenched around him, betraying your inner desires.</p><p>He gave a wicked grin, “you do, don’t you? Like the idea of Sienna finding out what a little slut her best friend is? Want her to know you whore yourself out for your boss?”</p><p>Your eyes widened and you let out a scream at his debauchery, his cock hitting your g-spot roughly.</p><p>He shoved the side of his palm into your mouth, “bite down little one, can’t have everyone on board knowing the delicious sounds you make.”</p><p>You bit hard, tampering another scream. The taste of leather burst on your tongue, pungent and ashy.</p><p>“Cum on my cock little one, I want to feel you come undone.”</p><p>You released a final scream, clamping down on Kylo and sinking your teeth into his glove. At your tightening you felt his release inside you.</p><p>Wound up and overwhelmed, tears fell silently down your face. Languidly Kylo removed himself, letting cum drip down your thigh. He tenderly kissed the tears from your face. “Good?”</p><p>You nodded, choking out a half laugh, half sob. “That was certainly something. I don’t think I have quite returned to my body yet.”</p><p>He tucked a stray lock of hair behind your ear, with a soft smile, “you look like a mess.”</p><p>“Hey!” You playfully hit him.</p><p>“A very hot mess, but a mess nevertheless.”</p><p>You pushed a finger into his chest, “because of you I am going to have to wear turtlenecks for the next week.”</p><p>“Don’t want everyone to know what a slut you are?”</p><p>You rolled your eyes with a smile, “that’s only for you to know.”</p><p>He captured your lips in a swift kiss, “that’s exactly right, little one.” He moved to put on his helmet, “I want you to keep my cum inside of you the rest of the day.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“You <em> will </em> keep my cum inside your for the rest of the day.”</p><p>You shivered pleasantly at his husky, authoritative voice. “Yes Commander.”</p><p>“Good girl,” you flushed as he put a wet glove tenderly on your cheek, thumbing your puckered mouth, “best girl.”</p><p>It was going to be a very long day.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Your Turn to Beg</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/5Qsp8mtshe70DX7EYbWZGo?si=cf89ab62b1c64ab2</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had hoped that Kylo would open up at least a little bit after that feverish weekend, or at least after being forced to spend time together, but he still was reluctant to say much, letting you do the talking instead. In fact, it was as if it had barely happened. Did he truly say you were <em> perfect</em>? You couldn’t be sure if it was real or a leftover memory fueled by your diseased delirium. Each week that passed it got harder to be sure.</p><p>Although you wished he would share about his life too, you enjoyed venting to him. He actively listened to you ramble about every topic, even caring about your mundane work life, expressing that it was interesting because it was something you were passionate about. That made your heart swell.</p><p>After dinner he obliged in cuddling and watching shows or playing games. You would sleep over, though never in his bed, and then for the rest of the weekend he could be his dominant, angsty, sexy self.</p><p>Even though he didn’t talk much, you picked up pieces of information about who he was. Like in any game, you’d play as the white pieces and him the black. Every time. Always light and dark. Innocent versus corrupted. You gleaned that this was his worldview, and in a twisted way he saw you and himself represented this way. It made you sad that he could not seem to see the gray, or any other colors for that matter.</p><p>During the weekdays you scarcely saw each other, but this arrangement was proving to work very well for both of you.</p><p>One Friday night Kylo had extra work to do so you went into the other bedroom to read, leaving him to focus. After a bit you got bored so you decided to walk around. Kylo’s quarters were huge, being the Commander, but you had barely seen the place.</p><p>It was lovely, very refined, but so barren and stale. <em> Doesn’t he have any special possessions he would care to display? </em></p><p>This question was answered as you stumbled upon a sterile room, rather empty except for a podium holding something on it in an almost shrine-like way. The room felt eerily cold, but curiosity overcame you and you were inexplicably drawn closer to the object. Soon you were right in front of it, trying to make it out. It looked almost like a helmet, albeit a very melted and deformed one. Something about it felt weirdly familiar, like you had seen it before. You gasped as it dawned on you, this mask was infamous. <em> No it can’t be, how did it get here? Why does Kylo have it? This makes no sense! </em> </p><p>You reached out to touch it, utterly enthralled at being so close to a part of history. You had barely laid a finger on it before Kylo roared behind you, and the Force sent you flying, throwing you across the room.</p><p>You had never seen him this angry before, his eyes had gone completely dark, the man you had grown to care for nowhere to be found. </p><p>“You insolent, petulant <em> child</em>,” his voice low and dangerous. </p><p>His voice <em> scared </em> you. Tears began to prick the back of your eyes. None of this made sense. “Kylo,” you begged, still on the floor, “what’s going on? Why are you mad at me? Why do you have Darth Vader’s helmet? I’m so confused.” You rose to your feet, and tried to slowly approach him as one would a hurt animal, for that was how he appeared to you. He looked wild—dark, angry energy seeping out of him.</p><p>You got close enough to go in for a hug. Before you could reach him you saw stars and pain bloomed red-hot in your cheek. <em> Did he just... </em> <b> <em>hit</em> </b> <em> me? </em>In shock you gently cupped your smarting face. Kylo stood there, looking perplexed himself as if he did not seem to know what happened either. However bewilderment quickly turned to fury.</p><p>“Absolutely not Kylo!” You seethed. “You do <em> not </em> get to put a hand on me like that. I don’t care who you are. I am not one of your Resistance prisoners or someone who just gets in your way. I am...well I don’t really know what I am to you but I’m not nobody! You don’t have to explain why you have this to me. Of course I’m curious, but your business is yours. It does <em> not </em> give you the right to hurt me. Get angry, whatever. Slice some things and throw a hissy fit. But I will not tolerate abuse because you can’t handle your emotions. Do I make myself clear?”</p><p>He stared down at his hands, “I am a monster,” he whispered so dejectedly your heart felt like it would shatter.</p><p>“No, <em> no </em> you are <em> not</em>. You are human Kylo. You were mad, and upset. You reacted rashly, but I am ok, promise.”</p><p>He shook his head, “I am weak and broken and a <em> monster</em>.” </p><p>You winced, it hurt to hear him talk about himself like this. “I don’t see you like that...I think, well I think you are <em> wonderful </em> and strong and kind and—”</p><p>His breath caught slightly, “you are a naïve and foolish girl if you believe that.”</p><p>You felt him pulling away from you, slipping through your fingers. “Kylo, please don’t do this again,” you implored, distraught.</p><p>“You have too many feelings.”</p><p>“<em>I have too many feelings? </em> Not this bullshit again. You know what Kylo? I am sorry, I’m sorry that I care about you. But you know what I think?” You walked over to him and embraced him, nestling in his chest. He instinctively held you close and you whispered, “I think that you care about me and you are afraid of what that means. I think it is you who has <em> ‘too many feelings</em>’ and you are too <em> afraid </em> and too much of a <em> coward </em> to let me in.” You pushed away from him, looking up into his beautiful eyes your heart swelled at what you were about to do. Although he would never admit it, he was vulnerable and you knew you had to hurt him. “I will make this easier for you, I am leaving. You don’t have to concern yourself with my precious ‘feelings’ any longer. You have made it crystal clear that anything I may have felt for you was misguided and laughably misplaced. Don’t expect me to come back. It is your turn to beg, Commander.”</p><p>With that you promptly walked out the door, leaving him speechless. It was his turn to be left confused.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry to leave it like this :(<br/>Seeing your comments makes me smile! As always feel free to let me know what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Are You Jealous?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=8e1d1d4dd0794665<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6bqMJNzgbE1dAAH8Sokt49?si=100929cdb4c3498f<br/>I love this song haha. Sorry we are going to live a little in angst/sadness for a bit. But don't worry, it doesn't last too too long.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A month passed without Kylo contacting you. Most of that time was pleasant and uneventful, you got to spend time with Sienna and Carlos and even occasionally Anik, who blended in easily with the established friend group. As you got to know each other better you stayed up later and later, chatting with one another until the wee hours of the morning.</p><p>Anik was considerate and being with him felt easy and natural. Although you didn’t believe in the notion of a “spark,” for fear creates a similar bodily reaction as lust, you still wanted to feel <em> something</em>, and with Anik you felt...nothing. </p><p>You made it clear that you still were not ready for anything more than friendship, and he was perfectly respectful about it. Somewhat selfishly, you had started asking him to stay with you long after Sienna and Carlos went to bed, even letting him cuddle you. It was comforting, even though you knew it was not fair to treat him this way. But he kept the feelings of sadness and doubt at bay. You couldn’t stand being alone in the dark with your thoughts anymore, waiting for the light to come so the distraction of day could take your mind off of Kylo. Heartache plagued you and although you knew what you did was the right thing, you certainly had expected Kylo to come pining after you much sooner. And he hadn't. And you didn’t know if he ever would.</p><p>“Hey sleepy heads, it’s time to get up!” </p><p>You rubbed your eyes groggily, taking in your surroundings. Sienna was standing over you incredulously. <em> Why am I in the living room? </em> You felt someone move next to you, the drowsiness melted away as you realized to your dismay that you must have fallen asleep talking with Anik. <em> Shoot </em> . Giggling nervously you rapidly got up, “guess we were exhausted! I am going to go get ready!” Your voice sounded shrill to your ears and you rushed to the bathroom, seeking escape. <em> Shit Y/N that was stupid, stupid, stupid. What happened to not sending poor Anik mixed messages? That was about as mixed as it gets. He doesn’t deserve that. </em></p><p>You were determined to clear the air with him but by the time you were ready he had already left. </p><p>Sienna was waiting in the kitchen. “Don’t say anything!” you squeaked, flushing.</p><p>She held her hands up in defense, “I wasn’t going to, your guilty conscience will do it for me.”</p><p>She was your confidante and knew where everything stood with you and Anik, as well as with you and Kylo. Though you still kept Kylo anonymous.</p><p>You sighed, massaging your temples, “c’mon we have work to do.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>You were walking down your least favorite corridor, the one with the interrogation rooms. Many times you had wished they made a different pathway so you could avoid this one. You winced as you heard the pleas of a young woman from a room on your right. To your horror, the doors where the screams were coming from opened in front of you and you jumped back as the now silent petite brunette was moved to who knows where. </p><p>Your stomach churned as Kylo exited the chamber, causing you to feel sick. He turned to you and you froze. He waited until the corridor was clear before addressing you.</p><p>“Who is that man you are always with?”</p><p><em> Man I am with? What a weird question after a month of not speaking. </em>“Who are you talking about?” You inquired, curious.</p><p>“Don’t mock me. Tall, brunette?” </p><p>You looked at him still trying to process who he could be referring to. The way he implied it was romantically and that left no one except for well…</p><p>“Works in the medbay?”</p><p><em> Wait, did he mean </em>—you sighed in relief, ”Carlos?”</p><p>“Right. Carlos. You seem fond of him,” his voice came out bitter.</p><p>You smiled, “I am, we are really close...you know that.”</p><p>“Too close,” he spat.</p><p>“Wait…are you <em> jealous</em>?” You couldn't help but burst out laughing. “Let’s just say he would quicker be more interested in you than in me. If you should worry about anyone it would be Sienna.”</p><p>“I do not get jealous of those who are beneath me.”</p><p>You feigned a pout, “aw that’s just so sad.”</p><p>“What’s sad?”</p><p>“Poor baby can’t have his toy.”</p><p>“Poor toy,” he countered, moving towards you slowly.</p><p>You backed up and grimaced, feeling your back hit a wall. He hooked a gloved finger in a stray lock of hair, twirling it absentmindedly.</p><p>Your pulse quickened as he leaned in next to your ear, “my poor toy is so lonely not getting played with.” </p><p>You narrowed your eyes before poking a finger into his chest, “admit it, you are jealous. Maybe if you didn’t, I don't know, <em> repress </em>the feelings you have for me all the time you would feel more secure!”</p><p>You felt him tense at your touch, and you smirked. “But of course, Commander, I am just a silly girl, what do I know?” You pushed your luck, any doubt erased that you had misread his feelings for you. Boldly you splayed your hands on his broad chest, running them down his body, loving the way his breath hitched. “As you so wisely informed me I simply have <em> too many feelings </em> and have no idea what I am talking about.” You removed your hands from him right before they reached what you were sure was a very hard erection.</p><p>Your eyes hardened, “one should be careful when they play with fire, Commander.” You gave him no time to respond, “now if you excuse me, I have a job to do.”</p><p>You darted underneath his arm, head held high as you walked away. Although you loved losing control you could not help the delight you obtained from being a massive tease. It felt good to have that sort of power over Kylo Ren. That you could reduce him to his bare wants and needs and make him worship you so. He might act like he is the dominant one, but it was you who were truly in control.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. If Looks Could Kill</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/3QTDzwSkRW04FVPo6COm0H?si=d4477f0030fa43e9</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As time passed your feelings did truly begin to fade. Your heart began to heal and harden, and it was relieving to know that you could do it, you could survive without him. You <em> would </em> survive without him. Flourish even. </p><p>It was not like you didn’t know how this was going to end from the very first night you spent on your knees on his kitchen floor. He never gave you any reason to believe it would be anything more than that. In fact he outright told you that was all <em> this</em>, whatever <em> this </em> was, would ever be. He had warned you, told you to stay away for your own good. And yet you didn’t listen. He was fire, and you got burned.</p><p>You had done everything you could to protect your heart. Built up wall after wall. Reprimanded yourself when those very same walls crumbled at a tender touch or kind word. Against your best effort he had weaseled his way into your heart, with his sweet-talk and suave cajoling you had fallen prey to his temptation.</p><p>It wasn’t a fair fight.</p><p>So on those particularly dark nights when the warmth of Anik or the bottom of a bottle couldn’t drown out the pain, you found solace in the shower, where the tears simply washed down the drain. You comforted yourself with the knowledge that healing wasn’t a linear process. It would take ups and downs and good and bad days to truly get over this. In the meantime you resorted to your last defense, denial. Every time you thought about Kylo Ren or Sienna or Carlos brought up your “relationship”  you denied, denied, denied. Until you had been able to deny it to yourself with terrifying ease.</p><p>Throwing yourself into your work helped as well. One day, absorbed in your work you headed to the storage room. You were delighted when you heard Sienna giggling inside, you hadn’t seen her since the morning and would love to catch up, especially wanting to get the gossip about her most recent steamy encounter with a certain engineer. This was the third time you had caught Sienna with the same girl, something that never happened. Sienna was typically, noncommittal, just looking for fun. You found it endearing that she seemed to actually be smitten with someone.</p><p>You reached to open the door but paused when you heard a man’s voice over Sienna’s laughing. You blanched, you knew that voice. You knew that voice well. Too well. Looking around to check that no one would look at you strange, you pressed your ear to the door.</p><p>“Commander, you are too bold!” You got nauseous at Sienna’s voice. She was using her flirty voice. With Kylo Ren. But things quickly got worse.</p><p>“It is hard to control oneself in the presence of such a beautiful woman,” he responded, voice low.</p><p>Your breath caught and it felt like time froze. Heart fractured, every breath felt like shards of glass tore through more of the sensitive organ.</p><p>“I am sure you aren’t half-bad yourself under all of those dreadful robes and that ridiculous helmet.”</p><p>“We might have to test that theory of yours sometime.” His voice oozed seduction.</p><p>“Just name a time and a place sir,” Sienna teased.</p><p>Your vision blurred in with tears of anger and sadness. <em> How </em> dare <em> he, how </em> <b> <em>dare</em> </b> <em> he!  </em></p><p>He knew who Sienna was, more importantly he knew who Sienna was to<em> you</em>. He had said he never would want her that way, he said he only wanted <em> you</em>. You knew a lot had happened since then, but he had practically <em> promised</em>.</p><p>He must have heard you and you quickly backed away from the door as he exited, “I am afraid I must get back to work lit—.”</p><p>You couldn’t help it, you let out an audible pained gasp.</p><p>“Lovely,” he modified. But the damage was done.</p><p>“You know where to find me!” Sienna replied, smiling.</p><p>He then looked at you briefly, and if looks could kill he would be on the floor from the rage-filled glare you gave him. </p><p>As he walked away you tried to even your breathing so you could face Sienna.</p><p>“Hey girl, what’s up? Everything ok?” Sienna inquired.</p><p>You plastered on a smile, “oh you know how it is. Always work to do. Could use a breather.”</p><p>Sienna returned your grin, “I hear ya girl. Well let’s take a break then, I won’t tell my boss,” she winked.</p><p>You couldn’t bring yourself to laugh, “speaking of our boss what was the Commander doing here?” You tried to appear uninterested.</p><p>“Oh! He was looking for you actually...hm, you know what? He didn’t even say why but he did mention something about the interrogation room, weird,” she shrugged.</p><p>You gave her a slight smile at that. “But you know what Y/N?” Her voice dropped as if she was sharing a juicy secret, “I know this sounds crazy, but I think he was flirting with me!”</p><p>You tensed, anger rising fast.</p><p>She laughed, “can you imagine?! What if I got to...<em> fuck </em> our Commander, unbelievable. I just know he’s big, I just know it.”</p><p>Through gritted teeth you responded, “nope. Cannot even <em> begin </em> to imagine that.”</p><p>Sienna gave you a confused look, picking up on your anger.</p><p>That hurt your heart, she wasn’t to blame here. You still hadn’t told her what was going on involved Kylo Ren, she didn’t deserve your fury. He did.</p><p>You took a calming breath, “Sienna, I’m not mad at you, I just have something I need to take care of. Talk to you later, ok?” </p><p>She nodded, but you could tell she was slightly hurt by your brash response. </p><p>You reassured her, “seriously, I am sorry. It is nothing personal I swear. I am happy for you, promise,” you opened your arms for a hug and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t deny it. <em> She is seriously too good to me</em>.</p><p>With that you bolted out, letting wrath overtake you.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What a dick.<br/>Leave a comment! Leave a kudos if you feel so inclined :D<br/>I love knowing your thoughts and this the best way for me to know!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Get Your Attention</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=a1effbdd859f4a81<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/7MtFSqydPEcQwM8DUrRzYd?si=4f9f35b81f3844dc</p><p>I am so grateful for everyone who reads this! Over 100 kudos is so mind-blowing to me, to think 100 individuals read what I wrote and LIKED it is just crazy. I really appreciate it, it is very validating :D<br/>Here is a little more angst and a little more smut, enjoy and have a good weekend!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You went to the interrogation room, following the only clue he had left for you with Sienna.</p><p>Anger washed over you in waves, filling you to the brim. To your chagrin, you found Kylo standing casually, leaning against the wall of the very same room that girl had been carried out of weeks ago.</p><p>Fully prepared and determined to give him a piece of your mind you were caught off guard when he raised a hand, “just let me talk.”</p><p>Dumbfounded, you closed your mouth and crossed your arms. The hateful words you wanted to spew at him bubbling just behind your clenched teeth.</p><p>“I know you are pissed at me, although I never gave you reason to believe that this would be anything more than a simple transaction…”</p><p>You glowered at him, trying to incinerate him with your eyes. He wisely took notice and stood up straighter, approaching you slowly, as if you might bite his hand off. You hadn’t made up your mind yet on that notion.</p><p>“Why would you do that? You know how much Sienna means to me, and you know she doesn’t know who you are in relation to me!” You swallowed, willing the tears that were pricking your eyes tears away, “and you basically promised!” Your bottom lip began to tremble, “and you were going to call her—” choking on your words, you strangled a sob, “so why Kylo? Why?”</p><p>“I know, I know. It was wrong...but I had to get your attention somehow.”</p><p>You scoffed, “get my attention?”</p><p>“You left.”</p><p>“You let me go.”</p><p>“I never told you to go.”</p><p>“You didn’t have to! You made it perfectly clear to me that I had to get out. Kylo, you fucking slapped me! Message was pretty clear!”</p><p>He sighed, running his hand through his hair.</p><p>“What is this about anyway? It obviously isn’t an apology, so get to the point please.”</p><p>He was directly in front of you now, gently he tucked a stray lock of hair behind your ear. You tensed, not trusting how your body, starved of his touch, would react. He stared into your eyes, searching, and it became so ridiculously clear his intention of bringing you here you jumped back.</p><p>“No Kylo, absolutely not, find some other girl to get-off to and slap around. I’m done.” You couldn’t believe how stupid you were to come here expecting anything different. “Sorry I am not that innocent girl you met anymore—but you should be glad, you are finally free of me. Now you can find some other naïve girl to corrupt,” you turned to leave but he caught your wrist, forcing you to face him.</p><p>He looked furious, “after all this time, this is what you think of me? You think that I was what—preying on you? Obsessed with your...innocence?” He looked at you incredulously. </p><p>You bit your lip, heart pounding. </p><p>His look softened at your hesitation, and he released your wrist. Kylo ran his hand through his hair again before speaking in a hushed tone, “am I really that much of a monster?”</p><p>“I guess I just always thought that—” you tugged on a strand of hair nervously, “that that is why any of <em> this</em>,” you gestured to the two of you, “happened.”</p><p>He furrowed his eyebrows, muttering “that was never...never mind it obviously doesn’t matter anymore.” His voice got stronger, turning deceptively silky, “I can be a monster if you want me to be.”</p><p>He caressed your cheek, drawing a leather-clad thumb across your lips. The same gesture that had caused your downfall the first time. </p><p>“What do you want?” You breathed, barley trusting yourself to speak. Ravenous as you were for him this one touch was overwhelming.</p><p>“Y/N, you know I always get what I want. Sometimes by earning it, often by taking it. And right now what I want is you screaming my name.”</p><p>You trembled as he leaned in, breath hot against your ear, his scent intoxicating. “And I am inclined to believe you want that too.”</p><p>You bit your lip, unsure.</p><p>“Tell me you don’t and I will leave. But little one, tell me you do and—”</p><p>“I do,” you whispered.</p><p>‘Hm?”</p><p>“I do want that too.” You confirmed, louder. It was sex, that was all it was. That was all it ever was. </p><p>He pulled away with a smug grin, “get on the chair.”</p><p>You scrambled over, laying down quickly. Now that you had consented your aching body began to take over, logic going out the window. Heart beating fast you allowed Kylo to restrain you, holding you arms flush to the chair. He closed and locked the doors, grabbing an implement from the table you strained your neck trying to get a glimpse. </p><p>“Don’t make me have to use the head restraint on you too,” he warned.</p><p>You resolutely put your head back, wishing the chair had a pillow or at least something to make it more comfortable, but you supposed comfort wasn't really the goal here. As you laid back on the chair you understood how this would drive terror into the hearts of prisoners. “Chair” was much too gentle of a word to describe the contraption Kylo had attached you to. It in and of itself was torturous. It held you at an awkward angle, almost straight up and down but not quite. If it wasn’t for being forcibly bound to it you would slide right off the plank of cold metal, and your thin sundress did little to provide a barrier from the chill. </p><p>Your heart stuttered as you watched Kylo gracefully arrange whatever he had in mind for your torture. But you were a willing prisoner here, he had made sure of that. Your mind didn’t want him, but your body did—and your heart yearned for him more than you could bear. It was stupid and dangerous to be doing this. To keep coming back to him. But Kylo Ren always managed to render you helpless in more ways than one.</p><p>He finally turned to you and you shivered underneath his lustful gaze, nipples hardening from arousal and the frigid air.</p><p>You used to imagine that there was more than lust in those eyes for you, but now you knew that was a senseless dream. </p><p>At least this would be better closure than what you had before. This was the last time—it had to be.</p><p>The mystery tool glinted in his hands. It was long and thin, with two circular ends that looked as if they clasped shut.</p><p>You were proved right when Kylo closed the cold metal around your ankles. You cocked your head, <em> why didn’t he simply use the leg restraints provided</em>?</p><p>“Oh little one, you know that’s not enough for my liking.” He pulled something in the center of the bar and you winced as it extended, forcefully spreading your legs. He continued until you lay open and wet for him, legs spread almost to the point of pain. “You know I prefer easy access,” he growled.</p><p>Fully clothed and yet you felt bare beneath his eyes.</p><p>Your shyness began to set in, and you started to doubt yourself, it had been a long time since you had done this. </p><p>Nervously you blurted out, “can you hear everyone’s thoughts?”</p><p>“If I want to.”</p><p>“Then why can you always seem to hear mine?”</p><p>“Because I want to.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Quiet little one, no more questions for now.”</p><p>You clamped your mouth closed. Sensing your nerves, Kylo hushed you, “relax little one, I have got you, I always got you.”</p><p>And then he began.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. I'll Show You Selfless*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/7vvIpJZye5cRR6De1LKM0m?si=a72df1bac91a443a</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It truly was unfair how beautiful this man was. It was coercion in and of itself looking like that. </p><p>You stilled as his hands began making feather-light caresses up your leg. “Where to begin?”</p><p>You gulped in air, struggling to remember how to breathe. </p><p>“Perhaps here..” he whispered, gently flicking your nipple. “Or maybe here…” he leaned to nip your ear, breath hot on your neck. “Of course I love that filthy mouth of yours, especially when I occupy it,” and with that he kissed you, tongue darting in quickly, leaving before you could react. You whined and he laughed. “Needy thing, already so eager for me.”</p><p>His hand returned to your breasts, lazily drawing circles around your aching nipples before drifting lower. “But if I were to guess my little slut is already wet and ready for me.”</p><p>Lower and lower. </p><p>He pushed up the skirt of your dress, revealing your lacy, and very wet underwear, but he kept his eyes locked on yours. “Would I be right pet?”</p><p>You bit your lip to stop from answering, not wanting to give him the gratification, but your blush was answer enough. “Not going to play along?” Tantalizingly he stroked your inner thighs, so conveniently spread for him. “Maybe I should just use that mouth and I can leave you here as punishment. Perhaps gift a whore to someone else to use as they wish.”</p><p>“Like you would share!” </p><p>“Ah, there is that fire. So answer me before I change my mind and decide to be altruistic today.”</p><p>You let out a scoff, “you? Being selfless? It isn’t possible.”</p><p>His grip tightened, digging hard into the soft flesh of your thighs, sure to leave a mark. “Don’t test my patience girl.”</p><p>“You are the most selfish person I have ever met. All you care about is yourself, ‘whatever Kylo wants he gets,’ oh almighty Commander striking fear into the hearts of everyone—little does the Resistance know they are fighting against a temperamental toddler who goes around throwing tantrums. They would have better luck defeating you by taking away a toy from you—then you would destroy the First Order for them all by yourself you egotistical, childish, immature, pompous—”</p><p>Your eyes widened in fear as your airflow was cut off. Kylo’s voice went terrifyingly dark, “I warned you not to test my patience,” he spat through gritted teeth.</p><p>You needed to breathe, your lungs began to burn and you knew it wouldn’t be long before spots would swim in your vision. <em> Kylo, please yes I am wet stop this! </em></p><p>You drank in the air, grateful to breathe. “Now wasn’t that easy, pet? Why do you always insist on being so difficult?”</p><p>His finger trailed down your slit, making you squirm. Slowly he pulled down your underwear so that they rested damp on your thighs. </p><p>Curiously you watched as he got onto his knees. At his height and your angle it placed his mouth level with your pussy. He inhaled, “I have missed this little one, I have missed you.”</p><p>Shocking you, he took a long lick, “so sweet for me, I could feast on you everyday and still be starving.”</p><p>You moaned at that, heart and pussy fluttering at the compliment.</p><p>“Oh Kylooo.”</p><p>He suckled your cit, lips teasing and gently pulling, his tongue creating art. Denied of this for so long you knew you wouldn’t last long, yet he was unrelenting.</p><p>Without warning he shoved two fingers into you. You hissed, “be gentle!”</p><p>His head shook between your thighs, and the surprise of the intrusion turned to pleasure, and he pumped into you.</p><p>You pulled at the restraints, trying to grind down on the dark prince who worshipped you. You began to moan shamelessly, wishing your hands were free so that you could touch him or yourself. A dark idea entered your mind and you cried, “choke me Commander!”</p><p>Immediately your wish was granted. The pleasure heightened with the fear. </p><p>You writhed as phantom hands began working your breasts, somehow under your clothes. <em> Kylo I can’t last much longer! </em></p><p>Your vision began to fade out, all that was keeping you anchored being the overwhelming sensations of pleasure.</p><p>A third and a fourth finger joined in, and his ministrations increased in pace as you began your climb. </p><p>
  <em> Oh yes Kylo, don’t stop, please don’t stop! </em>
</p><p>You were flailing in the restraints, body overstimulated. Your legs tried to pull together to no avail. <em> Kylo I am going to cum! </em></p><p>He nodded into you and you burst at his approval. Floating and drowning at the same time you squeezed your eyes shut as your body shuddered in release, air rushing back into your lungs. When you came down he gently gave a kiss onto your abused clit before pulling up your underwear.</p><p>Mumbling, “I’ll show you selfless,” he removed the spreader and unclasped your wrists, tenderly lifting your limp body until you could stand upright without falling over.</p><p>Confused at his release of you, you gestured at his evident arousal,  “don’t you want something?” </p><p>He ignored your question, “you still deny Y/N? No feelings, none at all?”</p><p>You stared him dead in the eyes, and did what you needed to do to protect yourself, to protect your fragile heart from more abuse, “absolutely none.”</p><p>He raised an eyebrow, smirking “your body seems to feel differently than your mind little one.”</p><p>“Listen to the words coming out of this filthy mouth you love so much Commander,” making sure to enunciate every word you spat, “I have completely moved on from you.”</p><p>“Oh you think you have do you now?”</p><p>“I don’t think, I know,” You said indignantly.</p><p>He shrugged, “alright pet, if you say so.”</p><p>“I do say so!”</p><p>“Just one more request then.”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“Nothing extreme—no need to get defensive. I’d just like a parting kiss.”</p><p>You raised an eyebrow, wary. “A parting kiss?”</p><p>He gave a curt nod. It was a weird request but relatively harmless. You just didn’t believe him to have a sentimental side.</p><p>“If you have no feelings for me, as you insist so vehemently, it should be nothing to you. Won’t you indulge me?”</p><p>You rolled your eyes and quickly tiptoed to give him a peck. Before you could break the kiss his hands were in your hair, wrapping your locks in his large, commanding hands.</p><p>It took you by surprise and you allowed the kiss to deepen, his luscious lips devouring you like a starved man, your own taste still sharp on his mouth.</p><p>You had fought so hard against your feelings for this man, and every time he touched you your resolve crumbled—knocked down as if it never existed.</p><p>But this was a kiss goodbye, so you poured all the unspoken words into this moment. Ravenous you wrapped your arms around him, hands clawing at his muscular back.</p><p>He held you tight, crushed against him. You had never been kissed like this. Didn’t know kissing could be like this.</p><p>He pulled your hair gently and you moaned unabashedly into him, wanting this to never end. He made you feel alive, electrified. Kylo Ren was your forbidden fruit, the temptation overwhelming. You wanted so badly to lose yourself in him, give yourself mind, body, and soul wholly and completely to him.</p><p>But it would be like willingly jumping off a cliff. Exhilarating and breathtaking until your body inevitably crashed and broke against the rocks. You loved every second of it, but you wouldn’t lose yourself for the rush of it all. You couldn’t.</p><p>Reluctantly you broke away, unshed tears shimmering in your eyes. He looked at you, arms still clutching you tight. “Let me go Kylo,” you whispered. He frowned, but obliged. Solemn, you readjusted your hair and clothing before facing him, you couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes as you breathed “goodbye Kylo Ren,” before turning fast to get out the door, to get away from whatever this was. But you had to look, had to know that he truly didn’t care for you at all, so at the last moment you looked back.</p><p>For the first time you could clearly name the emotion that swirled in those honey-eyes, and it rebroke your heart. Too little, too late.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:(<br/>It will get better soon, promise! As always feel free to tell me what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Your Benefit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=163144cbf4b24201<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/3cVLuEbpF2PRpdSSnawc4k?si=aebfb586366b435b</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Enough of this!” Sienna burst into your room, turning on the lights and ripping the blankets off of the sad little cocoon you had erected.</p><p>“Hey! What are you doing?”</p><p>“Me? What are <em> you </em>doing Y/N? You missed another day of work pouting over what? Some douchebag? This isn’t you and I am done. So you are going to get your sorry ass out of this bed, hop in the shower, and then we are having a talk.”</p><p>You frowned, pulling at the covers in a weak attempt to get them back from her.</p><p>“No pouting, just do it.” When you didn’t move she huffed, “today please!” She grabbed your hands, pulling you out of bed.</p><p>Dutifully you listened, knowing stubborn Sienna wasn’t above using force if you did not.</p><p>You stayed under the water until it ran cold, thinking about everything that had happened over the past five months. Just like the water, the relationship with Kylo Ren was temperamental. He was flame, he was warmth, enticing you in closer and closer. The singe was addicting, the pain seductive, just enough to make you feel alive while silently killing you slowly. You had to stop before you were consumed by the fire. But what was the other option for you? Freeze or burn? If you decided to surround yourself with ice, could you protect yourself then?</p><p>Shutting the water off you grabbed a towel. Sienna was waiting for you with a hairbrush on your bed. You sat down sighing, letting her soothe you as she brushed through your hair gently. It had been awhile since you had taken care of your hair, but Sienna was patient.</p><p>You knew she was waiting for you to be ready to speak. You wrapped you arms around yourself before finally mumbling out, “I thought that I could just have sex with this guy, and it would be fun and easy and that I could protect myself from feeling anything, but I don’t think I did. But I don’t think I can go without him, I thought I could but—”</p><p>“You can, you don’t need him.”</p><p>“You are right,” you whispered, forlorn.</p><p>“But you want him.”</p><p>You let out a sigh, “oh Sienna, I do. I really do want him so badly it physically hurts. But how do I know if he cares? He seems to and then he closes up again. I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to have any kind of relationship—sexual or otherwise—if I don’t know if he cares about me at all?”</p><p>You winced as she attended to a particularly difficult knot. “If he cares about you, he will listen to you and your boundaries. He might push them, but he knows when to stop. When you put your foot down, he will pay attention. If he doesn’t, throw the whole man out.”</p><p>Her words struck you, he did do all those things. He had always been respectful at the very least, he listened, and he always made sure he had your consent. “Is that enough?”</p><p>“That is for you to answer love. Are you ok with it just being sex with him? Have you even asked him why he can’t be with you? It could be more than him just not wanting to, he obviously wants you, because if he just wants sex he could get that...I assume? You mentioned him being attractive, and I hope if you keep going back he is at least giving you orgasms, right? He better be.”</p><p>You giggled at that, “Sienna it’s like it's his only goal in life.”</p><p>She laughed, “girl yes!”</p><p>“I should ask him those questions though. I just thought he was being noncommittal and afraid to be vulnerable.”</p><p>“Which he could be, and that is fine for him, but if it is not enough for you then you are not right for each other. And sometimes, as much as that hurts, that is how it goes. Not everyone is a perfect match.”</p><p>She finished brushing out your hair and you turned to her. “So babe, what is the plan? Because this moping isn’t it.”</p><p>“What do you think I should do?”</p><p>She pursed her lips with a shrug, “well, you know how I feel about him laying a hand on you.”</p><p>“It was just because he—”</p><p>She held up a hand, halting your words, “I know I know. Just because you feel his reasoning was justified does not mean I agree with you.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>She fixed you with a look. “Girl, if he had done that to me you would have killed the mystery man by now. The only reason he is currently safe from me is because I don’t know who has a bounty on their head.”</p><p>“True.”</p><p>“However, I must admit that I am not the one in this relationship. You know I hate seeing you get hurt, but I can’t make these choices for you. Only you can decide what your limits are.”</p><p>“You are right.”</p><p>She stuck out her tongue, “I usually am! So, what are you thinking?”</p><p>You bit your lip, a dangerous, bad, but altogether tempting idea forming in your mind. “I am thinking I need to finally breakout my lingerie.”</p><p>She shook her head, smiling “alright crazy, I think I have rubbed off on you too much.”</p><p>
  
</p><p>When Kylo had given you the freedom to shop with his money you might have gone a little overboard and outside of the general guidelines. You knew he liked it best when you looked innocent. So impulsively when you were buying new dresses and skirts for him you added a few sets of lingerie that would really drive him wild just in case. One could never be too sure of what outfits they might need, and your intuition had told you that opportunities to wear them would be coming up for you aplenty.</p><p>You didn’t tell him, but figured he wouldn’t mind his money being used for this once he saw you in them, and honestly he would be the one enjoying the fruits of your shopping labor so he shouldn’t complain. </p><p>Tonight was the right time to break one out, you needed a power-move. You had spent too many days and nights pouting over a <em> man</em>. For that was all he was, really. Your plan was sure to remind him that you didn’t need him, that he needed <em> you</em>, and that he too was playing with fire if he played with your heart.</p><p>You chose a sheer nighty, ultra feminine. The skirt was a delicate white voile that stopped just below your ass. The fabric covering your breasts was made of an airy lace cut into a sweetheart neckline. To top off your look you put your hair into low pigtails and admired the effect in the mirror. You looked both sickeningly sweet and sexy. You brushed on mascara and added a layer of pink gloss to your lips. <em>He is going to go wild at this!</em></p><p>You slipped on a satin black wrap to cover your outfit, tying it closed extra-tight. It would be awkward running into anyone but it was late enough where it shouldn’t happen. Sienna had moved to the kitchen while you got ready, and so you struck a pose to get her attention.</p><p>She gave you an approving once-over, “damn girl you look <em> hot</em>. You are trying to get his heart to <em> feel </em> not to <em> stop</em>!” </p><p>You giggled before rushing out to Kylo’s door, excited and feeling naughty. Just as you got there you heard your name.</p><p><em> Shit</em>. You turned to find Anik, his eyes roamed freely up and down your body. You were covered up but definitely not completely modest. </p><p>You blushed against your will, “oh um, hi Anik. What are you doing out so late?”</p><p>He smirked, “I could ask you the same thing, is everything ok?”</p><p><em> Breathe</em>. “Everything is fine, just some work stuff!” You chirped brightly, hoping he couldn’t see through your blatant lie.</p><p>Anik cocked his head, “work stuff? This late? And why are you dressed like <em> that</em>?”</p><p>Your temper was rising, who was he to judge you?  Behind you the door slid open and you began to tremble, you didn’t want to keep Kylo waiting but you definitely didn’t want to hurt Anik, he was a good guy, and your friend. </p><p>You crossed your arms, “the Commander is very busy at all hours. This is when he is available.”</p><p>“I know but your outfit—” Anik stopped, eyes widening. You tensed when Kylo’s hand rested on your shoulder.</p><p>“Y/N and I have hard work to attend to. It’d be in your best interests to not keep her from her duties.” With that Kylo pulled you inside, leaving Anik staring open-mouthed as you were led away. The doors began to slide closed and you mouthed, “<em>sorry</em>,” to Anik, watching his confused face disappear. </p><p>You let Kylo lead you to his bedroom, and stood silently while he removed his helmet. Wistfully you sighed, it didn’t matter how many times you saw him, he made you swoon. You impulsively licked your lips and he sniggered.</p><p>“Why are you here? What are you up to?” He questioned, suspicious as he took in your appearance.</p><p>You crossed your arms, “I am mad, like, really mad. Like blood-boiling, infuriated with you mad.”</p><p>He cocked his head, “why pet? I haven’t bothered you, like you asked.”</p><p>“<em>Haven’t bothered me?” </em> you shrieked in disbelief. “Don’t lie, you know why I am outraged. I <em> know </em> you want me. And I mean <em> want </em> me, all of me. So why do you keep trying to deny it?”</p><p>“If I remember correctly little one, it was you who left me, multiple times now. And it was you who told me goodbye. I have done nothing but respect your wishes.”</p><p>You groaned in exasperation. You hated and loved when he used that pet name, it made your knees buckle. You couldn’t deny what he said, and you couldn’t deny that you wanted him and missed him, that was why you were here and he knew it. “I just don’t think it’s fair! You go on and on about wanting to have easy access to me, and that my use for you is being a fucktoy, a vessel, but what about what I want? Sometimes I just want to be able to get to you and have you fuck my brains out. But I can’t! I get sexually frustrated too you know!”</p><p>“I know pet, but tell me—do you get more pleasure when I give you what you want or when you have to wait for it and beg?”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes at him and sighed, “when you make me wait.”</p><p>“Ah you see? I’m doing it for your benefit, little one.”</p><p>“You’re too kind,” you said dryly, “but it sounds to me Commander that I’ve been neglecting your pleasure. I meant it when I said it was your turn to beg. All for your benefit, of course, sir.”</p><p>Smirking, you dropped your robe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Please, Little One*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6mz1fBdKATx6qP4oP1I65G?si=83f73c8ec58f4199<br/>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You savored his reaction, you had rendered him utterly speechless. His eyes wandered all over your body, taking you in, practically salivating.</p><p>Snickering, you walked towards the bed. “I suggest you pull up a seat, you’re going to want to see this.”</p><p>He cocked his head, “what do you have in mind you filthy girl?”</p><p>You ignored his question, “strip.”</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“You heard me Commander.”</p><p>He hesitated before giving in, meanwhile you situated yourself, laying down with your legs close to hanging off the end of the large bed. You propped two pillows behind your head for comfort, and waited while he disrobed, enjoying the show. Seeing his naked body aroused you and made your blood sing. The brief stint in the interrogation room hadn’t been nearly enough, you hadn’t been truly satisfied since being with him. After experiencing his fingers yours just didn’t do the trick.</p><p>Clothes finally on the floor you smiled seeing his raging boner shining with precum. You loved knowing he was just undone by you as you were by him. He made an advance towards you but you held up a hand, signally him to stop. “No sir, no closer.”</p><p>He furrowed his eyebrows.</p><p>“I told you to pull up a chair, but stand if you like. No touching though.”</p><p>Determining you were serious about this he retrieved a chair from his desk and plopped into it, intrigued.</p><p>You bit your lip, hyping yourself up for what you were about to do. You closed your eyes for courage, slowly spreading your legs, giving Kylo Ren a perfect view of your needy, bare pussy. </p><p>Turned on by that knowledge you let your hands roam, beginning with massaging your breasts.</p><p>“What are you doing Y/N?” His voice came out strained.</p><p>“I hope you enjoy, I know I sure will.”</p><p>You pulled at the lingerie so your aching breasts were on display, you tugged at your nipples, mewling in pleasure as they raised to stiff peaks. Tits fully serviced for now you began to move a hand down, trailing your body lightly until finally you reached your wanting mound. You dipped in, dragging a finger along the length of your slit, shuddering when you reached your clit. Pulling out your finger you opened your eyes, a clear strand of wetness came with it, Kylo groaned at the sight and moved to put a hand on his deprived dick. </p><p>“I don’t think so,” you tutted, “I said no touching, not even yourself.”</p><p>You saw anger and need flash in his eyes, “what will you do about it, you are the one laid out like a slut on my bed, touching yourself like some common whore.” </p><p>You moaned as you brought the finger back to that bundle of nerves, casually rubbing at it. “I could leave. I can easily do this on my bed, alone, if you would prefer.”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>You let out a sharp laugh, pleased at his response, “then be good for me, no touching.” Gradually you began to increase the speed of your finger, other hand back on your breasts. “Didn’t you miss me? Didn’t you miss this pretty pussy?”</p><p>Kylo nodded, transfixed as you added a second finger, wetness beginning to drip out of you. Occasionally you pushed your fingers into your vacant hole, but it wasn't enough. “All you have to do is beg like a good boy and you could have me again.”</p><p>“You first little one. You won’t break me.”</p><p>Hearing his deep voice made you moan, you needed him to call you dirty things. You yearned for him, but you were determined not to give in.</p><p>“Give me your lightsaber,” you demanded, drunk with pleasure but needing something of his to get off.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Just give it to me!” You wailed and thankfully he obliged.</p><p>Closing your eyes again you rubbed the cold hilt on your hot skin, teasing your nipples and warming the metal up before moving it to your pussy. You rubbed it up and down your slit, wishing it was Kylo’s dick. Nevertheless, it felt so good and so <em> bad</em>. </p><p>You lined it up with your entrance and made sure Kylo was watching before you pushed his lightsaber into you. Kylo’s eyes widened in surprise and lust. Devastatingly slow the weapon impaled you inch by inch until it finally bottomed out. It felt foreign, but you felt deliciously stretched. </p><p>You rubbed your clit and began to fuck yourself with his lightsaber, moaning in satisfaction.</p><p>You felt yourself begin to climb towards release as he began to speak, standing to loom over you. “What a sight, my poor little fucktoy so needy she would fuck herself with my weapon. You're just a hopeless little slut for me, aren’t you?”</p><p>Whining you nodded, “yes Kylo I am a little slut.”</p><p>“Whose slut are you Y/N? Tell me!” He roared.</p><p>“I am yours Commander! Only yours!”</p><p>“All mine, do you want to cum on my lightsaber like a good little whore?”</p><p>“Yes, Kylo, yes, I am going to cum!”</p><p>His tone quickly changed, “don’t you dare, not without my cock in you.”</p><p>You shook your head, feeling your climax rise, “not good enough.”</p><p>He could tell you were close, “fuck Y/N, <em> please</em>.”</p><p>You slowed your movements, keeping your orgasm on the edge. “What was that?”</p><p>He ran a hand through his raven locks, “please.”</p><p>“Please what?”</p><p>He sighed, exasperated and horny, “please, little one, let me fuck your pretty pussy. I need to destroy you.”</p><p>Your whole body tingled at that, he set every part aflame. You pulled the soaked lightsaber out. You waited a second before nodding, “fuck me now Kylo, show me who I belong to.”</p><p>Consent given he wasted no time, sheathing his member in you, instantly balls deep. You clenched at his girth, and shrieked when he grabbed onto your pigtails, using them to fuck you roughly. </p><p>“Little girl, coming here dressed like this. You need someone to take care of you? To make sure you behave? Someone to be your Commander, your master, your <em> Daddy</em>?” He groaned and to your horror you clenched at the dirty word. <em> What is wrong with me</em>?</p><p>“Nothing is wrong with you baby girl, let yourself go.”</p><p><em> Fuck it</em>, you were about to cum anyway. “Yes Daddy, please touch me I need to cum!”</p><p>You felt the Force begin to rub at your clit and nipples. “That's it little one, cum for me, cum on your Daddy’s cock.”</p><p>It felt like an explosion, the buildup was so intense that as your climax overtook you you saw stars. Before your orgasm had ended Kylo flipped you over so your ass was up in the air, face held up from suffocating in the pillows by his pulling of your hair. He was continuing to fuck you, not slowing. “Kylo it’s too much! I need a break!” You cried.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>After orgasm your senses had cleared enough to feel nauseated by yourself. A hand came cracking down on your ass, spurring you to speak. “Please...Daddy...it’s too much for me.” The word felt foreign on your tongue, but so delicious too.</p><p>“That’s my good girl. You can do it baby, just relax and take my cock.”</p><p>You moaned as pleasure began to come back, “yes Daddy, it’s starting to feel good now.”</p><p>“Of course it is, baby girl, Daddy knows just how to take care of his cumslut.”</p><p>Your eyes widened as you felt a finger prodding around your other hole. “Daddy, what are you doing?”</p><p>“Shush little one, breathe.”</p><p>It was very hard to breathe with a finger entering your asshole but you tried to obey. You knew people did this kind of stuff, but it scared you. Despite this, you trusted Kylo. “Kylo...I am nervous,” you whispered.</p><p>He stalled himself, listening to you. “I think you'll like it, I think you are ready. Can you trust me Y/N?”</p><p>“Yes. I trust you.”</p><p>“I got you baby, I’ll go slow. You just focus on breathing and your own pleasure.”</p><p>He was true to his word, his cock moved rhythmically inside you and the phantom touches of the Force began caressing your body while he gradually worked more and more fingers into you. “How is that baby girl?”</p><p>“It...it feels weird, but good.”</p><p>“Do you think you’re ready for more?”</p><p><em> More? </em> “I...yes. Just be gentle Daddy.”</p><p>“That’s my good girl.” You heard the sound of what you figured was lube. <em> What could he possibly have in mind? </em> His dick was still in you. </p><p>Your question was quickly answered as you felt cold metal press against your rosebud. “Oh, fuck!” You cried as he began to push his lightsaber into you.</p><p>“Breathe baby,” he reminded you yet again.</p><p>Agonizingly his weapon destroyed you, until you felt impossibly full. Overwhelmed you clenched, adjusting to the intrusion as pleasure washed over you, “oh Daddy, yes.”</p><p>“Ready little one?” </p><p>“Yes Daddy! Claim me, I am yours to use!”</p><p>He began to move both his lightsaber and cock, fucking you while the Force played with your clit. You screamed out as your climax hit you like a bullet. Wave after wave of pleasure rolled over you, you weren’t sure where one orgasm started or where one ended, it was just a constant storm. Your eyes rolled back and you felt like you were flying away, hanging on for dear life as Kylo thoroughly ravaged you. </p><p>“That’s it little one, you’re mine and only mine.”</p><p>“Yes Daddy, I’m yours!”</p><p>You felt like you were on the brink of passing out when he flipped you over on your back again, staring deep into your eyes you felt him finally release inside you. Your pussy was throbbing as he removed both his lightsaber and cock. You didn’t even want to think about how sore you would be tomorrow. Closing your eyes in exhaustion you sighed, content and well-fucked.</p><p>“Please don’t leave me again.”</p><p>Your heart stilled, mind reeling. Propping yourself up on your elbows you looked into his eyes, caught entirely off guard by his soft plea, sure you imagined what he said. You gulped, voice thick with emotion, “I...I won’t.” As insane as it sounded you knew it was true. It had been months since you had started whatever this was, and even as moody and sometimes downright infuriating he could be—you couldn’t stay away. </p><p>He scooped your worn out body up into his arms, holding you close, like you were something precious, before placing a kiss on your forehead.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just can't stop coming back to each other, huh?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. I am a Monster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=iApToUjrTVynR0EFzFNGYg<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/2tOOcDDYkh0PSjr6GwPEAJ?si=_fAQUWsfTDmCSTtbuWOZgQ</p><p>I hope some of you like looking at the playlist! And chag pesach sameach to those who celebrate☺️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bliss, there was no other word for this feeling. You couldn’t wipe the ridiculous dazed smile off of your face as Kylo carried you to the bathroom to wash-up. You perched on the counter as he drew a bath for you, admiring his muscles flex as he focused on doting on you.</p><p><em> I want him, and he wants me. He wants me, he wants me, he wants me</em>. The words kept running through your mind, like a balm to the soul and utterly addictive. As he poured in the bubble bath he looked up to give you a shy smile. You knew you appeared insane, and you knew he could hear your thoughts but you didn’t care. He had claimed you, mind, body, and soul. </p><p>Tenderly he lifted you, placing you into the warm water before joining you in the large tub. You sat across from one another in silence, simply caught up in gazing into each other’s eyes. <em> Gosh this so disgustingly mushy</em>. He laughed, “I agree, come here, I want to hold you.”</p><p>Scooching around in the water you were able to turn so you could lay your head on his chest, breathing in his spicy, smoldering scent as he placed his arms around you. You still couldn’t identify the sweetness that ran underneath it, but whatever it was, it brought you peace. For weeks that cloying smell had haunted your dreams, sticking inside your nose like melted sugar. The real thing was pure and comforting. You closed your eyes, leaning into his touch as he played with your hair. You stayed like that, dozing off, until the water had cooled and the bubbles had dissipated.</p><p>Kylo got out, drying himself off before wrapping you up in a fluffy towel. You stood on your tiptoes to peck his cheek before padding out back to the bedroom. On auto-pilot you picked up the shirt he had discarded on the floor and slipped it on, breathing in his calming aroma.</p><p>Kylo came out right after you, his towel hanging low. You blushed, <em> I don’t think the sight of him will ever get old</em>.</p><p>He grinned before checking his datapad, whatever he saw caused his face to fall.</p><p>“Kylo, what’s wrong?”</p><p>He sat on the bed with a heavy sigh, holding his head in his hands.</p><p>“Kylo?” You repeated.</p><p>“I have to do something and I don’t know if I can.”</p><p>“What do you mean? What is it you have to do?”</p><p>“I...I shouldn’t tell you.”</p><p>“Why not? Maybe I can help?” You asked, eager to problem-solve.</p><p>“No.” His voice was absolute, final, and laced with pain. Whatever he saw obviously had shaken him.</p><p>You tried a different tactic, dropping to a soft, nurturing tone. You snuggled up close to him, “ok, do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>He gulped and leaned into your touch, “I have to...make a choice. A violent choice. One to prove that I am strong, and that I am loyal to the First Order, and to the dark side.”</p><p>“Forgive me if I am wrong, but you don’t sound super enthusiastic about this...whatever it is. You are loyal...and strong. Why do you need to prove it?”</p><p>“I don’t expect you to understand, it’s too complicated.”</p><p>“Try me, you might be surprised.” </p><p>“I used to be...different than I am now.”</p><p>Finally he looked up at you, seeing the hurt in his eyes caused you physical pain. You scooted back, laid on the pillows and beckoned him over, patting the mattress next you. He joined you, laying his head on your breasts. His large body appeared so small like this, curled up and vulnerable. Fondly you began to twirl his hair, giving him the space to talk when he was ready.</p><p>“I used to be training to be...a Jedi,” the last word was said so quietly you weren’t quite sure you heard him right. “Things went wrong, my...Jedi master...saw dark in me, and he tried to kill me. A <em> child</em>,” he spat out.</p><p>You tried not to react at his confession, appalled that someone would try to hurt a little Kylo Ren. How wonderful it would have been to see him happy and free, not bottling his emotions and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.</p><p>“And the darkness grew, the emotions festered. But still the light calls me, and I need to prove my worth. I need to secure my place in the galaxy, once and for all.”</p><p>You looked at him, taking in his lovely face. You were distressed to see tears pooling in his eyes, making them look like liquid pools of honey. </p><p>“What are they asking you to do?” You whispered, afraid to hear his answer.</p><p>He sighed, “I have to kill someone, someone important. And I don’t know if I can..I don’t know if I want to.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>His voice hardened, “don’t try to change me, I told you I was a monster. I warned you.”</p><p>“Kylo I’m not trying to change you. I know who you are. If you want to grow to be a kinder, softer, more caring person you know I’d be all for that. But if not for me, for you. But you don’t have to justify yourself to me. I understand what you do. I don’t need to know every detail. Who’s to say which side is right? It seems to me no hands are clean in this endless battle. So I accept what I don’t know. If you think your actions are valid, then so be it. But if you are having doubts, that is acceptable too. I am willing to grow as we go. Together.”</p><p>His voice broke, “how can you say that, how are you even still here after hearing this? Knowing the crimes I have committed? Why do you keep coming back to me?”</p><p>Real tears had begun to stream down his face, and your heart fluttered, “Kylo...I meant it when I said I am done leaving...that was real. I know I want to be here, you must know I do.”</p><p>“I don’t understand. I’m broken beyond repair. I <em> am </em>a monster.” He kept repeating this as if it was some kind of mantra. You felt fiercely protective over him, and wanted to personally track down everyone who had hurt him and made him believe those words, and give them a piece of your mind.</p><p>“I am never going to magically ‘fix’ you Kylo. I learned a longtime ago that you can never truly fix people because people inherently can’t be broken. Sure, you’re a little more bent than others, but that’s ok. The only thing I can do is lo—” your face heated, “look after you and support you, let you know that I am here through the ups and downs. I’m here. And unless you force me away again, I’m not leaving.”</p><p>“Please stay,” he murmured.</p><p>Your mind continued to whirl long after he had fallen asleep, reflecting and processing everything that happened in the past few hours. So much had changed.</p><p>Finally Kylo’s soft breathing drew you into a deep, dreamless sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Gentle Giant*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6lMfTCsISpmVhdV97ltlEl?si=xLQJOejdSXapVQE1eUge9A</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You woke up to the sight of a peaceful Kylo Ren. Groggily you opened your eyes the rest of the way, grinning drowsily as you took in his lovely, sleeping face. <em> What a way to wake up</em>. Gently you stroked Kylo’s hair, relishing in this moment of euphoria. You were surprised that you had yet again spent the night in his bed, and even more surprised that you had woken before him. He looked so lovely like this, like a gentle giant. And you supposed that might be an accurate description of him, he was no monster, that you were confident of. <em> I wonder who he would have been if he didn’t have any of these expectations to meet? Is this what little Kylo dreamed of? </em></p><p>He stirred and you smiled as his eyes slowly fluttered open. It was like watching a sunrise. “Good morning handsome.”</p><p>He returned your grin, “good morning to you too.”</p><p>You snuggled into him, “this is nice, I am kind of shocked that I am still here though.”</p><p>“I've missed you, we haven’t had our weekly meetings in a long time.”</p><p>You gave a soft smile, “no, I suppose we haven’t.”</p><p>“Wait till you see what I have planned for breakfast.”</p><p>“I think you should see what <em> I </em>have planned for breakfast.”</p><p>He lifted an eyebrow as you laughed mischievously, wiggling under the covers.</p><p>“What are you planning under there, little one?”</p><p>You answered him with a scrape of nails along his thighs, enjoying the feel of his muscles tensing. </p><p>Wordessly you grabbed his already hard member, lifting it to peck kisses along his length before swirling your tongue around the tip.</p><p>The unmistakable sound of the doors opening caused you to freeze. </p><p>“Housekeeping!” </p><p><em> Shit, Anik</em>. </p><p>“Please come in!” Kylo answered, confident. </p><p>“Kylo!” You hissed, horrified. </p><p>He chose not to respond, and you could hear Anik shuffling around, attending to his duties. Hidden underneath the sheets you felt incredibly naughty. If Kylo wasn’t afraid of getting caught you wouldn’t be either.</p><p>Without warning you took him into your mouth, working your way up to taking him all the way. </p><p>As you moved, Kylo let out a groan. </p><p>“Commander?” Anik’s voice inquired, concerned, from the kitchen. </p><p>“I think it might be best to come back later!” Kylo’s voice sounded slightly shrill. He was losing his composure.</p><p>Thrilled, you swallowed the rest of him, choking on his dick and causing another moan.</p><p>Internally you giggled. </p><p>“Commander do you need help?”</p><p>“Leave! That is an order!” </p><p>If the commotion was any indication, Anik must have run out at Kylo’s command. As soon as he was gone Kylo lifted the sheets. Wide-eyed, you fluttered your eyelashes up at him, never ceasing your ministrations, worshipping his cock.</p><p>“Don’t feign innocence you little whore, did you want to get caught?”</p><p><em> Maybe</em>.</p><p>He moaned unabashedly now, grabbing your hair to guide your motions, fucking your mouth. “I am almost there, get ready.”</p><p>He moved faster now, bucking up, gagging you. Finally, with a final yelp, he released in your mouth. Unprompted you swallowed.</p><p>“That’s it Y/N, just what my cumslut needs.”</p><p>Satisfied, you licked your lips before resting your head on his broad thigh.</p><p>His hands immediately began twirling in your hair, “I think it is time for actual food now.”</p><p>You let out a giggle and made a move to get up but were ushered to stay in bed. Happily obliging you snuggled back down into the sheets, sighing in contentment. You could get used to this...you could have a lifetime of this and it wouldn’t be enough. Falling asleep in Kylo’s arms, waking up next to him, having him make breakfast, just having <em> him </em> in all ways. It was a fantasy of your wildest dreams. <em> Gosh I lo</em>— you stopped your thought, chastising yourself. <em> Foolish fancies. </em></p><p>After a couple of minutes Kylo came back holding two heaping plates. You propped yourself up, accepting the plate you inhaled deeply, wiggling with joy.</p><p>“What was that?” Kylo chuckled.</p><p>“You mean the happy food dance?”</p><p>He shook his head.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You’re just damn cute.”</p><p>“You too, look at you mister domestic Commander.”</p><p>You both dove into eating in companionable silence. As you finished eating Kylo nonchalantly asked, “that man last night, the one who was talking to you…”</p><p>“Anik?”</p><p>“Is this the same Anik who almost just caught you choking on my dick?”</p><p>“Very same.”</p><p>“You dirty girl. Is there...is there something going on between you two?”</p><p>“He’s just a friend,” you hurriedly answered.</p><p>“His thoughts say otherwise....”</p><p>“He likes me, but he knows I don’t feel the same. He is respectable.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I would describe the thoughts he was having towards you last night as ‘respectable,’ more like the opposite. Though I suppose I can forgive him, you weren’t really going for the whole ‘respectable’ look.”</p><p>“I think the vibe was more ‘fuck me’?”</p><p>“Certainly was what I picked up on.”</p><p>Beaming, you leaned into him, sighing happily. “I don’t want to leave, I feel like I am in a bubble of joy right now. I could stay here all day.”</p><p>“Then stay with me, little one.”</p><p>You frowned, bubble popping as unwanted memories of a different man in a different time flooded in. That man had asked of you the very same—and you did. And then you were the one left.</p><p>Kylo cocked his head at your sudden change in mood, “what’s wrong?”</p><p>You swallowed thickly at the remembered pain, burrowing deeper into his chest, “Kylo?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Can you promise me something, please?”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“When we do, inevitably, end things“</p><p>“Little one—”</p><p>“I need you to promise me that you’ll break my heart, thoroughly.”</p><p>“Why would I—”</p><p>“Shatter it. I can’t have any sort of hope left or else I’ll cling to it and let it fester and rip me apart. And I can’t do that, I can’t. Not again. I don’t think I can survive that.”</p><p>Gently he pried you off his chest. “Look at me Y/N.”</p><p>You gave a shake of your head. </p><p>“Please?”</p><p>Slowly you lifted your eyes, letting him search your face for any sort of clue on what you were going on about.</p><p>“Why is our ending inevitable?”</p><p>“I just always get into these kinds of relationships, doesn’t matter whether it is platonic or romantic. I always do this.”</p><p>“These kinds of relationships?”</p><p>“You know I push you pull—pull away that is. I’m too much, you're too little.”</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“The real problem is that we speak in different measurements. You give an inch and I don’t take a mile, instead I placate myself and pretend it’s a mile because I <em> need </em> a mile. And the worst part is that for you it <em> is </em> a mile—you’re probably giving me all you can and for me—for me it’s just a meager inch. And eventually the numbers just don’t add up anymore and everything falls apart. We can communicate fine...we can talk and still at the end of the day were speaking different languages because our dictionary just isn’t the same.” The words tumbled out in a rush, and as soon as they were spoken it felt like damning truth. This love...or whatever it was...was hopeless.</p><p>“But we could learn.”</p><p>“Learn what?”</p><p>“You just communicated with me, and now I understand you better. So much better actually. But why does it have to be all or nothing? Couldn’t we meet in the middle? I am not him, Y/N, whoever he is. Couldn’t we...couldn’t we try to learn each other’s language?”</p><p>You looked at him helplessly, unsure what to do. No matter how gilded the cage, at the end of the day it was still just a trap.</p><p>He opened his arms to you with a sweet smile, “let me hold you Y/N,” </p><p>Drained at your emotional outburst, you fell into his arms letting his strong arms enclose around you. </p><p>He rubbed circles on your back soothingly, “just relax little one, enjoy just <em> being</em>.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Got to add a note about the psychology of this kind of relationship. This is a classic anxious-avoidant relationship, a very common attachment style in relationships. Here’s a link that explains more about it:<br/>https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-challenges-of-anxious-avoidant-relationships/</p><p>Super interesting stuff (at least to me) and good to know if you relate to this kind of push-and-pull relationship.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Lovebug</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=38a66e1c6e814b8c<br/>Song:https://open.spotify.com/track/3F8xLc6T4VvKH7I6wqVAN2?si=42147bcef8914f3d<br/>I don't care I still think this is the best Jonas Brothers song :p<br/>And unfortunately we have to take a break from smut :( Boo I know but it has to be done. But never fear, it will come back!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You stayed in bed with Kylo all day, it felt surreal, like you were in a world made just for the two of you, and you were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But the waiting period certainly was lovely.</p><p>After dinner you had gone back to cuddling, aimlessly you caressed random shapes onto his chest.</p><p>“Hey Kylo?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I know you basically said not to read into it…”</p><p>“But you’re reading into it?”</p><p>You nodded with a grimace.</p><p>“And what is ‘it’ that you are reading into?”</p><p>“I guess I was just wondering...well, like why do you like me to always appear so innocent?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“You know the whole wearing white thing, and just in general you seem to like when you can teach me things, about well...sex.” You flushed, embarrassed at your question. “I know you said that isn’t why you like me, but it certainly seems a part of it.”</p><p>“That’s an interesting point, I suppose I never thought of it like that.”</p><p>“No? What do you think of it then?”</p><p>“I am used to seeing duality, light and dark. When I saw you wearing all-white for the first time it made me view you in that way.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I wear black, you wear white. I am dark, you are light.” He shrugged, giving a small smile. “I am not proud of everything I have done. Seeing you, being with you, it makes me feel like I am doing something right. You represent everything I want, everything I want to be. My opposite in a way.”</p><p>Your heart fluttered, “so it isn’t about me not knowing things?”</p><p>“I do like your innocence, but not in the way you are imagining it. You are uncorrupt, joyful, optimistic. You still see the world for what it could be, not what it is. It wouldn’t matter to me if you worked at a brothel, it is simply who you are. And I guess the white clothes are just a constant reminder of that, I don't want you to be like me.”</p><p>“Well if it’s worth anything, I Iike you as is, darkness and all.”</p><p>He grinned, “that it is worth more to me than you could ever know.”</p><p>“I mean it.” Another question popped into your head. “Sooo…”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I know we never discussed this but Carlos and Sienna know about you, but not who you are.”</p><p>“I figured you would tell them, what’s the issue?”</p><p>“I want to tell them it’s you. I want them to know.”</p><p>Kylo pondered for a bit as you twisted your hands nervously. “It might be safer if they didn’t know.”</p><p>You frowned. “Safer for you darling.” He tilted your chin gently, forcing you to look into his eyes. “I care for you, and that could become ammunition for my enemies. I can’t put you at risk.”</p><p>You blinked fast, sure you were still dreaming. “You...<em> care </em> for me?” You breathed.</p><p>He raised an eyebrow, “of course I do, why would you think I didn’t?”</p><p>“You just never said—”</p><p>“Ah I see. I should have made it clear. I care about you, in the way I can. After I hit you—”</p><p>“It’s ok.”</p><p>“It really isn’t. I felt horrible after that. I am so sorry for hurting you little one.”</p><p>“I forgive you, just never do that again ok?”</p><p>“I promise.” He rubbed his temples, “I know you want more but I am trying my best. This is new for me.”</p><p>“Kylo that means so much to me, thank you for trying.” You were afraid your heart might burst at his admission.</p><p>“Which is why it might be safer for your friends not to know.”</p><p>“I see where you’re coming from Kylo, I do.”</p><p>Sensing your unhappiness at his answer he continued on, “if they can vow to keep the information to themselves they can know. But Y/N, they <em> have </em> to. For all of our sakes.”</p><p>You beamed, “they will, I know it! I can’t wait to tell them.”</p><p>He gave a heavy sigh. “What’s wrong Kylo?”</p><p>“I am just worried, the Resistance is gaining power.”</p><p>“Do you think there is going to be an attack?”</p><p>“That’s what I fear...this is going to sound terrible, but you know when you said that the First Order could fall if the Resistance simply took a toy away from me?”</p><p>You bit your lip, “yes?”</p><p>“I am worried that ‘toy’ might be you.”</p><p>“Oh.” You were not sure whether to be offended at his calling you a ‘toy’ or honored that losing you would cause him to lose control.</p><p>“Y/N?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I need you to look at me.” </p><p>You moved so you could gaze fully into his eyes, it frightened you, how full of wariness those honey-eyes appeared. </p><p>“I need you to listen carefully to me.” </p><p>You nodded, urging him to continue. “If somehow you get caught, I want you to fight. As much fire as you have, as determined as I know you are, do not get physical. Use your mind, use that wit of yours. Play to your strengths, be that kind and wonderful empathetic woman you are. There is power in that. Your first priority is you. Do what it takes to make sure you’re cared for. If they ask for information give them everything you know. Don’t worry about betraying anyone. Protect yourself and don’t give up hope.”</p><p>His words terrified you, it sounded like less of an if but a <em> when</em>. </p><p>“Hey,” he cupped your cheek gently. “No matter what happens, I will find you. I swear it.”</p><p>You swallowed thickly. His fearful admission alarmed you, but you trusted his word. </p><p>
  
</p><p>For the third morning in a row you woke up in his arms.</p><p>This time though you didn’t linger, choosing to get dressed quickly, eager to tell your friends the news. As you reached for your clothes you realized that you had come in only lingerie. “Um Kylo?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Could I possibly borrow a shirt? I will bring it back I promise.”</p><p>He chuckled at your predicament. “You can even keep it little one, I know you like the way I smell, I see you breathing it in like a maniac.”</p><p>You flushed. “It’s ok, Y/N, I like the way you smell too.”</p><p>You beamed, pulling on his shirt. Luckily his height made the shirt long on you, still you were glad you had your wrap to go with it.</p><p>Kylo walked you to the door, pulling you close before placing a light kiss on your forehead.</p><p>“Alright lovebug, see you soon.”</p><p>You smiled up at him,<em> lovebug, he has never called me something so endearing before</em>. </p><p>He gave you a weird look. “What?”</p><p>“I don’t know...your thoughts just turned shiny I guess? I haven’t seen that before.”</p><p>“You make me feel like that,” you sheepishly said, blushing.</p><p>“Shiny?”</p><p>“Shiny, effervescent, glowing, radiant, joyful. Take your pick.”</p><p>He gave a slow grin, “you make me feel that way too.”</p><p>With one final kiss you parted ways, buzzing with excitement and anxiousness at the prospect of revealing Kylo Ren to your friends.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Mystery Man</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1GXFYdKM6MNrogE2PacpKe?si=74d93baeb51642df</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You were glad you decided to keep some of your pants after all, for you would have been freezing without them. Sienna and Carlos obliged you in talking outside, even though you all had to bundle up to do so, Starkiller being covered in snow as usual. You figured that this would guarantee you the most privacy. It might be a bit of overkill, but it was worth braving the cold to protect those you loved.</p><p>After some trekking you settled on a secluded part of the forest.</p><p>“Ugh finally Y/N, now can we know what this is about?” Carlos questioned, face rosy from the bite of the cold and long walk.</p><p>“Please I’m dying to know!” Sienna looked at you expectantly.</p><p>Panic began to overtake you and you tried to take some calming breaths. <em> How do I explain to them that I am in a freaking relationship with the Kylo Ren? With our boss for goodness sakes! They are going to think I am crazy. </em></p><p>Carlos gently placed a hand on your shoulder, “hey, whatever it is, you know we won’t judge you.”</p><p>Fortified by his reassurance you took a deep breath and began, “I can finally let you know who I have been seeing.”</p><p>Sienna and Carlos traded eager glances.</p><p>“But you both have to swear on your life that this information doesn’t leave us three. If it does it could literally put all of our lives at risk.”</p><p>They both furrowed their eyebrows, trying to discern if you were serious. Seeing that you were their eyes widened in tandem. “Swear, but you’re scaring me. Who is this mystery man? Why would our lives be at risk?” Sienna rushed out.</p><p>You squeezed your eyes shut for courage, “Kylo Ren,” you mumbled.</p><p>“Excuse me?” Carlos questioned, shocked.</p><p>Biting your lip you repeated with more conviction. “Kylo Ren. Yes that Kylo Ren you heard me right. The Commander.”</p><p>Deafening silence. “Please say something,” you begged.</p><p>Sienna sighed, “I don’t really know what to say...not because I am upset or anything but I am just genuinely shocked and quite honestly confused Y/N. That’s a bit to process.”</p><p>“How?” Carlos inquired.</p><p>“Well he was the one who came asking me for shampoo and after that we just kind of started flirting. I thought it was just going to be sex, I knew it was going to be just sex, but then it wasn’t anymore.” You twisted your hands, “then there were feelings and I thought it was just me but he feels them too...and he says he cares for me. And I care for him too, deeply. I know it sounds insane, it <em> is </em> insane. But I am really happy. I hope you can understand why I had to keep it a secret.”</p><p>“Wow, ok. Of all people I was not expecting him.” Sienna declared.</p><p>“I know, I am sorry I kept it from you.”</p><p>“I am happy you are happy, of course. But I am slightly worried. Isn’t this the same man who has caused you to cry and miss days and days of work? And ya know, murders people?”</p><p>“Carlos has a point Y/N. We don’t want you to get hurt. Fear creates the same bodily reactions as love. Heart racing, butterflies, all that stuff. I just want you to be sure it’s not danger that is exciting you, but happy lovey-dovey feelings.”</p><p>You swallowed before all of what you had been holding back poured out of you, “you make good points. I am not scared of him though, he has never made me feel afraid for my well-being. There are some red flags, as you both have pointed out. But I feel pretty certain that a lot of those issues are caused by his past trauma, and before you start I know that it doesn’t excuse his current behavior. I know that. I know I am not responsible for his happiness or how he acts, and I am not ever going to be able to ‘fix’ him, but I liked him as he was. I like him even better after months of him opening up to me and growing together. Honestly, and I am not trying to put the blame on myself, but I do think I approached the relationship with unfair expectations. He made it very clear to me what he wanted and I continuously blurred the lines and pushed him for more. And every time he couldn’t provide that I shut him out, thinking it was a fault of my own rather than giving him time and space, rather than seeing progress I only saw failure. I thought it was better to protect myself than risk being hurt, but by doing so <em> I </em> was the one who hurt myself, not Kylo.” You took a steadying breath, the words had come tumbling out and you felt dizzy. You hadn’t even known that was exactly how you felt, never having put concrete words to your feelings about Kylo.</p><p>“Well I have a billion other questions but it seems like you’re going to be sick hun. I don’t want to speak for Sienna but I am glad you told us. And while I have concerns I am happy for you, truly. So let’s have some fun while we are outside and then grab a hot drink and talk more.”</p><p>“Agreed!” Sienna piped.</p><p>You let out a sigh of relief and then were immediately hit by a snowball. “Hey! I am going to get you for that!”</p><p>
  
</p><p>You were breathless and filled with joy, nose nipped and red from the cold, but utterly happy. The three of you walked to get a warm beverage laughing arm-in-arm.</p><p>Drinks acquired you headed back to yours and Sienna’s room, ready to chat and warm-up. </p><p>You walked by a group of Stormtroopers, and Sienna was talking when you heard a man’s voice mumble “<em>slut</em>,” under his breath.</p><p>Carlos and you pivoted, ready to fight whoever said that about your friend.</p><p>Sienna gently put an arm out, stopping both of you. “Don’t bother, I get it all the time. I like having sex and I like having sex with anyone who catches my interest. He’s just mad because even though I’m a ‘slut’ I still have standards!” She yelled loudly back at him, rolling her eyes.</p><p>You continued on, Sienna seemed unbothered but you were still furious. “I can’t believe he said that to you. That’s awful.”</p><p>She shrugged, “I appreciate your willingness to stand up for me.”</p><p>“Do you really get that all the time still? I thought that stopped after we all got out of school.”</p><p>“Honestly, even if I didn’t have sex and was innocent as could be, the fact that I’m attracted to anyone, regardless of gender, makes some people immediately call me a slut.”</p><p>You shook your head, “people are so stupid.”</p><p>She chuckled, “yes they are.” She shook her head before giving a sly smile, “but it’s different now.”</p><p>“How so?” You inquired.</p><p>“In school it was <em> mainly </em> untrue.”</p><p>Carlos and you gave her a knowing glance.</p><p>She threw her hands up, “I said <em>mainly </em>! Anyway, here he is not wrong, but here I have power,” she shrugged, “it’s not my fault that all the girls love me and so now he can’t get any.”</p><p>“My friend is a powerful and fair bitch!” Carlos whooped.</p><p>“By the way Sienna, when are we going to talk about that engineer, that—dare I say—you are <em> dating</em>?”</p><p>She blushed.</p><p>It was then the screaming started and the ground began to shake beneath your feet.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am sorry for this cliffhanger! I love to hear feedback, so make sure to comment if you have a thought to share!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Harsh Reality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=e131645c0a264320<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/76WRHOINx2bIcOgnwBKydI?si=9822349ccbd74e44<br/>Fair warning these next two chapters are on the sadder side :( Also this one is a bit shorter, I keep trying to make them longer but sometimes it is not worth forcing it, ya know?<br/>Hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Acrid smoke began to burn your nose as the <em> Starkiller </em> base was set aflame. Panic started to set in, the noxious smoke replacing the fresh air in your lungs. The sound of your own voice eerily began to blast throughout the speakers, grating on your already fraying nerves and causing you to shiver. When you first got this job you worked tirelessly to set-up an in-depth emergency plan. You had supplies throughout the base and directions for everyone to escape. Part of the plan included your own voice recording to be aired, along with sirens, to alert everyone to remain calm and follow the plan. You just had never thought you would ever actually have to hear it. What was supposed to provide reassurance just sent shivers down your spine along with the sinking sensation of dread. <em> This can’t be happening. </em></p><p>Feeling numb, Carlos tugged at your hand, urging you to move. You didn’t budge, you couldn’t. If you didn’t move, this would stop happening. If you refused to accept what was going on, this lucid nightmare would end.</p><p>“C’mon Y/N we need to <em> go</em>!” Sienna urged.</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“He’s probably the safest out of any of us, he is going to be fine.”</p><p>The image of your dark prince flashed through your mind. They were after him, they had to be after him. And he was so soft, so gentle, so <em> vulnerable</em>. You couldn’t let them hurt him, couldn’t stand to let him be hurt by anyone ever again. You couldn’t even handle the thought, every inch of you ached to be by his side, to be able to protect him in any way that you could. Tears pricked your eyes as your worry threatened to drown you and ash rained down, “I have to look for him, I can’t just leave!”</p><p>“Honey, please be logical. He is well-trained, this is what he does. I know you want to help him, but the best thing for him and you is to keep you safe! Now we need to move!” Carlos tugged on you again, spurring you into action.</p><p>The three of you took off running, it became glaringly apparent as adrenaline overrode your system that <em> Starkiller </em> was officially under attack from the Resistance, and it seemed like they were winning. Your heart sunk. When Kylo had mentioned the possibility of an attack you had naively assumed it was a future problem, evidently you were wrong. Fear clenched around your heart with a vice-like grasp, choking you with its paralyzing effect. <em> Kylo please let me know you are safe. Please. </em></p><p>Your heart sunk deeper at the lack of response. </p><p>Finally you arrived at your blessed escape. Panting from sprinting and the thick smoke you all piled into your assigned escape transportation. Naturally, you had made it so the three of you would be kept together, thank goodness. Many scared faces greeted you, but not half as many as there should be. Harsh reality began to set-in, this was not just about Kylo or you, there would be many lost lives today. </p><p>As you began to board the screaming increased, shrill and bone-chilling. Behind you a gravelly voice shouted “That’s the one, grab her!”</p><p>The screams suddenly made sense as you felt muscular arms wrap around your waist, roughly pulling at you and ripping your hands from Sienna and Carlos’. You screamed and flailed, fighting to get free of your mysterious captor.</p><p>“Let go of her!” Sienna cried.</p><p>Your friends desperately tried to pull you free, pulling at you fervently, slowing the man down. You watched in horror as more Resistance soldiers quickly moved to restrain them. “No you can’t take her! Please, she doesn’t know anything.” Carlos pleaded as he was held back.</p><p>You tried to make yourself a dead weight as a different tactic. They would have to drag you out by the skin of your teeth. Unfortunately it failed to deter him at all, more men instead simply stepped into help. As they hauled you out you began to sob, realizing fighting was useless. Sienna let out wild, heart-wrenching cries, beating her hands against the chest of the man holding her. Furious, Sienna bit down on his arm. She was promptly knocked out with the butt of a blaster to her head. Her lithe body crumpled to the ground in an unconscious pile. You shrieked, feeling nauseous, all of the fight leaving you as you let yourself be carried out of the hangar. It wasn’t worth risking your friends getting hurt. </p><p>As you turned the corner you lost sight of them, but could hear Carlos let out a final cry, “Y/N we <em> will </em> find you!” It did little to hearten you, as it was followed by his blood-curdling scream. A sound that would haunt you for nights to come.</p><p>Devoid of all feeling you barely registered your hands being restrained behind your back before being unceremoniously dumped on the floor of a ship.</p><p>“If you cause any trouble you will regret it, understand?” The man grumbled at you and you gave him a slight nod. </p><p>You worked to get to your feet as the ship began to rumble, readying for take-off. Face pressed to the window, you cried out in despair and shock as <em> Starkiller </em> and the whole planet of Ilum began to crumble. It was surreal, you watched as your home fell in on itself before finally exploding outward in a terrible burst of flame. </p><p>Silently, tears began to stream down your face, as if your body had processed what was happening, but your mind and heart hadn’t quite caught up. </p><p>You could only form one coherent thought.</p><p>
  <em> Kylo, Kylo, Kylo. </em>
</p><p>There was no answer.</p><p>It figured. The second you lost him you realized what you denied all along. You were irrevocably and helplessly in love with Kylo Ren.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Greater Good</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/76WRHOINx2bIcOgnwBKydI?si=9822349ccbd74e44</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You cowered in your cell, fighting uncontrollable shivers. The cold had long since seeped in your bones and seemed to have made its home there.</p><p>They had dumped you here two days ago, but you were determined to follow Kylo’s orders, you would fight this. At least when someone was watching. </p><p>But right now you were blissfully alone and forgotten, and you could let the fear and despair show. Your bones ached and your brain felt fried. Every time you closed your eyes to try to escape your reality you were haunted by the image of Sienna’s lifeless body and the sound of Carlos’ screams. Your only comfort was that you were almost certain Sienna and Carlos were safe. You clung to that knowledge like a moth to a flame, trying desperately to warm yourself with this small morsel of hope. </p><p>You dropped your head in your hands, trembling as you shed more tears for the loss of literally everything you had. They felt never-ending. <em> How did I get here? I never thought anyone noticed me, I thought no one would ever care and I could just live out my life in anonymous peace. And yet now I am collateral in a war I don’t even fight for</em>.</p><p>Your thoughts were interrupted as footsteps echoed down the hall. Quickly you gathered yourself together, set on not allowing your cracks to be seen.</p><p>“Y/N?” A tender man’s voice called out, sounding oddly familiar. </p><p>As the man materialized before your barred door you realized why and your heart sunk to the pit of your stomach. “Anik,” you whispered in disbelief. There was only one reason he could be out there while you were in here. “Why? Why would you do this?”</p><p>“Y/N I am so sorry, I know this must be confusing. I...I never meant to hurt you, you have to know that.”</p><p>You grit your teeth as bitterness filled you with his betrayal, “a terrible way to show it, really,” you gestured at your cell.</p><p>“I know, I know Y/N and I am so sorry! You are not supposed to even be in here. I told them you were a good one, just misguided by Kylo Ren.”</p><p>“Excuse me?<em> Misguided</em>?”</p><p>He cringed, “I know you have been...seeing him. I figured it out eventually. But that isn’t you! I know you Y/N, you aren’t like him, you aren’t like the others. You’re like me...like the Resistance.”</p><p>Your head was spinning as he unlocked your cell, opening the door to join you inside. You eyed the open door behind him but quickly decided trying to run was useless. You didn’t even know what planet you were on, let alone have the energy. You were drained from seeing your home obliterated and being ripped from the man you loved—you were not even certain he was still alive anymore. On top of everything you were now facing whiplash from Anik’s betrayal, quickly coming to terms with the fact that Anik was a Resistance spy and it seemed he had somehow deluded himself into thinking selling out your relationship with Kylo was a rescue mission instead of a stab in the back. </p><p>Your heart began to ache, “Anik I am not like anyone, I am just me! Please, just let me get back to my friends.”</p><p>“Back to Kylo?” He spat, disdain evident.</p><p>You tried to be understanding, whispering tenderly, “yes Anik, back to Kylo.”</p><p>“He is a murderer! He’s evil Y/N! I don’t know what he did to brainwash you…”</p><p>Whatever resolve was left in you snapped, “Anik <em> you </em> and your precious Resistance murder people! Innocent people! You just destroyed my only home, do you just think everyone there miraculously survived that?”</p><p>“It was for the greater good.”</p><p>“Ugh not this. Just because something is for the ‘greater good’ doesn’t mean you should stop caring about each individual.”</p><p>“Of course each individual counts, but we can’t afford to think that way. It’s about trying to do the most good possible.”</p><p>You scoffed, “oh that’s just rich. What about me then? I’m a member of the First Order.”</p><p>“That’s not the same. You’re not one of them.”</p><p>“But I am.”</p><p>“But you’re different.”</p><p>“Anik you know that’s bullshit.”</p><p>“It’s not!”</p><p>“So if you didn’t know me, like you don’t know most of the people in the First Order, you’d be fine killing me for the ‘greater good,’ right?”</p><p>“That’s not what I said.”</p><p>“But it’s not <em> not </em> what you said either, is it?”</p><p>“I—“</p><p>You yanked at your hair in exasperation before letting out a sigh. “Who are you fighting for Anik? What are you fighting for? We need both light and dark. I wish people would stop arguing one over the other. They are two sides of the same coin. Please Anik, I know you are smart. You must know only if we can coexist will we have true peace.”</p><p>He shook his head, groaning in frustration. “Y/N I thought you would get it. You’re not like them, you shouldn’t be like them. I know you, you’re <em> good</em>.”</p><p>“I’m—”</p><p>Time stopped as Anik’s mouth crushed into yours. You froze as his unwanted kiss tried to coax you into submission. But it was all wrong. Nausea began to overtake you. Senses beginning to return you harshly shoved Anik off of you.</p><p>“What the fuck Anik?” You screamed, tears pricking your eyes.</p><p>He flushed, “I am sorry, that was inappropriate.”</p><p>“You fucking think?” You wiped at your lips aggressively, as if you could rub the stain of his offensive touch off of you. “I thought I made it clear to you Anik. I thought we were friends! This—” you motioned back-and-forth between you and him, “is never going to happen.” You rolled your eyes, “especially if kidnapping and deception is your idea of wooing a girl.”</p><p>He sighed, “Y/N, please, I am your friend.”</p><p>“Again,” you made a sweeping gesture to your cell, “funny way of showing it.”</p><p>He shook his head, “I just have one question for you.”</p><p>You gave a tight-lipped smile, “oh please ask away, I’m an open book.”</p><p>“If you weren’t born into the First Order whose side would you be on?”</p><p>You opened your mouth but no words came out. It was a question you had never considered, never cared to. You just wanted to live a happy life of your own choosing. A simple life, work you were passionate about and someone to love. All of these politics complicated this fantasy, barred you from it. And somehow you were now entangled in the middle of it.</p><p>“Let me know when you decide,” his voice had softened, “and I will send someone to get you a real room of your own.”</p><p>You declined to respond, waiting until his footsteps completely disappeared before once again breaking down in tears.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will say it for everyone, fuck you Anik.<br/>Let me know what you think! I tried to foreshadow this a bit but didn't want to make it too obvious :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. I Don't Know a Ben</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=e5842b983f7b424b<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6atZCdBGa3A5S4PvonN7YV?si=f8da1d556ca3473e</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anik kept his promise, you were moved to a very nice room and even invited to join in meetings and meals, but you preferred to be alone. It wasn’t what Kylo had advised but you weren’t ready to cooperate yet, especially when you didn’t even know if he was still alive. Your hope dwindled for Sienna and Carlos, your optimism eaten away every night while their screams plagued you in your nightmares. Anik’s unsolicited kiss haunted you like a phantom on your lips. The only relief you had was Kylo’s shirt, which you had been wearing the day you were kidnapped. His faint smell clung to the fabric, offering some comfort.</p><p>However, keeping yourself isolated as you were made being hungry difficult, as you had to sneak into the kitchen at awkward times to eat.</p><p>Two weeks passed with no human contact, and you had gotten pretty good at knowing when the kitchen was empty. Stomach growling, you snuck in only to be startled by a woman baking. She stooped over a bowl, gray hair swept into a neat bun, a braided crown across her scalp. She hummed as she worked, each motion having an extra bounce to it. With a refined elegance she poured a brown liquid into the bowl, when the scent reached your nose it was like a slap to the face, automatically tears pricked your eyes. </p><p>“Vanilla,” you breathed out, the sweet scent that always laid underneath Kylo’s cinnamon, leather, and ember aroma finally having a name. You had barely let yourself think too much of him, the pain too much to bear. This small reminder caused a fresh flood of hurt, so poignant you felt as if it might be easier to swim down, to drown in it rather than fight.</p><p>The short woman turned toward you, not seeming surprised at all that you had been observing her. Taking you in, she gave you a tight, knowing smile, “come dear child, bake with me.”</p><p>Inexplicably drawn to her and desperately needing a distraction, you listened.</p><p>You worked quietly beside her, following her gentle directions. When all was finally done, she turned to you, “would you like to walk with me?” </p><p>You gave a slight nod, not yet ready to leave her comforting presence. In companionable silence you ventured with her, whatever moon you were on was warm and lush. </p><p>“Come, sit with me,” she beckoned to a log, compelled, you joined her. You were uncertain why, but you felt an urge, a need to listen to her. </p><p>For a few moments she stared at you, eyes scanning your face as if she was searching your very soul. You allowed her to stare, taking your own time to observe her. Her eyes were rimmed red, holding signs of deep wisdom and fresh grief.</p><p>She gave a soft smile, “so, you are the one my Ben loves.”</p><p>Caught off guard and befuddled, you questioned, “excuse me? I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t know a Ben.”</p><p>She pursed her lips, “ah, forgive me. Ben is my son, but I suppose he is better known now as you know him, Kylo Ren.”</p><p>Shock struck you, you couldn’t even begin to process her words, they didn’t make any sense.</p><p>“Take a breath child, I didn’t mean to give you a fright.’</p><p>You swallowed thickly, trying to comprehend what she was saying. But if this woman was his mother…”is he alive?” You blurted before squeezing your eyes shut, afraid of what she would say.</p><p>“You really do love him,” she sounded surprised, cautiously you peeked open your eyes, “yes, we believe he is alive.”</p><p>You breathed a sigh of relief. <em> Thank the Maker</em>.</p><p>“What did my son tell you about himself, about who he was before he became Kylo Ren?”</p><p>“That’s not really my story to tell.”</p><p>Her eyes softened, “honey, I am his mother, I know his story. I just want to know what parts you are missing.”</p><p>Your face heated, “oh, of course…well he mentioned he was training to be a Jedi before someone tried to kill him, sensing darkness within him.”</p><p>“That would be his uncle, my brother, Luke Skywalker.”</p><p>“Skywalker?” The name was both famous and infamous.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>You gaped, “then that means you’re—”</p><p>“General Leia Organa, pleased to meet you.”</p><p>Your brain was whirring, pieces falling into place. “And that makes Darth Vader his...his…”</p><p>“Grandfather, that’s right.”</p><p>“Well that explains why he has the helmet.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Concern evident on Leia’s face you repeated softly, “he has Vader’s helmet.”</p><p>She shook her head, “my poor boy, he is so lost in his hurt, he can’t even see the irony. Tell me, young one, do you see light in him? Goodness?”</p><p>“Of course I do! He’s, well he’s...wonderful!” You were appalled at her question.</p><p>Leia let out a sigh of relief, “I knew it! I knew my Ben was still there.”</p><p>You bit your lip, “so why did Luke try to kill his own nephew, that’s insane!”</p><p>“He thought he was doing the right thing, and Ben woke up with his own uncle over him, poised to kill. He was still just a boy. He never gave Luke time to explain, never knew that Luke had changed his mind and wasn’t going to go through with it. Not that it justifies the thought in the first place but—” she let out a heavy sigh. “I digress. Ben then became so fearful of himself, and fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. And that is exactly what happened to him. But that is not who he is, that is not my son.”</p><p>The hurt in her voice tugged on your heartstrings, and so you laid a hand on her shoulder. “Your...Ben,” the name felt weird on your tongue, “Ben is still in there. I know he is, I have seen him.”</p><p>Leia looked at you, locking eyes, “he killed his father the day of the attack. It broke my heart, more than anything he had done before.”</p><p>Horrified, you dropped your hand. <em> That must have been the person he was talking about, but his father? Why? </em></p><p>As if sensing your question Leia continued, “he believed it was the only way to prove to Snoke that he wasn’t turning towards the light. He is always so afraid of being perceived as weak, as less-than.”</p><p>Tears began welling up. You were tired and confused by all this new information, and felt deep sadness for this whole family, “I am so sorry for your loss Leia, I can’t even imagine.”</p><p>“Thank you dear, meeting you has brought me hope. There is time for our Ben yet, we just need to get you back to him. I suspect it is only a matter of time before he comes for you.”</p><p>“He can’t! He will get killed or trapped! Or he will have to kill people to get to me, I don’t want that. I am not worth that.”</p><p>“That is why I am going to get you back to him, but no one can know that I helped with this.”</p><p>“Why...why would you do that?”</p><p>“Y/N, he is my son, my only child. I would do anything for him. He needs you back, he needs you to bring him to the light.”</p><p>“I can’t change who he is.”</p><p>“I am not asking you to change him, just to help bring out what is already there.”</p><p>“I don’t really believe in either side of this whole war, the light and dark. I think they must coexist.”</p><p>“Are you loyal to the First Order?”</p><p>You bit your lip, it was a question you internally battled often, “I am loyal only to myself.”</p><p> Leia pressed on, “do you believe in second chances?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“Then we are on the same side. If you can promise to try with him then I can promise to get you back to him.”</p><p>“And if I can’t save him?”</p><p>“You can never save someone unless they want to be saved, you can only—”</p><p>“Love and support them,” you whispered. It was a notion you deeply believed in, and Leia’s grin told you that she believed this too.</p><p>“It seems my son has good taste.”</p><p>You beamed at her, <em> Kylo’s mom likes me, who would have thought? </em>“So General, what is the plan?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Never Gray</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/2aksifNn5ph8igDOkPBA02?si=9c1567af048249ce</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For two more weeks you were kept, secretly working on a plan with Leia. She was wonderful, everything you had wished for in your own mother, strong and kind and warm in every way. Between planning she regaled you with stories of her late husband, Han. You listened with rapt attention, allowing her to grieve through reliving her memories of the roguish man she loved. </p><p>When not with Leia you spent your time reflecting on how your life had gotten to this point. In your head, you knew you could get information and smuggle it back to the First Order, directly to Kylo himself. But in reality, you didn’t mind these people, the Resistance. As you had told Anik, the Resistance and First Order were similar in a lot of ways, and you knew there to be good people in both. Hearing information would compromise your resolution to be neutral, to do no harm to either side—this wasn’t your war.</p><p>You had even seen the brunette girl who was interrogated awhile ago, recognizing her petite form. Named Rey, apparently. You were glad she seemed to be ok.</p><p>Today was the day you were going to execute your plan. Leia was going to take you to a remote spot on the moon, you were going to signal Kylo and she was going to pass it off as an escape she couldn’t stop. The utmost goal was that no one got hurt. </p><p>While you waited for Leia to retrieve you, you laid in bed once again wearing Kylo’s shirt. His scent had faded and you couldn’t wait to get the real thing. </p><p>Like they had often the past month, your thoughts drifted to him. </p><p>
  <em> I love him, that much is clear. But it is confusing too, because I am not sure if I should love him. All logic points to it being wrong, but gosh does it feel so right. I have never been in love...never romantically at least. Carlos’ and Sienna’s has been the only love I have ever received or reciprocated. My parents...well I wasn’t lying when I told Kylo there are conditions to the love in that relationship. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So what is the difference here? Why does what I have with Ky—Ben make it so confusing? When it is just the two of us, in our own little bubble, everything makes sense. It feels easy, it feels right.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And then the real world comes in. Or him or I get caught up with who we are “supposed” to be. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kylo is...well he is Kylo Ren. Commander of the First Order. Focused, near obsessed with power and how people perceive him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And then there’s me. Just some girl. A hopeless romantic and a hopeless people-pleaser. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> That is something me and Ky—Ben have in common though...the need to please, the need to be the best. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And I suppose maybe that was the initial draw. On paper, there is nothing to bring us two together except for sexual attraction, and even that is still surprising. And yet…</em>
  <em>and yet, somewhere in the months of back and forth we have carved out a sort of safe space together. Our own piece of peace, found not within bedroom walls or in each other’s arms, but in each other's presence. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When we are together, truly together, not focusing on anything else, it is like everything clicks. It just works. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t feel the need to please Kylo. And he certainly doesn’t feel the need to always please <strong>me</strong>.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Both of us speak our mind, and even though sometimes it is uncomfortable, both of us have grown with each other.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Like sandpaper, he has smoothed out my edges, the parts of me that were hurting and needed work, and I did the same for him. And it has been painful in some ways, to grow takes intense personal reflection and effort. Sometimes it’s easier to look in the mirror than it is to look inside.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And now here I am. I can’t lie, I have picked a difficult man to love. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But it hasn’t really felt like a conscious choice at all. For all my denial has been simply delaying the inevitable. For that’s what it is. It was inevitable that I was going to fall for him. I knew it from the moment he laid a hand on my shoulder. I was done for. And I have a sneaking suspicion that it was the same for him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> How was I supposed to know that it would lead to this?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kidnapped to act as bait? Implored by his mother to help him see the light? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> No, I couldn’t have guessed that at all. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He threatened to ruin me, to destroy me. And he has, but in a sense he has broken down my walls only to rebuild them, stronger and better than before. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Fire and ice, black and white. </em>
</p><p><em> No—we are fire </em> <b> <em>and </em> </b> <em> ice, never water, thunder and lighting and torrential rain. And we definitely aren’t gray. No, never gray, my Ben and I. </em></p><p>
  <em> We are black and white and burning red. </em>
</p><p>A knock snapped you out of your ponderings. It was time to return home. Time to get back into the arms of the man you loved. You grinned as it dawned on you that those two things were synonymous at this point.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I got my second vaccine dose today! Such a relief I was so excited haha :D<br/>How is vaccine rollout where you are at? <br/>As always, comment or kudos or whatever you'd like--I love hearing your thoughts!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Home, Safe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=9f56bec4fefc41f0<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/55iD8DT35oFTd8mm7IjjSr?si=3ae910f198a3491b<br/>I fell in love with this song after watching Skam, if you know you know. But if you don't know and want something new to obsess over Skam is incredible. It's a Norwegian show but there is places to watch with translations and it is undoubtedly one of the best things I have ever seen.<br/>Anyway, enjoy these softies.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fortunately, as a general, Leia did not have to really explain where she was taking you, let alone why. No one asked any questions. </p><p>Together, Leia and you set off on a speeder bike to a remote part of the flourishing, overgrown moon. The wind certainly helped keep the sweating at bay, but you would be glad to get rid of this humidity, too acclimated to the perpetual chill that went hand-in-hand with everything First Order. </p><p>In companionable silence, you swiftly rode. <em> What a shame that I can’t bring her back with me, we could be a kind of family, and Ben could so use his mother. </em> Your heart sunk, knowing that this dream was an unlikely future for you and Ben. Even if you had started to, in a small secret part of your heart, view Leia as your mother-in-law, or at least future mother-in-law. <em> No, flowers and frills of white don’t seem to be my destiny, not on this path I have chosen</em>.</p><p>Leia began to slow, and your heart began to race. After a month of waiting and many months beforehand of denial, you were soon to be reunited with the man you loved. Definitively and wholeheartedly loved.</p><p>Dismounting, Leia handed you a transmitter, you took it from her, hands trembling. </p><p>“Whenever you’re ready Y/N.”</p><p>Your thumb hovered over the button, doubt creeping in. “Why hasn’t he come for me sooner? He said he would, he promised he would. What if I am wrong about his feelings? What if he finally realized I am not worth the hassle?”</p><p>Leia placed a comforting hand on your shoulder, “if my reports are correct he was badly injured. In your heart do you truly think he wouldn’t come for you unless he couldn’t?”</p><p>You shook your head, <em> no, he would come</em>.</p><p>“He has been looking for you,” she murmured.</p><p>“He has?” Your eyes snapped to meet her chocolate ones, taken aback at finding them pool with unshed tears.</p><p>“For longer than you could possibly know, child.”</p><p>Taking a steadying breath you sent out a signal on her transmitter. Within minutes a ship loomed in the sky and your heart clenched. Leia gave you one last quick hug, her vanilla scent that she shared with her son soothing you, “if he asks, let him know...just let him know that I love him.”</p><p>“I will. Thank you for everything, I will do the best I can.”</p><p>With that she moved out of sight.</p><p>Clenching the transmitter for dear life you tried to focus on breathing. <em> In, out, in, out</em>. You felt dizzy as his ship landed, and then seemingly in slow motion the door hissed open, revealing Kylo Ren—Ben—in all his glory.</p><p>At an agonizingly slow pace he approached you.</p><p>A heavy moment passed as you stared at each other, not sure if it was real. Discerning it was truly safe and not a trap, he opened his arms and you took off in a run, jumping onto him, melting into him. Tears fell as his arms wrapped you tight. <em> Home, safe</em>.</p><p>He held onto you as your body trembled with emotion, but his eyes were trained on the tree line, as if sensing his mother’s presence.</p><p>Satisfied with whatever he had been looking for he carried you to his ship quickly. Once onboard you reluctantly pried yourself off of him and strapped yourself in to ready for take-off, he wasted no time getting distance from the Resistance. You understood the urgency, it would be devastating to be caught.</p><p>Finally, it appeared you were safe. You released a shaky breath as he turned the ship onto autopilot. Neither of you had spoken yet.</p><p>You followed his lead in taking off your seatbelt. Ben stood, you had almost forgotten how impactful his very presence was.</p><p>You heart pitter-pattered as he released his helmet with a hiss. Tears pricked at your eyes at the overwhelming feelings he stirred up in you. Your throat felt like it was closing and your stomach flip-flopped. You thought you might faint. So this was what being lovesick was like, it truly was a disease. </p><p>In a daze it took you a minute to process that Ben was crying too, and that a new jagged scar ran diagonally along his face. Shocked you jumped up, rushing to hold his face. “What’s wrong? What happened?” </p><p>His amber eyes glittered, but they were full of pain, “you said you would never leave again, and then they <em> took </em> you from me.”</p><p>“Hey hey, shh, I am here. I’m here.” You hushed him, wrapping him in your arms.</p><p>He let out a wracked sob, “they <em> took </em> you. I thought I had lost you.”</p><p>His crying set off your own, you murmured into his chest, wetting his robes “I know, I know. I thought I had lost you too.”</p><p>His arms gripped you tight, “my little one.”</p><p>“I’m here, I’m here.”</p><p>“And you won’t leave?”</p><p>His voice quivered and you adjusted to look up at him, locking eyes, “never.”</p><p>“Never,” he breathed reverently. Finally relaxing he held onto you as he sat back down, pulling you into his lap.</p><p>Compulsively your hands went to his hair, “would it be weird if I just wanted to stare at you and breathe you in forever?”</p><p>He chuckled, placing a gentle kiss on your brow, “not weird, but I do have some other plans now that I have you back where you belong.”</p><p>You raised an eyebrow. </p><p>“I thought we could go somewhere, just the two of us.”</p><p>“A vacation?”</p><p>“You could call it that.”</p><p>“How are you going to justify taking your administrator on a personal vacation? It’s not really the kind of job that requires traveling.”</p><p>He gave a hearty laugh, “of course Y/N, not even an hour of being free and your mind is on work.”</p><p>You blushed but then gasped, “wait...do I still have a job? Where are we living? How are Sienna and Carlos?”</p><p>“They are fine, great actually. Worried out of their minds about you. Carlos actually tended to me afterwards, especially with this,” he gestured to his scar, “ and Sienna full-on hunted me down and screamed at me while I was still in the medbay. Threatened to cut my dick off if I didn’t find you, which I don’t for a second doubt that she’d follow through with that. I believe Carlos had something to do with her finding me.” </p><p>You couldn’t help but giggle, “I would have loved to see that.”</p><p>He smiled, “and yes, you still have your job, if you want it. It will be a bit different now though. But first, vacation.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“You have an assistant, correct?”</p><p>“Sienna? Yes I do.”</p><p>“Then your work is covered, as it has been in your absence. Besides, I don’t need to justify my actions to anyone.”</p><p>“I need to see my friends first, but I would love to.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“You know I need to see them.”</p><p>He sighed, “of course love, anything.”</p><p>“Wait that means they have seen you without a mask!”</p><p>He chuckled, “Carlos was properly impressed, Sienna on the other hand told me she’d be more than happy to add to my scar collection if I hurt you.”</p><p>You giggled, “yup that sounds like Sienna, never swayed by a pretty face. She’s more interested in, as she puts it, the ‘substance of their character.’”</p><p>“No wonder she loves you so much then, you just happen to have both.”</p><p>You beamed, snuggling into him. “I’ve missed you so much Ben.”</p><p>He tensed, “please don’t call me that.”</p><p>“Ok...I’ve missed you so much...daddy.”</p><p>You glanced up at him, giving him a wicked smile. </p><p>He gave a tender kiss to your forehead, “you want to play baby girl?”</p><p>You nodded fervently, unashamed that after a month of separation and trauma you wanted desperately just to jump into bed and forget everything but him. You craved to have Kylo close enough for your scents to seep together, for his very essence to melt into your skin so you would never lose him again, to become one.</p><p>“You know I will always take care of you right?”</p><p>His question took you off guard, “yes...I know.”</p><p>“And you’ll be a good girl and listen for me?”</p><p>“Always!”</p><p>He tucked a loose piece of hair behind your ear, causing you to shiver. “My little one, you have been through so much. Let me take care of you first, then daddy will <em> take care of you</em>.” His voice came out in a growl, all his implications warming your core.</p><p>“Yes daddy.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Let Me Worship You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1kTPQnabROVkW9bUXdCGrB?si=eb1e4c44d2f44c1e<br/>More Taylor Swift! Can we talk about her Fearless re-release? I just adore her &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If either one of you had wanted to be back faster, you knew you could easily have gone into lightspeed. But there was no rush.</p><p>Kylo (you had decided to wait to broach the name thing) surprised you by taking you to the ship’s bathroom, which happened to have a beautiful, large bathtub. </p><p>You giggled as he began to fill the tub, “what’s with you and baths?”</p><p>“What? You don’t like them?”</p><p>“No! I love them, you’re just such a hidden softie.”</p><p>You let out a surprised yelp as he pulled you close, holding you tight. </p><p>“Wow I guess you really missed me, huh?”</p><p>He gave a shaky laugh. “let’s get you out of these clothes.”</p><p>Like a child you simply lifted your arms high in the air.</p><p>You grinned, causing Kylo to chuckle, “that helpless are you?” He quickly pulled your shirt off, giving pause when he realized what shirt he was holding.</p><p>“That saved me,” you whispered.</p><p>His eyes searched yours, and he caressed your cheek gently, as if you might break, “my brave little one, no one is taking you from me again.”</p><p>Tears welled up in your eyes, and he quietly undressed the rest of you before picking you up and reverently placing you into the silky water. </p><p>You sighed in contentment, closing your eyes. You startled when warm water was poured onto your hair, eyes shooting open. “Shh,” Kylo hushed you, “just relax.”</p><p>“You’re not coming in?”</p><p>“I told you I would take care of you, now let me worship you.”</p><p>That shut you up quick. The exhaustion of the past month began to settle in and you let Kylo’s sure hands coax you into relaxation.</p><p>You gave a soft smile as he began to work shampoo into your hair, the cinnamon scent tickling your nose and making you nostalgic.</p><p>You whimpered as he worked it into a lather, his nails gently scraping your scalp, sending chills down your body.</p><p>After washing out the shampoo he moved to add conditioner and began working out the knots in your hair. His gentleness took you off guard, as it often did.</p><p>While you had been gone you had slightly neglected your hair, it just seemed too arduous of a task to take on on top of everything else. Unfortunately that meant your hair was now full of knots, yet Kylo raised no complaint, he simply worked on them like it was the most important task.</p><p>Your heart began to pitter-patter, it felt like it might burst. You had never done anything so intimate. Sure, Kylo could contort you right and left and leave you a hot mess or even whisper sweet nothings, but this, <em> this</em>. It was bliss. No one had ever taken the time to make you feel so cherished, to feel so important, to feel so <em> loved</em>.</p><p>“I missed you too,” you whispered.</p><p>He paused his movements, “I know.”</p><p>You turned slightly to look him in his amber eyes, “I missed you <em> so </em> much.” You choked back a sob, “when they took me from you…”</p><p>“Shh, hush little one. I’m here now, you’re safe.”</p><p>You nodded and turned back letting him continue. </p><p>“Lean forward a bit Y/N.”</p><p>You obeyed and let out a whimper when he began to massage your shoulders, they were incredibly tight and his hands felt amazing.</p><p>“I missed you too, more than you could possibly know. When they took you it felt like my world was ending.”</p><p>“Do you mean that?”</p><p>“Of course I do Y/N, I was a wreck while you were gone. You can ask anyone when we get back, I was horrid. They had to knock me out multiple times in the medbay because I was so rabid trying to get to you.”</p><p>You swallowed thickly, “I thought my world was ending too, when I reached out to you and you didn’t answer I...I—” you choked, voice thick with emotion.</p><p>“Y/N—”</p><p>“No I need to say it,” the tears that had been threatening finally began to spill, “I thought you were <em> dead</em>,” you sniffled, “I didn’t even find out you were alive until two weeks after the attack.” </p><p>Kylo quickly moved to cup your face, using his thumbs to brush away your tears, “hey, I’m here, I’m here.”</p><p>You began to bawl in full. “And I thought that you had died before I could tell you that I—”</p><p>You gulped, biting your lip. </p><p>“That you what?”</p><p>You shook your head, not ready to admit the depth of your feelings quite yet. You had just got him back, you were afraid that he’d push you away again if he knew how much you felt for him. Or even worse, that he’d deny you, certain that no one could love him. That one hurt more than any rejection he could give you. It was twisted, but to you it would be better if he didn’t love you back than him not accepting your love.</p><p>Thankfully he didn’t press you on what you were going to say. Instead he simply finished washing your hair. </p><p>Helping you out of the tub he wrapped you in a fluffy towel and carried you to the bed, laying you down like you were a divine being. </p><p>Sleep threatened to overcome you, you didn’t want to disappoint him so you tried to fight it but it was as if your body registered it was now safe and could finally calm down. </p><p>Kylo brushed a piece of wet hair out of your face and your eyelids fluttered shut. After a few moments he whispered so softly the next day you were certain you dreamed it, “I love you my little one.”</p><p>Kylo smiled down at you. You were fast asleep, utterly spent from keeping yourself together for so long. Planting a tender kiss on your brow, Kylo murmured, “sweet dreams my love.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So soft &lt;3 Let me know what you think!<br/>Smut is coming I swear!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Playing With Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=009f9ef654734eee<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6l0Ky2PycJV1Bz88kFeVGL?si=a0b3587e6b02412c</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You woke up with Kylo’s arms wrapped tightly around you, as if he was afraid you’d somehow disappear while he was sleeping.</p><p>You sighed, admiring his sleeping form. Now that you were well-rested you took time to look at his scar. </p><p><em> That must have been insanely painful</em>.</p><p>The scar was jarring, you couldn’t imagine being hurt that way. There was little that could mar Kylo’s beauty though. But it did make you sad. Sad that someone would hurt him like this. Sad that he probably thought he deserved it somehow. Sad that he feared your abandonment so much that it seeped into his dreams. Sad that no one else knew this Commander, the sweet and caring one.</p><p>As you laid in his arms your eyes took in your surroundings in a new light. Yesterday you were too tired and relieved to see much but Kylo. But now the disarray was evident, gashes obviously created by a lightsaber littered the room. It seemed Kylo had haphazardly tried to cover his outburst, but the items of clothing strewn about were what had drawn your attention to the destruction—he was usually meticulously neat. Your heart sunk. How much pain was he keeping inside?</p><p>Carefully you wiggled out an arm from his tight grasp to place your fingers on the new scar, tracing the jagged line gently. <em> How awful. Who would do this to him? </em></p><p>It was sometimes hard for you to remember that the man you shared a bed with was also a ruthless killer, one who was feared and hated by many. That idea caused a cognitive dissonance for you, it was a side of Kylo you had barely ever seen. </p><p>Your hand drifted lazily to his luscious locks, an idea striking you as his silken tresses slipped through your fingers. You shimmed down, out of his arms completely. You kept going until you were laying between his thighs.</p><p><em> Gosh I really missed this</em>. That thought caught you off guard. But it was true—you missed Kylo, all the sweet and lovely things about him—but it felt nice to be back to this, back to allowing someone else to be in control. You didn’t want to think about the past month. Didn’t want to relive the destruction of your home. Didn’t want to dwell on the betrayal of a friend.</p><p>You wanted to be here, now. </p><p>Pleasing the man you loved. This was simple.</p><p>You grabbed his shaft, licking swirls along the tip before beginning to work his length into your mouth.</p><p>Slowly you felt him stir.</p><p>He lifted the sheets, and you gazed up at him, mouth full of cock.</p><p>“You don’t have to do that.”</p><p>You paused your ministrations. <em> Don’t have to? That was an unexpected reaction</em>.</p><p>“You have been through a lot baby, I just want you to relax and feel safe again.”</p><p>You furrowed your eyebrows, feeling dejected and a bit confused. Did he—the guy who told you multiple times that you were simply a vessel for his pleasure—just reject your offering of vesselhood?</p><p>Still—you didn’t know how to respond to his statement because he was right. It felt wrong to assert that you were fine just so you could shove his dick down your throat. You had to admit it wouldn’t help your case to convince him of your stability by arguing to give a blowjob.</p><p>However it didn’t get rid of the fact that you were horny and desperately wanted him to jump your bones. </p><p>You laid your head on his leg, pondering while absentmindedly drawing little patterns on his thigh. </p><p>“Careful little girl, you’re playing with fire down there.”</p><p>You paused your movements smiling to yourself. You’d just have to seduce him, show him that you were ready, willing, and waiting.</p><p>He stretched and you moved to lay on his chest.</p><p>“Can I be honest?” He murmured.</p><p>“Always,” you looked up at him curiously.</p><p>“I’m surprised you came back.”</p><p>“Why are you surprised?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t blame you. I just figured you’d like the Resistance, I know you’re not necessarily loyal to the First Order, you just happened to be born into it and…”</p><p>You placed a hand affectionately on his face, “I’m loyal to you. I came back for you.”</p><p>He smiled, sunshine bursting through the clouds. </p><p>“Ok time for food,” you wiggled out of his arms, grabbing one of his shirts to throw on. He raised an eyebrow at you, noting your lack of underclothes, you simply winked before heading to the ship’s kitchen.</p><p>Loyally he followed you, joining you in eating an assortment of fruits at the small table.</p><p>“What about Anik?” he mumbled, avoiding your eyes.</p><p>“Whatabouthim?” you asked, mouth full.</p><p>“You liked him, he is a good guy, besides being Resistance. I know how he feels about you, he could be good for you.”</p><p>You raised an eyebrow, swallowing before answering, “he is a good guy, aside from the whole stabbing me in the back thing...but Kylo?”</p><p>He looked up at you anxiously.</p><p>“Kylo, I like <em> you</em>, I like you a lot.”</p><p>He fidgeted before beginning to stammer, “and I...I lo-“</p><p>You stopped him, “it’s ok, you don’t need to say it back. I know you do.”</p><p>He fixed you with a peculiar expression before smiling and nodding. It left you thinking maybe you’d been too quick to cut off whatever L-word he was trying to say.</p><p>
  
</p><p>You were frustrated, it was evening already and still Kylo hadn’t ravished you like you wanted. Sure, he had given plenty of longing glances, you caught him eyeing you every time you bent over, and you had been purposefully bending a lot. Yet every time he was caught he’d just smile at you and shake his head.</p><p>Now, after hours of trying, you were ready to forgo being subtle.</p><p>He sat on a couch, working. You were cozy in bed, doing some reading before stopping to observe him quietly. He was immersed in his work, completely focused. You decided now was the time to strike. Coyly you put down your book on the nightstand before standing up and giving a big stretch.</p><p>He didn’t look up.</p><p>You moved over to the open space in front of him, making sure to face away from him before going through basic stretches.</p><p>It was only when you had your legs spread, reaching to touch your toes, that you felt a tingling sensation. You could tell his eyes were on you and you smirked as you felt the fabric of his t-shirt pulling up, revealing your bareness to him. </p><p>He cleared his throat and you turned, feigning innocence, “oh hi there, I didn’t mean to interrupt you—I just am so tense today.” You smiled sweetly, stretching your arms to the ceiling until you could feel that his t-shirt was dangerously pulled up high on your thighs.</p><p>“I know what you are doing and it’s not going to work.”</p><p>You dropped your arms, crossing them in front of you protectively.</p><p><em> How do I tell a man who is doing his best to be kind and considerate—a man who is being kind and considerate </em> <b> <em>for</em> </b> <em> me even though it is against his nature—that I appreciate it, but would love if he would stop being so wonderful and just— </em></p><p>“If you want me to fuck you all you have to do is ask little one.”</p><p>You flushed, <em> right the thought thing, it has been a while. </em></p><p>“Yes the...thought thing,” he stated dryly, “so are you going to ask for what you want?”</p><p>“I think you mean beg.”</p><p>“I have to admit it would be preferred,” he said with a lopsided smile.</p><p>You rolled your eyes good-naturedly. “Please fuck me?”</p><p>His smile crumbed into a conflicted look of concern, you cocked your head at him, confused at his reaction.</p><p>“I can’t Y/N.”</p><p>You lowered your shoulders, feeling deflated, you never had been rejected by him before—not like this. “Why not?”</p><p>He sighed, “I want you, please don’t think I don’t want you. But I haven’t had you in a month and I don’t know if I can control myself...I need to have you, I want you so badly...<em> so </em> badly,” he grimaced, as if physically in pain from restraining himself from you, “but I’m afraid that I will be too rough.”</p><p>“Oh!” You gave a sigh of relief, “that’s ok, I am not afraid of you.”</p><p>“But little one after all you’ve been through you deserve something gentle and sweet.”</p><p>You placed a hand lovingly on his face, softly thumbing his new scar, “and after all you’ve been through you deserve gentle too. We might <em> deserve </em> gentleness, but I don’t want ‘gentle’ and I know you don’t want gentle. Gentle is not for us.”</p><p>“But you should have gentle! I’m telling you little one that you should have a man that will treat you softly—with kindness and tenderness like you deserve. You’ve been through so much and I want to at least go 24 hours without something hurting you— and the only thing here that could possibly hurt you is me! I’m trying my best not to, to be good for you. I am trying to give you what you deserve to be who you deserve. And yet I can’t help but want to tear you apart and mark you as mine.” He looked at you, distraught. His voice dropped to a hush, “I am beginning to fear that I only know how to destroy. I can’t afford that with you. I just can’t.”</p><p>“What if I want that?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>You moved to embrace him, “sometimes things need to be destroyed to be built back better Kylo. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, it in and of itself it tells me I am at no risk of being hurt by you. Now I am telling you to please stop telling me what I deserve and let me decide that for myself, ok? And right now I want you so stop being nice and fuck me!”</p><p>Kylo sighed, raking his fingers through his hair.</p><p>You smirked coyly at him,  “destroy me daddy.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Kylo muttered, fists curling and unfurling as he grappled with his own withering self-restraint.</p><p>You feigned pouting, “haven’t I been a good girl?”</p><p>His eyes were wild, the untamed beast fighting to come through.</p><p>You bit your lip, “hm or maybe you want me to be a bad girl?” At a tantalizingly slow pace you brought a finger to your already bare pussy before dragging it across your slit. Bringing your finger to your mouth you made a grand display of the shiny evidence of your want and need. You watched him crumble before your eyes while you suckled your finger lewdly, letting out a wanton moan.</p><p>With no warning you were flung across the room, back hitting the wall so hard it took your breath away.</p><p>“You fucking slut!”</p><p>You grinned as he made determined strides towards your frozen body. Game on.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Utterly Possessed*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/1R0a2iXumgCiFb7HEZ7gUE?si=4717d53181814dda</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His mouth crushed against yours, and you responded eagerly to his harsh touch. His hands were instantly all over your body, petting and pawing aggressively. </p><p>He moved to nip your ear, causing you to whine.</p><p>His breath was hot against your cheek, sending chills down your spine. “Damn you! Damn you, you are such a fucking whore do you know that Y/N? Such a fucking little tease,” he whispered, mouth trailing soft kisses down your neck.</p><p>“Only for you Kylo,” you whimpered.</p><p>“You know what I want to hear, don’t go all innocent on me now baby girl.”</p><p>You squeezed your eyes shut.</p><p>“Don’t do that, don’t act like you don’t like it now. You want to play the game, you have to follow the rules. Now try again.”</p><p>You sighed, giving yourself to depravity, “I am only a slut for you, daddy.”</p><p>“That’s fucking right. You are mine. I try to be <em> decent</em>, I try to even be kind and <em> considerate</em>. But that’s not good enough for you, is it?”</p><p>You whined at his lustful words.</p><p>“I’m going to tear you apart and you’re going to fucking thank me for it little girl.”</p><p>Savagely he ripped your shirt, his shirt, open before latching onto your neck again. Kissing and sucking until blood vessels burst along your neck and collarbone.</p><p>Still you were held captive by the Force, powerless against his attack. </p><p>His touch lightened as he moved on to worshiping your breasts, “when I get done with you there won’t be any part of your body that isn’t utterly possessed by me.”</p><p>“Yes,” you breathed.</p><p>“You’d like that baby girl?” </p><p>He latched on to a nipple eliciting a moan from you, “yes please, that is all I want.”</p><p>You tried fruitlessly to rub your thighs together, desperate for friction.</p><p>Knowing your needs Kylo dropped to his knees and you held your breath as he kissed along your thighs, sucking until he made certain that there would be marks left in your delicate skin.</p><p>“It has been too long since I have eaten that sweet pussy of yours,” he brought his mouth to your aching core, you moaned out as he laved at you, drinking you in like his personal ambrosia.</p><p>He released your hips from his hold, but kept control over the rest of you. Desperately you arched to writhe against his face.</p><p>He worked slowly, licking wide strokes before sucking at your sensitive bud. </p><p>You bit your lip, holding back a whimper, “daddy please!”</p><p>“Tell me what you need darling,” he murmured into you, inserting one of his large fingers into you.</p><p>“My arms please, I need my arms,” you craved to touch his hair, to have something to hold onto as you rode through the pleasure.</p><p>He ignored your plea, leaving you frozen even as your body screamed at you to move. It was odd to be trembling on the inside but forced still on the outside.</p><p>“Daaaddy,” you whined.</p><p>“So tight, always so tight and good for me,” he growled as he began to work a second finger into you.</p><p>Your moans reached a new urgency. You were desperate and still he was unrelenting.</p><p>He added a third finger, increasing the intensity of his movements. Finally, as your orgasm began to climb he released your arms. Immediately your hands went to his soft mane, uncaring as you tugged on his hair roughly. </p><p>“Yes yes, I am going to cum!” you screeched and your climax overtook you. If the Force hadn’t been holding you up you would have certainly fallen. </p><p>Kylo wasted no time, making good on his promise to wreck you. He let go of his control of your body, taking it himself. His body pinned you to the wall before he lifted your leg up and began to rut into you aggressively.</p><p>You let out a yelp, still sensitive from his mouth and lack-of-use over the past month. </p><p>“That’s right take it baby. I know you love it, the greedy slut you are.”</p><p>You whimpered.</p><p>“Missed this cock didn’t you? No one can give it to you like I can, isn’t that right Y/N?”</p><p>“No, no, no one else daddy, only you.”</p><p>“That’s right, you are going to be a good little girl and cum for me again.”</p><p>You looked at him, alarmed. “It’s too soon I can’t!”</p><p>“Yes you can baby, you will.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Just relax and enjoy, I will get you there.”</p><p>You didn’t have much choice but to put your trust in him, after all, it was evident that he knew how to work your body better than you did.</p><p>His lips caught yours as he hoisted you up, hands digging into your ass while the wall supported you.</p><p>His kisses bordered on violent, peppering your lips with a mix of sweet kisses and wild nips.</p><p>It was as if you released the floodgates, there was no use fighting, might as well ride the wave that was Kylo. So close to your last release, you quickly came again, body wracked by a quick but intense orgasm.</p><p>Still in the throes of your release Kylo unceremoniously picked up your limp body, tossing you onto the bed.</p><p>“Ass up for me,” he ordered.</p><p>It was hard to move after all he had already put you through. Part of you wanted to just stay lifeless on the soft, welcoming bed, yet you somehow mustered up the strength, ready to obey.</p><p>Abruptly his hands were on your, caressing and kneading you. </p><p>“So fucking gorgeous little one, you are so beautiful.”</p><p>You smiled into the sheets.</p><p>“And all mine,” his hand fell onto your bare flesh in quick succession. You cried out at his smacks and the stinging pain he left behind.</p><p>“That’s what you deserve you little tease.”</p><p>Slowly he inserted himself back into you, this time with a bit more gentleness. It was pleasurable, just having him inside you. Soothingly he ran his hands over the skin he had just attacked.</p><p>“Red looks good on you,” he remarked, “are you ready?”</p><p>“Yes,” you murmured. Ready for what? You couldn’t be sure.</p><p>It became evident when his large hands gathered your hair, pulling until your eyes faced the wall. And then he began to move.</p><p>It was passionate, it was wild and untamed. He fucked you without relent, tugging on your hair, drawing tears from your eyes.</p><p>“You’re being such a good girl for your Commander, for your daddy.”</p><p>You wailed in response, too incapacitated to speak.</p><p>Suddenly your head fell back into the pillow, released from his grasp.</p><p>He flipped you onto your back before entering you again, spreading your legs to wrap over his shoulders as he moved at an achingly slow pace.</p><p>Kylo stared down into your eyes with almost a look of...adoration?</p><p>You bit your lip under his intense gaze. This felt different, this was intimate. </p><p>“You are beautiful too Kylo, so beautiful. And all mine.”</p><p>He brought his lips to yours. This kiss was soft, almost loving in the hesitancy and care.</p><p>At his touch you began to climb once again. He picked up his speed, mouth moving to your vulnerable breasts. You clawed your nails at his back, trying to hold onto something, leaving stinging cuts behind.</p><p>Kylo let out a snarl, “keep doing that little one.”</p><p>You didn’t have another option but to continue, lost in the throes of an impending orgasm.</p><p>“Kylo!”</p><p>“Yes little one, come on cum for me, cum on my cock.”</p><p>You were so close already, and then the phantom hand of the Force was on your clit.</p><p>You screamed in pleasure.</p><p>“That’s it baby, gonna fill you up.”</p><p>He moaned and you vaguely felt his warm release.</p><p>You were dimly aware that you were trembling in his arms, but you couldn’t open your eyes, so caught in a world of pleasure you let it wash over you let yourself be dragged under and drowned by it. </p><p>There was a scattering of affectionate kisses placed on your face. Several moments passed and you finally were able to come up for air. Fluttering your eyelashes open you were greeted by his honey-eyes, looking at you as if you were precious.</p><p>You beamed at him and he returned your smile. </p><p>You were sitting in his lap in an embrace. Still in a trance you tucked a loose lock behind his ear before breaking out in giggles at the state of his hair.</p><p>“We sure managed to make a mess didn’t we?”</p><p>He chuckled, “want to wash-up?”</p><p>“Is it bad if I say no? I’m fucking exhausted.”</p><p>“We can just bathe in the scent of sex and debauchery then.”</p><p>You scooted out of his lap, flopping back into the pillows before breathing in, “smells like us.”</p><p>He laid down beside you, smiling, “yes it does.” He pulled you close, “we will be back home tomorrow little one.”</p><p>You snuggled in closer mumbling, “am home.”</p><p>He gave you a tender peck on the forehead and then you were out like a light.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:D<br/>Tell me what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. It Felt Like Fate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=631a71492d2a4059<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/0XfOV7qY3834QpFVwOb6CC?si=6b01b8d664174034</p><p>I saw that someone liked the playlist! Makes me so happy to see someone is listening haha. I think it has good music but I am just a wee bit biased!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You screeched when you saw Sienna and Carlos waiting for your arrival. All decorum forgotten, you broke out into a sprint, tackling them to the floor. </p><p>You all burst into giggles as you hugged each other tight. </p><p>“Come on let's get off the tarmac, we need to show you our new room!” Sienna said, still giggling.</p><p>You hadn’t gotten very far when Carlos slowed, pulling the two of you into an empty corner.</p><p>“Before we get there though, do you want to talk about the last month? We want to do whatever is best for you,” Carlos said.</p><p>You breathed a shaky breath, pondering. “Honestly I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know if or when I’ll be ready to. I am ok though, I want you to know that. I was treated well.”</p><p>“How did they know about you?” Sienna asked.</p><p>“Anik betrayed me, he is a Resistance spy.”</p><p>They gasped. </p><p>“Shoot I liked the guy,” Carlos said.</p><p>“Me too,” you whispered.</p><p>“Well just know when or if you want to talk we are always here to listen.” Sienna wrapped you in a hug and Carlos followed suit.</p><p>It was silent for a pause as they took in the betrayal, after all Anik was their friend too.</p><p>“I just need to be distracted. That helps most.”</p><p>“Well I think we can provide that! We have some people to introduce you to, when you are ready of course,” Carlos smiled.</p><p>“People? What kind of people?”</p><p>Sienna wrapped an arm around your shoulder, “seems like your little emergency plan was as good as any matchmaking service.”</p><p>You furrowed your eyebrows, mind whirring. “Do you...do you two have partners now?”</p><p>They giggled in response. </p><p>“No <em> way </em>!” You shrieked, jumping up and down, “can I meet them right now pretty please? I am ready to, I want to.”</p><p>“Fine, fine you crazy, try to calm down,” Sienna elbowed you cheekily.</p><p>“Ok ok, I want to go meet these people who have stolen my friends’ hearts without ugly crying beforehand.”</p><p>Sienna and Carlos led you to the room they had been sharing in your absence, coed rooms weren’t allowed...usually. <em> Wow they must really have Kylo wrapped around their fingers.</em></p><p>Carlos typed in the code for the door and you tried to remain calm. You were both excited and nervous, <em> I hope they like me.</em> As you walked in you laid eyes upon your friends' partners sitting on the couch. Immediately they jumped to their feet.</p><p>“Hi,” you said shyly.</p><p>Carlos’ boyfriend reached out a hand for you to shake, “hello Y/N, I am Kai, it is so nice to finally meet you.”</p><p>You shook his hand, your smile growing wider as recognition washed over you. He was the chef who had been eyeing Carlos a few months back. Inconspicuously you tried to size him up. Kai dwarfed Carlos, he was broad and tall. Yet somehow nothing was intimidating about him. He had a warmth to his aura, and a lovely smile that reached all the way to his deep brown, almond-shaped eyes. </p><p>“It is so lovely to meet you as well! How’d you two meet?”</p><p>“Knife injury, I’m a cook onboard. Carlos fixed me up.”</p><p>You glanced at Carlos who grinned sheepishly, “can’t resist a hunk who can cook.” </p><p>You giggled and shrugged, “can’t blame you, I can't either!”</p><p>Carlos moved closer allowing Kai to loop an arm over his shoulder. They seemed like a perfect match. </p><p>“Can I introduce myself now?” The blonde girl asked. </p><p>You focused on her and were surprised and ecstatic to see it was the engineer Sienna had been “not dating” that was standing before you. </p><p>You grinned, “yes please do!”</p><p>While Kai had been calm to Carlos’ wild it was clear that Sienna’s new girlfriend was, well, the wild to Sienna’s wild.</p><p>She squealed, and wrapped you in a tight hug, “I am sorry I could not resist, I have heard so much about you!” She broke away from the embrace, “I am Julia! Sienna’s girlfriend can you even believe it?”</p><p>“I must admit I cannot, how did you pin her down?” You laughed.</p><p>Julia was bubbly, effervescent. Just as tiny as Sienna but with long blonde hair and blue-eyes, it was like they were two sides of the same coin. </p><p>“It was pretty tricky I’ll admit. Thanks to you we were on the same escape ship. Seeing your home blown to smithereens is a really good motivator to settle down a bit I guess?” </p><p>Sienna stuck out her tongue at Julia and everyone laughed.</p><p>A lot had happened in a month. </p><p>“Well Y/N we will have so much time to get to know one another. Kai is making tacos tonight!” Julia clapped her hands excitedly.</p><p>Everyone settled around the counter. “I will open the wine!” Sienna announced, pulling it down from the cabinet as Julia took out glasses. </p><p>“Pour mine to the rim!” Carlos declared while Kai started to pull ingredients out.</p><p>You smiled watching your friends and their new partners work together. It warmed your heart that they had found such wonderful people, but you couldn’t help but feel a little left out. <em> I wish my boyfriend was here too</em>.</p><p>Sensing your mood Sienna placed a glass of wine in front of you, giving you a squeeze, “I missed you so freaking much babe.” </p><p>A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. “Who could that be?” you wondered aloud while making your way to see.</p><p>You opened the door, letting out a mini gasp as you took in Kylo. He was maskless and dressed casually. Just a simple black tank top and jeans. Yet he still looked positively delectable.</p><p>You couldn’t form a coherent thought, luckily Kylo led the way. “Hi love, sorry I am late, it already smells great in here.”</p><p>Kylo gently grabbed your hand, walking to the counter where everyone else was gathered, waiting for an introduction. </p><p>“Everyone, this is um...my boyfriend…”</p><p>You searched for a name as Kylo began to speak “Ma-”</p><p>“Ben!” you blurted. Everyone looked at you. “This is my boyfriend,” you smiled, “Ben.”</p><p>Kylo’s velvety voice slipped into your mind, <em> bad girl</em>.</p><p>A shiver went through your body at his words.</p><p>Julia and Kai seemed mainly unfazed, but Carlos and Sienna both shot you with a questioning glance.</p><p>You simply threw up your hands and shrugged.</p><p>“Could you use any help?” Kylo looked at Kai expectantly.</p><p>“Sure dude that’d be great, could you chop the cilantro?”</p><p>Kylo smiled before going to work.</p><p>Carlos and Sienna gaped, staring at Kylo in utter shock. You giggled, remembering how odd it was the first time you saw your Commander cook, now it was just expected. You knew Kylo was a big softie, and it helped that your friends were finally seeing it too.</p><p>“How’d you two meet?” Kai asked, gesturing to you and Kylo.</p><p>“Shampoo,” you both said in tandem, causing everyone to laugh.</p><p>“Shampoo?” Julia grinned, “details please!”</p><p>“Why don’t you tell them Ben?” You prompted.</p><p>To your surprise he didn’t deflect, “well I ran out of shampoo, and so I searched for who I needed to talk to to get it. That of course led me to meeting our beautiful administrator, Y/N. She was confident and kind from the beginning. After that I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and seeking her out. It was simple really, the way we met, and yet it felt like fate.”</p><p>“Like it was meant to be,” Sienna breathed, entranced.</p><p>“Yes, I suppose you could call it that.”</p><p>Tears pricked your eyes at his admission and you couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off your face.</p><p>“Well I hate to ruin the gushiness of the moment but the tacos are ready! Come pick your toppings.” Kai said.</p><p>Everyone stood and Kylo came over to wrap his arms around your waist. “I have to go little one but I just wanted to drop by to say hello.”</p><p>You turned to face him, “did you at least eat?”</p><p>He avoided your gaze, flushing.</p><p>“I’ll pack some up for you,” Carlos volunteered.</p><p>He finished up, handing Kylo the wrapped food.</p><p>“Thank you,” Kylo said softly, overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and concern for him. He turned to address everyone, “well I am sorry I have to leave you so early but I have some business to attend to.” He leaned down to kiss you goodbye, “have fun with your friends, princess.”</p><p>Princess? That was a new one.</p><p>Everyone was silent for a moment before Sienna spoke, “well I will just say what everyone is thinking Y/N, he is <em> hot</em>. Damn.”</p><p>That caused everyone to laugh before normal chat resumed. However Sienna and Carlos kept glancing at you every now and then, obviously bursting with unspoken questions. </p><p><em> Later </em> you tried to tell them with your eyes. <em> Later</em>.</p><p>
  
</p><p>That later did eventually come, when Julia and Kai had left so the three of you could catch-up. </p><p>You were all relaxing on the couch when you broached the subject, “sooo…”</p><p>Carlos jumped in, “so much makes sense now, I mean I saw his face when I fixed him up but it was nothing compared to <em> that</em>. I too would climb up a red flag if it looked like that, sheesh!” </p><p>Sienna was uncharacteristically quiet.</p><p>“Sienna?” You questioned.</p><p>She sighed then murmured, “that boy loves you you know.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Come on Y/N you’re not stupid.” Carlos said, agreeing with Sienna’s statement.</p><p>“I mean he says he cares for me but I don’t know about…” you stuttered.</p><p>“Don’t delude yourself. He’s totally wrapped around your finger,” Sienna said. </p><p>“I guess he is.”</p><p>“You should see the state of this place, most has been repaired by now, but I have never seen him so angry and destructive. He tore this ship up…” she added.</p><p>“He did?”</p><p>“I...I offered him a sedative but he refused. He was a mess,” Carlos affirmed.</p><p>You were aghast, you knew it was bad, but he hadn’t let on how much things had gotten out of hand.</p><p>Sienna repeated, “he loves you.” </p><p>“And you love him,” Carlos asserted. </p><p>“Yes,” you breathed out with no hesitation. You did love him. It felt as easy to admit as it was to say your name. As easy as breathing.  Natural. Expected. Right.</p><p>Now you’d just have to figure out how to let him know that.</p><p>You bit your lip, pondering, “we are going on a vacation tomorrow...I am so sorry Sienna there must be so much work! I don’t have to go.”</p><p>She shook her head vehemently, “no it’s good! This is great! Before Kylo you barely took a break, let alone a sick day.”</p><p>“Besides it’s not like you were just skipping out, you were literally kidnapped. I’m pretty sure that falls under ‘unforeseen circumstances,’” Carlos added.</p><p>“And even with Kylo you have maybe missed what? Possibly two weeks in...six months?” Sienna asked.</p><p>“You guys are the best!” You squealed, before anxiously tugging at a stray piece of hair, “but...I have no idea where we are going, let alone what to pack.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, it’s taken care of,” Carlos said with a sly smile.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Sienna giggled and you fixed her with a questioning look. “Hey you aren't the only one who sneaks around with the Commander.”</p><p>You threw a pillow at them before you all dissolved into giggles.</p>
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<a name="section0046"><h2>46. I Feel it Too</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/2qxaR31Te4xDR2yO6LqM8z?si=9aea07df2d03456d</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It turned out your vacation spot was Naboo, a beautiful, lush planet.</p><p>But the surprises didn't end there, you squealed when you saw where you would be staying, tackling Kylo into a sloppy kiss before kicking your shoes off and running straight into the waves that lapped on your private beach.</p><p>The air was balmy and you laughed in delight as the salt spray hit your bare legs. </p><p>“Kylo come on! The temperature is perfect.”</p><p>He grinned bashfully at you, coming closer but still avoiding the water. You joined him, wrapping your arms around his waist. “Kylo this is amazing, thank you.”</p><p>“It is our six month anniversary after all.”</p><p>You looked up at him in astonishment, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “I have to say I was not expecting you to realize.”</p><p>He kissed your forehead, “let’s see the inside. Also…” he gulped, “you need to call me Ben while we are here.”</p><p>You nodded, understanding. You did not want to make a bigger deal out of it, so you grabbed his hand, pulling him excitedly to the grand house you were staying in. Finally you made it to the bedroom, you leaned against the wall while Ben took a seat on the large bed.</p><p>It was stunning, you let out a breath as you took it all in. “<em>Ben</em>, this is...it’s just wow,” you were speechless.</p><p>“I know. It belonged to Amidala—my grandmother,” his voice turned somber at her name.</p><p>“I am sorry that you never got to meet your grandparents, they seem like incredible people.”</p><p>“It is all right, I am used to it...I never truly have had a family.”</p><p>Waves crashed against the sand, a cool breeze stirring his hair. </p><p>You bit your lip before whispering, “your mom loves you, you know.”</p><p>“You can’t possibly know that”</p><p>“I do—she told me herself.”</p><p>He shook his head gruffly, “I am too much like my grandfather—and he destroyed her home, her whole family! I murdered her husband, my own father...” his voice hitched.</p><p>You laid a hand cautiously on his shoulder, “based on what I know of history Vader ended up revoking the dark side. Now I’m not saying you need to do that, but maybe—just maybe you don’t have to be all or nothing. ‘Cause from what I can see neither side is right. You should be allowed to feel, but don’t have to let it fester. Maybe it’s not so black and white.”</p><p>He stood and began to pace, voice raising, “I am not like you, Y/N. I am not a good person. You are pure sunshine, and I—I bring nothing but darkness and death and despair. I ruin things...I can’t be that person you want me to be.” </p><p>“I know you see me as light and yourself as dark...but no one is really one or the other. I don’t believe that. We aren’t all dichotomies of sunlight or shadows. I think we are more like a moon. We go through phases, light and dark, and sometimes people spend more or less time in each phase but—but no one is just one. We are multifaceted and complex.”</p><p>He stilled, facing you. Silence filled the room, overwhelming in its nothingness.</p><p>“I don’t know what you want from me!” He bursted out, resuming his seat on the bed and placing his head in his hands.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“What do you think I can possibly give you? A happily ever after?”</p><p>“Ben all I want is <em> you</em>. Caring about me. Satisfying me. Doting on me. I don’t need a grand gesture, I just want all of you. Can you do that?”</p><p>“I—” he hesitated, looking up at you helplessly.</p><p>This was it, you felt it crumbling down around you, blazing up in an all-consuming inferno. What you knew was inevitable had finally come, the waiting period was done, the other shoe had dropped. For what could you do if after half of a year, six months of your life he still didn’t care? </p><p>Tears began to stream down your face, “I can’t believe I was so <em> stupid</em>! To think that you... <em> you</em>! Of all people. I don’t know why I even hoped for a <em> second </em> that <em> maybe</em>—”</p><p>“Y/N…”</p><p>“It’s fine! I’ll just leave!” You sputtered out the words, choking on your sobs, “but this is the last time. It has to be the the last time.”</p><p>You turned to flee but slowed at Kylo’s whisper.</p><p>“What’d you say?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“Don’t leave, stay little one. I want you to stay. I always want you to stay. Even when it's hard.”</p><p>You walked over to him, joining him sitting on the bed. His pained tone compelled you to go back to him, his magnetic force always pulling you back in.</p><p>You laid your head in your hands in defeat, “we always do this.”</p><p>“We do,” he admitted reluctantly.</p><p>“And yet I keep coming back for more.”</p><p>He gingerly removed your hands from your face, instead holding them in his. “Hey, I come back too, you aren’t alone in this—I feel it too.”</p><p>You searched his eyes for answers, searching for a reason to flee, for a reason to feel stupid like you always did after being vulnerable, but all you saw back was unwavering adoration. </p><p>You laughed shakily, giving him a soft smile, “why are we even fighting again?”</p><p>He joined in your laughter, “we really are good at that aren’t we?”</p><p>Nodding you reached to brush a stray lock off Ben’s forehead, “I am good at running.”</p><p>Ben cradled your face, placing a kiss on your brow, “I am good at pushing you away.”</p><p>“I’m not sorry for what I said Ben.”</p><p>“I’m not sorry either.”</p><p>“That’s...ok I guess, we can have differing opinions and still be good.”</p><p>“I hear what you’re saying, I really do little one. I’ll try to be better.”</p><p>“I hear you too.”</p><p>You moved to kiss him, letting yourself melt into him. </p><p>Ben broke the kiss, his large fingers still wrapped in your hair.</p><p>“You can still run, you know,” he whispered, “I would understand.”</p><p>“I am not running. Not again, never again. I couldn’t even if I tried.”</p><p>He cocked his head, prompting you to continue.</p><p>“I feel like—I don’t know how to describe it—like my life used to be black and white. I did everything the same. I never took a risk. And it was good. I’m not complaining. I was happy, I was fine. I was going along, doing my job—completely satisfied. But I don’t know...I met you and it was like I was seeing color for the first time. Like everything just burst to life. Like someone shook me awake. That’s how this feels. And there’s no way I can go back.”</p><p>“I don’t want to go back.”</p><p>You grinned, “now what?”</p><p>“Well I actually had something planned for tonight, if you’re up for it,” he said swallowing nervously.</p><p>“What did you have in mind?”</p><p>“I want to take you on an actual date, the date you deserve.”</p><p>Your eyes widened, “a date?”</p><p>He chuckled “if you are up for it that is. We could always resched-”</p><p>“No no no, absolutely not,” you cut him off excitedly. “Ok, ok I need to calm down. What do I even wear? I need to shower! Oh my gosh I have no idea what Sienna and Carlos even <em> packed </em> me,” you whined already planning everything.</p><p>“Woah, woah, woah,” he grabbed your shoulders, stilling you. “All you have to do is get dressed up, leave the rest to me.”</p><p>You bit your lip, flushing, “could you—could you leave for a bit? I kind of want it to be a surprise”</p><p>He laughed, placing another kiss on your brow, “whatever you want little one, I will let you have your moment. Be ready in...an hour?”</p><p>“Make it two!” You giggled.</p><p>“Two?”</p><p>“Hey this is special! It is our first real date and all.”</p><p>He beamed at you, “take however long you need. I will just shower and get dressed quickly, then meet you downstairs. Deal?”</p><p>You squealed, throwing your arms around him gleefully.</p><p>He made his way to the shower and you immediately ripped open your suitcase.</p><p><em> Shit no wonder it was so light</em>.</p><p>There was a note:</p><p>
  <em> We packed all the necessary items. Be careful with the swimsuits—they are less for swimming and more for lounging around looking hot. Kind of like gift wrapping. If you need to swim I think you were born with the proper suit for this sort of occasion. Have fun! But not too much fun, I wouldn't want to see the spawn of Kylo Ren’s temper tantrums.—Love Sienna and Carlos </em>
</p><p>It seemed your friends had only packed lingerie and skimpy bathing suits. You dug through, rolling your eyes as you searched for some semblance of appropriate clothing. Your hand stilled, brushing over a luscious, blood-red fabric. You pulled it out feeling jittery, laying it out on the bed you smiled, thanking your friends silently. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Like an Empress*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=7a1e513d41bf4105<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/6Rxnq6T6b89rgQaDmzBF0l?si=e04a8d208a1b4ac4</p><p>Because this chapter is longer and because I am getting sad we are near the end I have decided to release just one chapter today. And in all honestly I forgot that I put off writing chapter 48--oops. I know it is going to be smut but I need to work on it lol. So if you have a smutty request let me know in the comments and maybe I can work it in!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The dress was pure magic. Yards of blood-red, shining fabric conformed to and flowed over your body like it was made just for you. Off-the-shoulder sleeves and a plunging neckline revealed your luscious skin. The dress fitted underneath your breasts, pushing them together until they appeared to defy gravity. The skirt shot out, traveling all the way to the floor, creating a small train. A daring slit that ended on the upper thigh completed the ensemble. You spun around in front of the vanity. Ben might keel over at the sight of you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When you walked down the stairs to meet Ben his eyes roamed over you in shock, causing them to practically pop out of his head. You stilled as he took you in, his amber eyes darting down your body hungrily, eyebrows raising at the scandalous amount of leg you were showing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You twirled slowly, allowing him to take you all in, you swallowed, “so...what do you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like an empress,” he breathed reverently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You took a moment to appraise him, “you don’t look half-bad yourself.” It was a gross understatement, he looked like a dream in a full-black suit. Your breath hitched as your eyes landed on his red tie, a hundred fantasies flitting through your mind at the sight. Ben let out a restrained groan, “you’ll be the death of me girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You grinned, mirth in your eyes, “and what a way to go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The restaurant was grandiose, shimmering lights encased in crystals set a romantic, soft atmosphere. The seats were plush and covered in luxurious velvet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wine poured freely to the sounds of a live pianist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was excess in every way possible, but everything worked together like a symphony—a montage of beautiful things selected to create absolute perfection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the food, oh the food. Course after course of bites of all sorts of rare delicacies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then in front of you was Ben, the one thing that whet your appetite the most in all of the galaxy. He looked positively delectable in his suit—you couldn’t wait to take it off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have some good friends,” his words ripped you from your lewd thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your friends, they are good people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You grinned, “I know, right? They are the best. I can’t believe you let them live together though, I thought co-ed wasn’t allowed,” you shook your finger at him good-naturedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well...I thought I might have to be more lenient on that particular rule if I want to break the rules myself…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He flushed, “I want you to move in with me, for real this time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You raised an eyebrow, “in your bed too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In our bed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You blinked slowly, dumbstruck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to say yes of course I just thought that—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes! Of course yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let out a breath of relief, “I even talked to Sienna and Carlos about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your face heated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They are fiercely protective of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm,” you smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why is that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um well—” you sputtered, caught off guard, “well...” suddenly a stray thread in your dress seemed very interesting and you began to tug at it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben gently grabbed your hand, stilling your fidgeting, “I’m listening.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You let out a sigh, “you know how I told you they befriended me by just sticking by me until we became friends?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I remember.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know they just seemed to sense I needed protection.” You began to choke up, memories flooding back that you had tried to repress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben continued to hold your hand from across the table, squeezing it supportively.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They also remind me that I can’t let myself be walked over because I’m too forgiving of others. That boyfriend I had...he...he kind of messed me up. Like really fucked with me.” You looked up at Ben through lowered lashes, “he told me he loved me but that he couldn’t be with me because I was ‘too whole,’ too ‘good for him.’ He made me think that we would be together forever, that I was special. After that I spiraled. It was a really dark time and still I just kept making excuses for him and basically forgiving him and blaming myself.” He nodded encouragingly, urging you to continue, “and that’s why I get mad at you for telling me what I deserve. I realized I have to decide that for myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gave your hand another reassuring squeeze, “hey little one, look at me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You glanced up slowly, meeting his honey eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for sharing that with me, I know it wasn’t easy. And it also helps me understand you better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You bit your lip, “it is just difficult to bring that stuff up again. It is like, I know I should be over it—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That kind of hurt leaves scars.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You nodded with vigor, “yes exactly! That is exactly it Ben.” You let out a whoosh of air, “wow I have never put words to that feeling, but that explains it perfectly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am proud of you for being so strong and open to life after everything you have been through. Thank you for letting me in,” he said with a small smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You huffed, “now no more sad and heavy stuff, </span>
  <span>I want to get drunk and go frolicking!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, frolicking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He gave you a blank look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t you ever frolicked?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I still have no idea what you are going on about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You grin fell slightly, “it’s like, when you do things for no particular reason but it just makes you happy. Like running or skipping or spinning in circles. It’s like playing! You must have played at one point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My childhood didn’t really foster that behavior.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well lucky for you mister I’m an expert in frolicking and will graciously pass my knowledge on to you.” You grinned mischievously, “now do you think this fancy place will let us do shots?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about this baby, first you come sit right here, he patted his lap, “and let me use that convenient slit for its intended purpose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your eyes scanned the restaurant full of people, you let out a squeak, “right here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But...right now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on my little voyeur. Don’t think I didn’t notice how turned on you got those times when Sienna and Anik almost caught us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You noticed that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I notice everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your pulse quickened, yet you obeyed, moving to sit in his lap, the tablecloth your only saving grace in giving some semblance of coverage of the sinful act.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben began kneading the bare flesh of your thigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” you hissed as his hand drifted in between your legs, “everyone will know what you are doing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nestled his head by your shoulder, kissing the exposed skin, sending shivers down your spine, “they aren’t paying attention.” Continuing to pebble your skin with his lips he moved the scrap of red lace that covered your slit to the side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You squeaked as he dragged a finger along you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if they do happen to notice all they will think of is how much they wish they had a perfect little slut of their own.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Biting your lip you struggled to hold back a moan as he narrowed in on your hypersensitive clit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All of them want you,” he whispered against your skin, his rough fingers grating pleasantly against your nub, “but they can’t have you can they?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You quickly shook your head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because who do you belong to, little one?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You Ben, you,” you breathed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without warning he slid two fingers in you, panicking you grabbed a roll from the table and shoved it in your mouth to smother your whimpers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Paralyzed with pleasure and the fear of being caught you dug your nails into Ben’s thighs, the inability to think, let alone chew, leaving the bread sticking out of your mouth awkwardly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My smart little whore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Past the point of caring you let out moans into the herbaceous bread as Ben worked you to climax.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You arched your back, your nipples peeking, craving their own attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So tight for me, so willing to obey. My perfect little one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You bit harder into the bread, his praise pushing you to the edge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s it I want you to cum all over my fingers like a good girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You whimpered, nails digging deeper into his solid thighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do it, let go baby. Cum for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You shuddered, holding back your scream of pleasure by sheer willpower. Trembling, you slumped against him, pliant and pleased in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gently he removed his hand, replacing your soaked underwear. Bringing his fingers straight from your core to his mouth he licked your wetness off his then took a bite of the bread straight from your mouth, “delicious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your eyes widened as you stifled your laughter. He called over a waiter, “can we get some shots for me and my girl?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thoroughly good and drunk, Ben and you walked along the water, shoes in hand, stealing kisses under dappled light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As you approached a road, music wafted towards you. It beckoned and you followed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The small band was playing a rowdy tune, picking up your skirts you spun around in the sand gleefully, kicking up the chilled water as it hit your feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben watched, chuckling in amusement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tune then changed, notes turning sweeter and slower. You returned to his side, breathless and flushed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben extended his hand to you, “dance with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dance, I’m sure you know how.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You laughed but took his hand, not daring to pass up the rare offer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben pulled you in close, holding you flush to his body. You leaned your head on his chest, swaying to the new melody.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You sighed happily, “I think I need to pinch myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why is that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To make sure I’m not dreaming. It certainly feels like I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you want to wake up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughed, “then no pinching for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But if it is a dream, the longer I stay asleep the worse awakening will be. At least this way I’d control my ending.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stilled his movements, moving you in order to place a kiss on your brow. “I know what you mean,” he murmured. “How about this little one, I’ll let you know when we are done with all I have planned for tonight. Then you can test if this is a dream, how does that sound?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You beamed at him, enjoying your little joke. “Ok,” you agreed, “it better be a happy ending.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His lips caught yours in a passionate kiss, “let’s get back to our place then.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here is the dress I imagine you wearing: <br/>https://dtkp6g0samjql.cloudfront.net/uploads/photo/file/15741969/gallery_hero_f77554c7-8400-477b-a69a-c74e756ab9bb.jpg</p><p>Leave me your smut requests!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Make Me Burn*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=50f35d354ee2447f<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/7vguMCv8uVuZLiQJ156u3Z?si=1e6afe1f4a944233<br/>I am sorry this is so late! I hope it is worth the wait. This will be another one chapter post because I am dragging out the ending because the thought of this ending is making me sad :( I hope you understand.<br/>I have appreciated all of your comments and kudos, they make me so happy to see. Here is some smut for you as a reward for waiting haha.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as you returned to your room you threw your shoes haphazardly on the floor and flopped into the bed, sighing happily as you sunk into its welcoming embrace.</p><p>Ben joined you, sinking in besides you. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you in tight.</p><p>You watched his eyes flutter, fighting sleep. You squirmed, trying to get out of his grasp. He in turn squeezed you in tighter, “let go of me Ben! We need to sit up or we both will fall asleep!”</p><p>“Don’t see the problem,” he murmured drowsily.</p><p>You wriggled harder, “the problem is that I want to do something in this bed <em> other </em>than sleep you big oaf!”</p><p>That got his attention, promptly he sat up, “I’m up, I’m up!”</p><p>You giggled before catching his lips in a kiss. </p><p>His hands tangled into your hair, “you know what I can’t stop thinking about?” He broke the kiss to ask, nuzzling his nose against yours.</p><p>“Only one of us can read minds genius.”</p><p>He smiled, his breath hot on your face, “I can’t stop thinking about fingering you in the restaurant. You’d let me do anything I wanted to you, wouldn’t you?”</p><p>You remained silent, he was right and he knew it.</p><p>“And you know why?”</p><p>“Why Ben?”</p><p>“Because you’re mine. No one else can work your body like I do.”</p><p>You decided now was not the time to bring up the fact that no one else had ever gotten the chance to try, instead you scoffed, “you are so full of it.”</p><p>“You know you love it.”</p><p>You playfully pushed him, “you’re such an ass.”</p><p>“Mhm but I’m your ass,” he gave your butt a squeeze before giving it a quick slap, “and this is my ass.”</p><p>You grimaced, “for fuck’s sake I don’t think you could be more possessive if you tried.”</p><p>“Is that a challenge?”</p><p>“A criticism, really.”</p><p>“I could be so much worse.”</p><p>“That’s not really brag-worthy,” you rolled your eyes, unwittingly encouraging his antics.</p><p>“Oh you know you love it. I bet if I put you on a leash and walked you around town you’d get wet and beg for my cock after like a good little whore.”</p><p>You shivered at the mere thought.</p><p>“Hm pet?” He put his massive hand on your throat, closing around your neck, stopping himself before he choked you completely. He rubbed his thumb along the back of your throat, “would you like that? Perhaps a collar too? Just so everyone could know who you belong to?”</p><p>You could feel your eyes glaze over, lust taking over you body at his filthy words. If your comment had been a challenge he had certainly won. Something about him always made you want to roll over like a bitch in heat.</p><p>He squeezed at your throat, cutting off your air, “just a helpless slut, slave to her own body. So much fight, so much fire and yet as soon as I give you one touch you go feral for me,” he released his hold on you.</p><p>Panting you rolled your eyes, “oh just fuck me already!”</p><p>He shook his head, “so crude. What happened to my shy and coy little one?”</p><p>You narrowed your eyes before wrapping a hand behind his head, tugging roughly on his hair. To your satisfaction he let out a small yelp. You brought your nose to his, not letting go of the tangle of hair in your hands, “you fucked it out of me, remember?”</p><p>He grinned, “I recall there being a bit of begging from you. Quite a lot if I really think back on it.”</p><p>You let out a growl, yanking his hair harder, forcing his head back. Your pussy clenched angrily—frustrated as to why it wasn’t receiving any attention yet.</p><p>His grin widened, “see? Completely feral.”</p><p>You crushed your lips into his, moving your hands to paw and claw at his back. If he wanted feral you’d give him feral. His tongue pushed against yours. He tasted like whiskey and smoke and you were utterly addicted. You pushed at him harder, forcing him to fall in the plush bed. Still, you did not relent. Instead you fought harder, your hand snaking lower, desperate to free his cock and get it inside of you.</p><p>As soon as you got your hand underneath his pants he wrapped his arms around you, rendering you defenseless. Quick as lightning he had pulled you and flipped you around, so that he was on top and you lost any grasp at control. His large body held you captive, still you writhed underneath him, furious and hot and bothered.</p><p>“Woah woah there little one, not so fast.”</p><p>You gnashed your teeth at him.</p><p>“Fine, fine, I’ll give you something to take the edge off.” Without taking his crushing weight off of you he maneuvered his hand so that he could reach your dripping pussy through the dress’ slit once again. It was as if he was trying to torture you with the slow pace he set on your aching clit.</p><p>“I swear on everything you hold dear, on everything you love—if you don’t get your dick in me right now I'm going to personally chop it off with your lightsaber.”</p><p>“That seems highly counterintuitive. Besides, I only love one thing.”</p><p>Your heart fluttered but you quickly shoved it down, “yeah? Yourself!”</p><p>He began to respond but your eyes caught on his tie, again lewd thoughts filled your mind.</p><p>Ben’s smile turned hungry, “you want me to use this on you?”</p><p>You nodded vigorously as he continued to lazily rub your clit.</p><p>“Mm but how should I use it?” He nestled on your shoulder, ravishing your neck slowly. “I could blindfold you again, that was fun.”</p><p>“Yes!” You whined, his fingers increasing their pace on you by an iota.</p><p>He gave a dark chuckle, “greedy thing. There are so many possibilities. I could gag you—and I could of course tie you up. But then how? Your hands? Your legs? I could tie you to the bed or just tie your limbs together.”</p><p>He slipped a finger into you and you groaned, “talk any longer and I am going to tie <em> you </em> up.”</p><p>“An intriguing notion, but you have a surprising amount of back talk for someone who is currently pinned beneath me and whining for my cock like some common whore.”</p><p>You thrashed again, angry and horny. “Just shut up and make me burn.”</p><p>He tutted at you, slipping in a second finger but maintaining his leisure speed, “good girls beg.”</p><p>You felt like you might snap at any second, your body a live wire under his ministrations. “Please Ben, please!”</p><p>“You’ll be a good girl?”</p><p>“I will be good Ben, so good for you.”</p><p>He gave your neck a final nip. You whimpered as he pulled his fingers off of you. “Get on the floor, lay on your back.”</p><p>You were confused but you scampered to obey.</p><p>Imposingly he stepped over your waiting body, trapping you between his legs. You waited with bated breath.</p><p>You held back a moan as your dark prince began to strip for you. You felt yourself get wetter as he pulled at his tie.</p><p>“Give me your wrists.”</p><p>Trapped in his spell you lifted your arms, allowing him to tie them together.</p><p>“Put them over your head.”</p><p>You whimpered as he moved to undo his shirt, revealing his rippling muscles. Every time was like the first time, he still took your breath away. </p><p>“Don’t look so awestricken, it might inflate my ego.”</p><p>You giggled but were too consumed by desire to come up with a coherent retort.</p><p>And then he removed the rest of his clothes and you started to tremble with anticipation. His dick was glistening with precum and rock hard for you. You flushed as you realized you were drooling.</p><p>“You want to be fucked?”</p><p>You were buzzing, turned on at this point so much so that you were holding back tears. “Yes! Please Commander fuck me, fuck me hard.”</p><p>“You asked for it girl. Legs up!”</p><p>You moved and he helped hoist your legs high into the air, pushing them so far that they were almost completely vertical to the floor, feet pointed towards the ceiling. Pools of red gathered around your waist.</p><p>He squatted over you, inserting himself fully into you with a sharp thrust. You let out a squeal at the sudden intrusion. </p><p>He set a brutal pace, “this is what you wanted?” He rammed into you while pushing down on your thighs for leverage, keeping you painstakingly yet wonderfully spread.</p><p>You moaned, suddenly thankful for Ben’s extended drivel. You were keyed up and ready for him, ready and hungry for the breakneck speed at which he was demolishing your body. </p><p>“You want to be used like a fucking animal? A whore is too good for you now?”</p><p>Your pussy throbbed around his length, the angle allowing him to touch places inside you deeper than ever before. It was punishing, it was brutal, and you fucking <em> loved </em>it. “Yes Ben! Fuck me, give me everything you got!”</p><p>He pushed against your thighs harder, your tendons stretching to the point of pain, still he did not relent. Nor did you want him to. </p><p>“You want more?”</p><p>“More! More!” You felt unhinged, savage and under his complete mercy.</p><p>You screamed, wild, as he landed a crack with his large hand on your vulnerable pussy. </p><p>It left behind a searing pain, and yet both of you noticed the damning clench of your pussy.</p><p>He raised an eyebrow at you.</p><p>“Oh no,” you whimpered.</p><p>“Oh yes,” in quick succession he hit you three more times.</p><p>You moaned, eyes rolling back into your head as he switched to thumbing your clit. It was too much, your body could not process all the competing sensations.</p><p>“Ben I am going to—”</p><p>“That’s it slut, cum on my cock. Give into it. Give into me.”</p><p>You let out a blood-curdling scream, your body feeling as if it had snapped in half. You felt yourself slip into darkness, convulsing on his cock.</p><p>When you came to he was still bucking into you like a wild beast.</p><p>“Fuck yes, there you are little one. Dick so good you passed out. So hot.”</p><p>Your eyes widened, you were still shuddering around him, body overwhelmed by pain and pleasure. Your arms and legs burned. Your whole body was an inferno. </p><p>You beamed as tears streamed down your face. <em> Finally</em>.</p><p>He grunted, “should I be concerned?” </p><p>“No, don’t stop. I am just so damn happy. Keep fucking me—actually please fuck me harder.”</p><p>“Fuck,” he groaned out in pleasure, “I have created a monster.”</p><p>“You did. Now Commander make me fucking cum again.”</p><p>“Is that a challenge?”</p><p>“It’s an order.”</p><p>He raised his eyebrows and yet somehow found it within himself to obey. Wicked fast he lifted you from the ground, not breaking his rutting as he moved you to a wall. He pushed you against it roughly and you moaned, wrapping your searing legs around him, draping your tied arms over his head. Then you held on for dear life as he ravished you.</p><p>“That’s it little one, take it, take my cock like a good girl.”</p><p>You mewled, allowing your head to fall onto his shoulder. At this point you had given yourself into being a vessel. He was just using your body at this point to get himself off. You were just along for the ride, and what a ride it was.</p><p>The tell tale signs of an impending orgasm began to wash over you—your pussy fluttering, the feeling of clawing at something intangible. </p><p>“Yes little one, I’ll get you there.”</p><p>You could tell he was close too, his thrusts turning erratic and frenzied.</p><p>The Force began to work at your clit, “yes, Ben, yes! Don’t stop, don’t stop! I am right there!”</p><p>“Do it again baby, cum for me. I want to see you fall apart.”</p><p>And fall apart you did. Somehow Ben managed to hold you up as you fell limp against him, pleasure washing over you as you felt his warm release inside of you. He moaned, another spurt of cum filling you up. You could feel the evidence of both of your orgasms seeping out of you even with his dick still in you. </p><p>You shuddered at the new sensation, you cunt milking his cock for every last drop. </p><p>Ben moved you over to the bed, collapsing onto it without letting you go. He kissed your forehead and you sighed wistfully. You were utterly spent, exhausted and burnt out. Just how you liked.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, let me know what you think!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Balance*</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=d082334102f0421f<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/42YunpdquRjWicoxW971f4?si=de58a7407a3c4798<br/>Yes you are right I am dragging this out. And I am sorry. But it's my prerogative and I am feeling emotional so just forgive me ok? :P<br/>Here is some gentleness for you. Let us all collectively say "awww."</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You blinked open your eyes. It was still dark outside but you felt refreshed and wide awake after your brief doze. Your movement woke up Ben, and you smiled as he drowsily came to consciousness. You hopped out of bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s the middle of the night little one, what are you doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You bounced on your heels, “I want to do something! I am not ready for this perfect night to be over.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat up, becoming more alert due to your excitement, “shall we go for a midnight dip?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh that sounds fantastic!” You moved towards your suitcase, “but I am not quite sure what I could wear,” you raised your eyebrows teasingly, pulling out one of the scandalous suits.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes darkened with temptation, your taunting enough to get him out of bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was warned not to swim in these, though,” you said with a shrug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He arched an eyebrow, “were you now? Then what could you possibly wear while we swim?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You giggled mischievously, “it is a conundrum.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Laughing he lunged for your naked body and you ran away playfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no you don’t! Get back here!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come get me!” You darted, giggling with glee all the while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually he cornered you and quickly hoisted you over his shoulder. You squealed, hitting your fists against his back, “put me down you big lug!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Make me,” he teased, carrying you towards the waves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Summoning all your strength as you were jostled around you used your position to land a hard crack on his bare ass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To your chagrin he barely even flinched, you pouted, resigning yourself to your position.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bad little girl, lucky for you I am feeling generous tonight and will choose to ignore that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tenderly he placed you down in the sand along the ocean’s edge. You shivered as the water hit your bare toes. Fortunately, the air was balmy and the ocean pleasant and calm. The silence was peaceful, only broken by the sounds of the waves rolling over softly and yours and Ben’s breathing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look so beautiful like this,” he whispered, taking your naked form in, skin awash in moonlight and hair tousled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You reached out your hand to him, beckoning him to follow you into the sea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took your hand and together you immersed yourselves. You gave another shiver, the chill seeping in. Quickly Ben pulled you close, holding you tight against his firm body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instantly his mouth was on your salted skin, nipping at your ear and suckling along the soft expanse of skin from your neck to your clavicle. You whimpered, limp at his loving touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He paused, taking a moment to look into your eyes, “I want to take you nice and slow, like you deserve.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought we went over that I am the only one who decides what I deserve.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kissed you gently on the forehead, “you are right darling. How about this? I really want to take you nice and slowly, would that be ok?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You swallowed thickly, “yes, that would be ok.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want it to be like our first time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You remember that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I do, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely! It was, after all, kind of a big deal for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem surprised.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I just thought you wouldn’t remember. At least the details.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was only a few months ago Y/N...but I will remember it until the day I die.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just thought...I don’t know...that I’d be just another one of many for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little one, you were never one of many for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your heart sung at his moving words. Gingerly he turned you so your back was to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Toes sinking into the soft sand you allowed him to melt you with his deft hands. He was right when he said that no one knew how to work your body like he did.You didn’t need anyone else to try to know—it felt like you were made for each other. He massaged away the tension, turning you into putty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He resumed his mission of kissing every inch of your skin, murmuring declarations into your flesh, into your soul.  “My perfect girl, beautiful girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> You whimpered as his hands wrapped around you, flicking your sensitive nipples and working your breasts, head nestled in the crook of your shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben!” You whined as he pulled you flush to him, his want for you making itself known against your thighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So lovely, made for me,” he held you tight as his other hand drifted lower.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mouth never stopped lavishing your exposed skin, kissing and pulling and suckilng and lapping as if you were his personal ambrosia, a drug made to be addictive to him and only him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your mind turned hazy with pleasure as he worked his hand between your legs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to see you, my precious girl, my darling girl.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You turned, allowing him to lift you so you could wrap your legs around him. Slowly, he inserted himself into you, golden eyes smoldering. You moaned as he slid into you, filling you completely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You aren’t moving?” You questioned his stillness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just looking at you baby, want to remember this moment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears pricked your eyes as he gazed lovingly into your eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He began to move as if you were glass, as if he had all the time in the world, as if there was nothing more important in the galaxy than being with you, right here, right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t just fucking you realized with a start, this was making love, pure and simple. You let out a sudden sob, overwhelmed with emotion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Such a good girl for me, the best girl,” he continued moving you against him, thrusting into you with passion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You whimpered, “you are so beautiful Ben, so perfect, so good for me, so good to me.” Twin tears filled his eyes and you crushed your mouth against him, giving over to the emotion. He slowed his movement, responding to your urgency. He pulled gently on your hair, allowing him to deepen the kiss. Salty tears combined with the taste of Ben, you were an addict, helpless and vulnerable when it came to the man you loved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gradually he began to resume his thrusts, quickening at your moans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All your past couplings paled in comparison to this. This was an intimate moment between lovers, between equals. No push and pull, no confusion or misunderstandings. This was clarity, this was what it felt like to have everything fall into place. Two souls finding each other together somehow despite the unlikely odds of the expansive galaxy. No dark or light, this was harmony, this was balance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You shuddered as the Force began stroking your clit with a feather-light touch. You knew you were close as you lost yourself in Ben’s amber eyes, feeling like you were in a fairytale as the moon illuminated your dark prince.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben,” you choked out, hands moving to bury themselves into his hair as if on their own accord.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Little one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears streamed down your face as you clenched around his cock, orgasm ripping through your body as you cried. Happy, safe—loved. You knew it now. You had to tell him how you felt, even if he didn’t say it back, you knew that is what this was. You knew in your hearts of hearts that he loved you. He had shown you over and over again how much so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your body wracked with sobs at your realization. You clung to him like he was your lifeline.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sh, sh, little one. I got you. You are safe. I got you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You had walked into the fire, surrendered to the flame. And how sweet it was to burn.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I would love to see your commentary!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0050"><h2>50. Fairytale</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4gN1P3uTNSDG1Jmx2iD0Jw?si=e4d8a6b347b64bcb<br/>Song: https://open.spotify.com/track/7haQE5nOcxwk0HXahP0aV3?si=4c84284f444346e0</p><p>Not me crying over this.</p><p>This is it! I hope it feels right, it was so hard to end this. About exactly a year was spent on this fic from idea to final posting which is pretty damn crazy. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my little baby, it has been a pleasure.<br/>The playlist also will be updated now with songs I just think fit this fic in general, not just by chapter if you want to listen to what I (biasedly) think is great music lol.<br/>And without further adieu...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You clung to one another for a long time, not wanting to let one another go. Now that you had found each other and known what being ripped apart felt like you were not going to let this moment pass. You did not take it for granted these tender moments with him, these were the moments where he seemed most like himself. You had seen him be cruel, had felt it yourself. You had no delusions that this man was the villain in many people’s stories. And yet, in yours he wasn’t. This was your fairytale. </p><p>You stirred as the first rays of morning light hit your bare skin, wonderfully warm. You lifted your head off of Ben’s shoulder to take in the view.</p><p>Your breath hitched at the splendorous sight, causing Ben to take a look as well. </p><p>“Wow,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah,” you let out a breathy laugh. </p><p>The sun was rising over the water, sending cascades of pinks and oranges reflecting off the sea—turning the water into a myriad of sparkles. </p><p>“It looks like—”</p><p>“Fire,” you finished before breaking out into real, hearty laughter.</p><p>“What’s so funny?”</p><p>“I just—” you paused to catch your breath before doubling back over in fits of giggles.</p><p>“What little one? I don’t get it?”</p><p>You shook your head, “it’s just this little inside joke I have with myself.”</p><p>“Is it a good thing?”</p><p>“Oh Ben, it’s a wonderful thing!”</p><p>He smiled, giving a small shake of his head, “if you say so darling.”</p><p>You both turned back to the sunrise. You let out a wistful sigh as the heat of the day began to set-in. “I suppose this truly means our night is over. We should go back inside I suppose—perhaps get some sleep.”</p><p>Ben laughed, “I don’t feel tired for some reason.”</p><p>“Hm, I don’t either.”</p><p>“Hungry?”</p><p>You giggled, “always that.” You broke from him, making your way back to the house.</p><p>“Wait!”</p><p>You turned, raising your eyebrows, “yes?”</p><p>Your heart began to race at the expression on his face and a lump formed in your throat. He was outlined in the flaming colors of the sunrise, water glimmering on his toned body. And the look he was giving you—the look it was—it was—you bit your lip, butterflies erupting in your stomach.</p><p>“Little one,” he said, his tone serious.</p><p>“Yes?” You repeated in a whisper, the air felt as if it was buzzing, like you were on the precipice.</p><p>“I need to tell you something.”</p><p>Your mind knew, your heart knew, and your soul knew. Tears started streaming down your face as clarity hit you. You swallowed thickly before nodding, encouraging him to continue. </p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Your heart felt like it was bursting, you beamed, feeling as if you might faint or explode. You released a shaky laugh, smiling through the tears, “oh Ben, I know.”</p><p>Ben narrowed his eyebrows.</p><p>“What I couldn’t resist! Your parents are famous throughout the galaxy you know.”</p><p>You looked at him expecting to see a smile or hear some form of a laugh, but all you saw was a man panicking.</p><p>Rushing to embrace him you nestled your head into his chest. You could hear his heart beat wildly.</p><p>“I love you too,” you whispered.</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>“Of course I do, I have for a long time.”</p><p>Ben held your shoulders, pushing you back so he could look you in the eyes, “you really love me Y/N? You mean that?”</p><p>You brought a hand to his cheek, “yes Kylo, yes Ben. I love you with my whole heart. I’m yours, only yours.”</p><p>“You’re mine,” he whispered in disbelief, his amber eyes shining.</p><p>You nodded giving him a teary smile.</p><p>He drew you back into a tight embrace, “and I’m yours,” his voice rumbled against you, filling up your whole soul with his declaration.</p><p>He loved you.</p><p>“As much I tried to resist it I was fighting a losing battle from the moment I met you. I’m only weak for you.”</p><p>You shook your head vigorously, “no, Ben. Love is not weak. It makes you strong. When you love you put yourself at risk for heartbreak or rejection. Yet, knowing this, and still choosing to love instead of run away and protect yourself is strength.”</p><p>He gave you one of his rare, sunshine smiles, and then his lips were on yours.</p><p>There are many kinds of kisses, a first kiss, a kiss that starts on the lips but leads to much more, a kiss of familiarity—before bed or leaving for work, a kiss to stop a rambling lover, even a last, tearful kiss. All well and good in their own right.</p><p>But this was not like that. This was a kiss of possession, a kiss of a man starved. It was all-encompassing and overwhelming. Full of passion and full of anguish, full of utter longing. He had you, you would have happily died in his arms. In fact, it felt like you were, and yet being reborn at the same time. His fire consumed you utterly. Burning and raging with no control. You once thought loving him was like jumping off a cliff. Stupid and crazy. And maybe you were, maybe this was. But this was vulnerability. This was giving your heart away. This was jumping off a cliff with no care of what was at the bottom. And it felt so damn good.</p><p>He broke the kiss, looking at you with what you now recognized as a look of unbridled love. How had you not known all along? How many times had you doubted?</p><p>He rested his chin on your head, “what are you thinking right now little one?”</p><p>“You don’t know?”</p><p>“Do you know?”</p><p>You laughed, because you didn’t. Thoughts were overflowing in your head, moving so fast you couldn’t hold onto any of them.</p><p>“Talk to me, love.”</p><p>“I was just thinking about falling in love with you, and how that feels so wrong now.”</p><p>“Wrong?”</p><p>“Not that this feels wrong! Just the phrase.”</p><p>“Elaborate?”</p><p>“I once thought falling in love was just that, falling. Exhilarating—but dangerous too, with an inevitable painful ending. But it’s not that, this does not feel like that. I haven’t fallen, I have risen. I don’t even know how to explain it but—”</p><p>“I understand. Falling has an end. This is not that.”</p><p>You looked up at him, giving him a quick peck, “hey, did you know I love you?”</p><p>He blushed, to your absolute delight, and kissed your forehead, “I love you, my little one.”</p><p>The sun had fully risen, breaking the spell of the night.</p><p>Gently he lifted your chin so that you were gazing into his eyes, “you can do it now,” he murmured.</p><p>You gave him a questioning look before realizing what he was referring to.</p><p>You moved to do so before hesitating, “a happy ending?”</p><p>“A happy ending.”</p><p>You squeezed your eyes shut and pinched.</p><p>Slowly you opened your eyes, anxious that somehow it really could be just a dream.</p><p>But there he still stood, honey eyes blazing with love. Blazing with love for <em> you</em>.</p><p>It was a dream, a living dream.</p><p>A happy ending indeed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feels surreal. I hope you enjoyed! Thank you again for reading and I would love to hear any and all thoughts. Idk when of if I will write more. I have an idea for another fic I would really like to write and hope to when I have more time--I want to write an A/B/O so badly so if that's something you're interested in maybe keep an eye out. If not, this is where we part.<br/>For everything, thank you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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